"A GREAT HOPE" Closing Cermony October 2nd Seattle:

FALL NIGHT #10: OCTOBER 2ND @ MCLEOD RESIDENCE IN SEATTLE:

09.28.08 Everybody is going bonkers for Rap Master Maurice On Chic-A-Go-Go. If you have a bunch of time to waste, check out this FASCINATING VIDEO about working in the compu-office of today. If you don't want watch it, check my abbreviated notes. It really does beg the question: HOW DA FUCK DO WE 'POSED TO KEEP PEACE? Also, I ate a Taco Bell Volcano Taco so you wouldn't have to. Hey, Barker Ranch on Google Earth! NEAT!

09.26.08 "Ding-Dong VP", Hot Ex-Corpse, Lobster Lady LLC, SNAP HIM PERFECT! Man, I'm tired.

09.25.08 COLORADO: LOOK AT IT. I have been doing some thinking, the economy hates our freedom, we need to elect shopping for president! If you are in Seattle, please go to the things listed above. HERE ARE THINGS: Jamie's Birthday, wetz, CLOWER 1 & 2, Lauri Apple VS The Kaye Killa, MOOKIE W, Stranger Cover, The Guardian UK, SNAX, Cargill & Hollis. BONUS: HRE HRE HRE, HRE HRE HRE, HA HA HA. The Renewed Mind IS The Key after all! UPDATE: Patty is always grumping that I just say bad things about her on this internet website, and now she has decided to join the Ohioans For Obama forces and traipse door-to-door speaking the good word! Way to go mom, you are doing a good job. Henry Owings defied me to listen to 260 Clash bootlegs AND I DID IT. Often in times of crisis my thoughts turn to the first girl I kissed in kindergarten. I remember her looking something like this. The detective work of MySpace's search function reveals an update: GOOD GRIEF EGADS.

09.16.08 THIS SATURDAY: Rap Master Maurice On Chic-A-Go-Go (show taping). Also related RMM IS A POET. As well as: Bourtney Made Me, young Jackie K., Qdoba Gift Certificate. What is wrong with this person? Please buy these compact discs.

09.15.08 Oh, look! So long, no writings. I went to Omaha and Denver and Westcliffe and Pagosa Springs and Santa Fe so I was gone for a long time. Soon you will see pictures 'n stuff, but until then: WHITES, DRIVING IN, EN TRANCE.

09.02.08 Newberry and I talked about Julian Lennon for like, 20 minutes today. Then for the rest of the night I was all like WELL, IT'S MUCH TOO LATE FOR GOODBYES in my head. That other song is better, about sitting on a pebble. You can't sit on a pebble, but he does not mention that. OH! I MADE A PUNK VEST! I was in a car and all I could think about was drinking Red Bull and making it, I also had a Potbelly's turkey sub with mushrooms: THAT IS THE WAY TO GET THEM. I also opened up an INTERNUT CAFE, you can use it too, it's $1 per page to print. FOOD I ATE VS. CAMILLA HA: The Human Aftermath. LA FIRE EYES, Avant-Ghoul, Newbz-Cardz, DANCING BRENDAN. I love love love love love love love love Mattison. UPDATE: The masons are free in Sandusky, Ohio. I couldn't care less, I just want to ride the rides.

08.26.08 Funny things that happened at FALL NIGHT: (man in sweatshirt yelling over Who Makes The Nazis): IS THIS BLUR? (me): No, it's The Fall. (man in sweatshirt): BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE BLUR! (me): No, it's The Fall. (man in sweatshirt): It sounds like Blur to me! (me): Ok! (man in sweatshirt) Can you play some Blur? Later I overhead that a guy from Wilco was there. I was in line for the bathroom and another guy cut in front of me and starting yanking at the locked door like a maniac. The person in the bathroom started shaking it back like he was mad. When he came out a minute later I was standing there and he looked at me and was like, "WHAT THE FUCK?". It was the Wilco guy, his hair was like a helmet. Here is a picture of a BLT that is in my mouth as I type this. It is neat to look at a picture of something that is in your mouth. I have never seen it, but I've decided to get really into The Prisoner. Please let me know if this is a good or bad idea. Jason Polan, seriously, 30 hours in a day for that guy. NICK VANDER MOLTEN.

08.25.08 If you love JAN TERRI, then you will love THIS 1998 DOCUMEN-TERRI. Truth be told, Rap Master Maurice isn't so wild about friendly birthday raps. He really prefers raps regarding sexual harassment at McDonalds. FALL NIGHT TONIGHT, YEAH! Oh, wow: my childhood AGAIN.

FALL NIGHT #5: AUGUST 25TH @ DANNY'S

08.20.08 Whoa, seriously, INTERVENTION on YouTube. I am so addicted. It was the huffer who captured my heart, from there it was the naked meth addict. There's a DXM episode, but it's kind of boring. It's nice to not have to pay for cable, but you have to watch things from a desk, in chunks. The Wesley Willis CD Repository is almost finished. Here is a drawing of Wesley Willis. OH DAG: Bobby Mehr went to Isaac Hayes' funeral and all you get is this photo of him next to a rug. Joan's fruits , Joshie drinking choco-syrup, a girl, the perfect girl. Hey, Rap Master Maurice was on the radio! The host said that RMM was a "pseudo success"! WHAT A NICE GUY! Hey, Sandi Tan! Hey, Sophia! Hey, Mr. Clarinet! UPDATE: Bob Mehr claims that thing is not a rug but is a "...floral arragnement made of spray painted flowers." WHATEVS.

08.12.08 I am no longer good at tennis. Unfortunately, I was obsessed with the Canadian decapitation bus death, only to find that the victim was a Juggalo, DUM DUM DUMMM. The MIKE TYSON MANSION UPDATE: Hannah went there, she peed on the basketball court. There was a giant storm in Chicago! I have a cousin! Other things: Patty, The Pickle King, Kathy Stevens, Lori Morana, Skellington Key, NOT BAD. FAKE RMM / REAL RMM. My head is literally in the clouds over unnecessary quotation marks. J/K! UPDATE: Bob Mehr received a secret phone call regarding the death of Isaac Hayes. I reckon he will make sure that they do a toxicology test on him.

08.04.08 Dear friends, my gift to you: THE WESLEY WILLIS CD REPOSITORY. It is not done yet, I have 35 more CDs to add. THE GOBLINS PLAYED AT GRANT PARK! They stormed the stage and then the kids watched and then a parent had a discussion with her children and then they left and then The Goblins covered a Negative Element song and then EVERYBODY CHEERED! There is also: Honus Wagner, Oprah V Burning Oprah, Lacey & Ruben GETTIN' HITCHED. Oh wow, Mike Tyson's big ol' empty mansion. I am so good at tennis! I have a new job!

07.28.08 LOOK: Music festival wrap-up, fast payment A+++! Here's a lost turtle & a map. Thomos Talkin' about superstition & photos: 1 2 3. Here is a picture of Blair before her big trip to Florida. We'll miss you, little buddy! BK CLING, in a pickle, Lacey & Ruben, Newberry @ The Party Grill, Violet Hour Pointer, cranes, VAG_DEN, JOAN HILLER IS FAMOUS! Via Edgar VS Via Lombardi. In case you didn't know, "Wayne H. Hodge is a blue collar worker who enjoys fantasy art of all kinds." Hey, Sara Padgett! Sorry I took so long to write, I was busy. AND WHAT A LETDOWN!

07.14.08 WELL: I am talkin' about stuff. If you have ever found yourself lazing around the house wondering where to download TONEZ from the internet, you don't have to worry any longer, HERE ARE TONEZ: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14. Look: braineater, ridin' 1 2 3, who is Kara Bittner, anyway? Thomos O. took a poignant video of people laughing at me, VIA GEB ATKINSON: The Trial Of Judy Priest. CURTIS ALLGIER ON THE INTERNET, OH NO. Hey, Pitchfork this weekend! Stop & say hello!

07.09.08 Nine months ago Erin Hosier & I went to a thrift in Providence, RI. While we were in line to check out, we both noticed a hideously deformed doll that appeared to have rickets. Everybody kept pointing at it while saying "EWWW". The lady behind the counter proclaimed that the doll's name was BLAIR. I bought BLAIR for the ungodly price of $30. Well, it turns out that BLAIR is actually named SMART COOKIE and is apparently TOTALLY RARE to people who collect dolls with contorted arms. I guess she makes more sense if she were to have glasses and, um, cookies, but like, EW GROSS.

07.08.08 Ruth Ann Borum this Friday at Medicine Park. SEE ALSO: YARDSALE. I am getting rid of 999 years of, erm, valuable belongings, NOW YOU CAN BUY THEM, CHEEP. Look at all of these CDs! You can & MUST BUY THEM! Please read this email from Thomos, it is SO GOOD. Hey, do you find yourself wanting a GIANT cling advertising a new hamburger? Send me your address and I'll send you mine! Otherwise, Wayne Coyne's house, DOM ON WRUW, KAT KILLA, "INSTAIN MOTHER", I made so many bad decisions, I've done such a bad job. Ew, Liz Phair movie. UPDATE: Expounding upon the loss of Kitty Keatsie: regular version, slam version.

07.02.08 Dear Debbie, I'm really sorry that I haven't been around very much. I went to Memphis 10 days ago but had to leave early to go to Ohio to take care of Patty. It was a total family debacle that involved xxxxx, a xxxxx and $xxxxx and I'm pretty sure I'll have some sort of breakdown in the upcoming weeks over it. While I was in Ohio I got to hang out with Steve Five who is in the new Circus Devils video, which is totally great. Oh, do you want my cat? It seems that I am unable to keep her as I can no longer breathe when she is around. I narrowly escaped a speeding ticket in Arkansas by telling the police officer that I was related to Mayor Daley and spent a few days driving around the beautiful suburbs of Cleveland. On top of that I got REALLY MAD at a tennis racquet! I did some drawings of Eddie Murray, he is drinking 50/50 in one of them. Oh, when I was in Memphis I met a girl named Hillary who was totally NOT NICE, I have decided to not get to know people anymore. I did not see Hannah when I was in Ohio because I was too busy being at Target. Hey, there is a website where somebody takes Garfield out of Garfield comics, it's pretty good! Tonight I went to dinner at Nick's house and Jamie Hayes was there. Here's a video displaying compassionate adolescents. Brian Turner says hello and also said, "So, today on WFMU's block Wendy's showed up with this GIANT set up and gave away 2,000 hamburgers to pedestrians. We went down with a vidcam and started giving away a few of the Where's the Beat CDs to much confusion of the people and booth people running Wendy's. The best thing is most of them didn't know who Clara Peller was or what Where's the Beef meant." I am going to have people over on July 3rd, you have come over if you want. Have you seen the MADATOMS website? It's like WHOA! Your friend, Derek Erdman

NEAT THINGS TO DO THIS FRIDAY AND SATURDAY:

06.20.08 OHIO KID HOT DOG PICS: 1 2 3. OHIO: TEENZ. DO IT: Dream Deceivers. Chroma, Ted Bundy Has An Appetite. Paul Germanos shutterbuggin'. Fat Boys, The Chess Label, HEY GOOD PRANKS: 1 2. I am sorry that I am not writing more, I have tonsillitis. UPDATE: Uh oh, Morrissey Sock Puppet.

06.10.08 I asked some young people about the first Violent Femmes record, here are their responses. Vigenere Tablet, free photobooth wedding photos. Steve Five got so mad at Roberta's Pizza Shop that he asked for Rap Master Maurice revenge ON THE HOUSE. I pretty much had to oblige, Steve Five practically invented Rap Master Maurice. Somehow it turned out to be the meanest RMM rap ever and I kind of feel bad about it. I mean, he feels bad about it. FUTURE COBRAS RECORD WORTH A BARROW FULL OF MONEY, SO HAPPY NOW.

06.04.08 Ok, here are pictures from OK. Also, I found the BEST THING EVER, it is called this. You can also look at: FREELOADERS, Dog On Water, Katy Perry, I am glad to go to sleep now. Perhaps if you have nothing better to do, you can bid on my auction for 9 Shakin' Stevens records (?). I don't really know why I own things like this, but I hope to sell them, to you.

06.03.08 OH, GONE FOR SO LONG. I went to Oklahoma, I want to tell you about it later. UNTIL THEN: LOOK AT THIS PERSON TUMBLE DOWN A SLIDE, Thomos found the hamburger table, coloring book cover, MOLLIE EDGAR'S THE HONK, Luis's ANTEATERS, "hand faces", THERE ARE NEAT THINGS EVERYWHERE, such as: "Help Insurance For Larissa".

05.23.08 There are a lot of cameras in the world, everywhere. They are perched on walls above the sightline, out of view. Many are recording things that nobody will EVERY WATCH! If you type: inurl:"viewerframe?mode=refresh" into Google, you can access some of these cameras. You will be able to change the resolution, zoom, pan, REJOICE. My favorites are: master bedroom, doors, copy machine, city model, boat dock. Now that I have a police scanner and access to random cameras, I've decided to no longer leave the house. I'm in a show at the PowerHouse Arena in NYC for the next month, you can read more about it here. Thanks a lot, Sara Rosen. I will never move to NYC.

"Those People Are So Mad At Me & Julia" @ End Of An Ear In Austin TX:

05.20.08 The magic that is Joan Hiller breezed through town last week, leaving FLAWED in her wake. Here are pictures of it from my new best friend Hastings Cameron, we are related by brain-frame, he is not a space case! My old friend Bobby Burg came to the art opening! We talked for some time and then he started BEEPING! I looked at the back of his neck and saw wires, HE IS A ROBOT! Look out soon for my new business venture: THE LAURIE DANN GUIDED TOUR. I will drive you to all of the infamous Laurie Dann sites in my 1994 Subaru station wagon while you drink Capri-Sun fruit drinks and eat cookies. Later, after the art show a bunch of people went to the singing place and sang the songs, Jim Newberry made a photo of it. Jim Newberry is doing so many things, he is a talent! Ok, here is advice on drawing, HANNAH WOODROOFE IS ALL OVER EVERYTHING: 1 2. Amy Cargill is my girlfriend.

05.14.08 If you show off your body in an ad on Craigslist to get free Cubs tickets, and then some goon writes to you pretending to be the nephew of Cubs GM Jim Hendry, you probably got what you deserved. I call it: CUBS FOOLIN' (BORE ALERT). You know who else likes the Cubs? AUSTRIAN KIDNAPPER JOSEF FRITZL. I have seen the future of music, it is called JOEY BELLADONNA. Patty came for Mother's Day! It was so nice to see Patty! As a nice gift I put her up at the Hotel Intercontinental downtown. Then she gave a gift to me, SHE RAIDED THE MINI-BAR! Oh, Patty, I am so glad to owe the hotel $90 for pretzels and M&Ms. Then she took some pastries in a napkin that I'll most likely be paying for as well. HERE ARE TWO PICTURES OF HER, SHE HATES WHEN I PUT THEM HERE. I listen to the police scanner all day long, it says THIS & THIS. Missing Persons found, harmed & unharmed, AMAZING. THE HOUSE MUSCLE GOD HAS COME TO SAVE THE DAY, it is about time, thank the heavens.

YOU COME TO: Cynthia Plastercaster's 61st Birthday Party, S'FUN:

05.05.08 Ok, so I go to Jewel tonight at 3am to get a bunch of yogurt AND I GET FUCKING MUGGED ON THE WAY OUT. This is the first time it's happened to me, I was so excited. First the person (burgler) came up to me and said, "Hey can you spare a few bucks?" and I was like, "Um, no." and then HE PULLED OUT A GUN and said, "Just give me your fucking money!" Luckily I've taken to not carrying a wallet, just like $30 at a time and since I had just bought a bunch of yogurt I only had $18 left so I gave it to him and then he said, "WHAT'S IN THE BAG?" to which I replied "Different kinds of yogurt." and then he just turned and ran away! I did the cover art for the new Sloth 7" split with Minch, you can buy it on eBay, it totally rules. RELATED: JIM KONYA TALKIN' GARAGE SALES. Earlier I watched the skinheads vs. Geraldo video over 30 times in a row. OH GOD, DIANE ETICS, I SLAY ME.

04.30.08 HEY, WOW: Polan/Erdman Outside Art Show. EEKS, Newberry's photo website is TOTALLY RULING lately. Last weekend we endured LETHARGY ART WALK II, it was pretty good: 1 2 3 4 5. Also last week, I found $60 in some pink shorts in the back of this burned house: 1 2 3 4 5 6. My old friend Phil wrote and said, "YOU ARE IN THE MAN ON MAN MOVIE". I had to respond, "Yes, it looks like it is true". Shianne Turtle made a Derek Erdman CD. It includes Bronski Beat extended traxx. OH, THE HORRORS: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7. BHS Kathleen 1 2 3 4 5 6, Polan's Harry C, Where's Your Boy At? Oh, wasn't this so funny.

04.21.08 There are so many things to love, I am so happy about it: Dog On Street / Dog On Roof, Jocelyn In Kent, Always Being Always Forever, half-bad mirror, Many Kennedys, OH OH OH, R. Jaxon. Here's a story about DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS. Breakfast, TEX, WE2, ZAP ZAP ZAP. If you like US Maple and FREE THINGS, then you will LOVE my US MAPLE t-shirt giveaway. This rather nice shirt is a size large and will be sent to the first person that writes and says, "HEY, I WANT THAT SHIRT". Really, you have to type that. HEY, CAT POWER IS WEARING MY TIE. I have a friend that had dinner with Cat Power. Cat Power asked, "Do you have a skinny tie I can borrow?" and my friend said that she did, but it was really my tie and now I don't have that tie anymore, but it's ok because I really don't wear ties. Cat Power's real name is Cathy Power, OH GOD THAT JOKE SLAYS ME. HOLY FUCK, WATCH THESE THINGS: BAD RAP BATTLE VS. BAD TOUCHING, Jeffrey Lewis tells the story of The Fall. Bob Mehr wrote the best story EVER about The Replacements in the new Spin magazine. If you are nostalgic about Kent, Ohio in the mid-1990s, here are some good videos to watch. Otherwise, have your conversations TYPED OUT BY ME!

Derek Erdman & Jim Newberry love each other:

04.17.08 OH ,THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO TELL YOU ABOUT! First, here are pictures from the zoo: animals, animals, animal, animals, animal. Last month I sang karaoke with the guys of Just Farr A Laugh, oh my, it was something else. Now I'm SO OBSESSED with Tommy Keene's Places That Are Gone (twice as good as Let's Active!), who was also in the room. All of those people in that room listening to me sing Young Turks! I was so glad. THERE ARE 4 DEREK ERDMANS IN THIS PICTURE. Bo Diddley never wrote a song called "Hey, L. Ron Cupboard". Jason Polan & The Pringle Woman VS. The Late Car Contest Entry. "Barely H", REBZ Is A PUNKR, Beetils & The Berwyn Car Spindle, Tricia Walsh Smith got divorced but is not from Ohio as Cruel Cruel Moon is. NOTE: THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF FOOD 1 2. Amie Barrodale is the best writer in the world, where is she now? Who put Bella in the Wych Elm? Who? Via Derrick Carter: I am on FLICKR. OWL, LAYING, SPACING, Dave Piper's silver nickel. Free music by the armload here (type quack).

04.07.08 Annette, how I loathe you. How I would love to shake rugs out onto your bed. Oh, Annette. I would so very much enjoy to tell you that I was going to pick you up from the airport and then not come, but continully say that I was "really close". ANNETTE, whose cold heartless voice greets me each time I send packages late at night from the Cardiss Collins Post Office. Your hatred of life makes you hate me and my packages. I would happily call USPS tomorrow to complain about your demeanor, but I have to put my cat to sleep, so I'm just going to send Jason Polan 50 lbs of bricks in a $8.95 USPS Flat Rate box, because it will make me feel good when I hand it to you the next time we meet. You will make an audible noise when I hand it to you because it will be so heavy. If you ask what it contains, I will answer: "justice". Later as I exited 90/94 at Damen, I noticed some signs stuck into the lawn AND THEY MADE ME SO MAD. Unfortunately, I have a lot of time on my hands. COOL GRUDGE MATCH: Slade Vs. Chickens. Oh snap, you know what I'm sayin'?

04.01.08 OK, I had to change my email address. I was obsessed with the fact that I wasn't getting emails, but I think that nobody was writing to me. Also, I bought a Parker Posey shirt on eBay and Susie Honeyman signed my Fire Engines LP. OTHERWISE: MEKONS SNACK TOUR 2008. Here are other things that exist: Georgie & The Cream, Look Lunch, Newman/Nilsson, Reilly's Endless Love, Whopper News, THEE FOURGIVEN, HOLY S, THANKS INTERNET. A few new raps here. Who is #1 in the alley?

03.24.08 I spent 6 glorious hours today putting pins into pieces of paper with people named Erin and Francis. Last night I made a giant Easter Dinner including 32 deviled eggs and Kriss Bataille stayed until the wee hours watching Urge Overkill videos on YouTube. The day before that I went through most of my house and threw most of my things away. I'm not sure what happened the day before that. I DID go to SXSW & see Sally Crewe, ate a lot of Sonic onion rings, saw some buffalo, etc. Tomorrow I'm going on tour with The Mekons. OH! I talked to Patty. She said, "DO NOT PUT ME ON YOUR WEBSITE". Oh, Patty. You so secretly love for me to mention you and how much you love that tornado picture from Atlanta. ROLL ON, BIG O. PICTURES FROM PLACES: (House Of Gardner, Cowden Ave. Memphis, TN) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 (Lockhart, TX) 1 2 (Cleveland, OH) 1 2 (Memphis TN) 1 2 3. WHOA, BOB MEHR HAS THE COOLEST STUFF AND A LOT OF DENTAL FLOSS. Derek Erdman By Jason Polan, script editor conversation, Jason Polan VS. The Girl In 2F, (MP/Lawton, OK) 1 2 3 4, ALL DAY FOOD, "The Lonliest Easter" By Jim Newberry, the only photographer, EVER. There are neat things on the internet: Bee Gees BUST UP, Liz Clayton @ 3:47, Drew Tube, Chappaqua, It's Raining McCain, HALLELUJAH. What Is REBZ up to: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9. What is better 1 Samoa or 1,089 Samoas? Oh, don't be dumb.

ART SHOW AT CHILI'S! THIS FRIDAY NIGHT!

03.10.08 OK, I will see you here and we will do shots of Rumple Minze and talk music business and give beads to colleges students and say, "HEEEYYYY":

Get a HIGH FIVE at SXSW on March 15th:

03.06.08 Rap Master Maurice "The Insane Vote For McCain" WORLD VIDEO PREMIERE. Patty voted for Hillary today, OHIO CONTINUES TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY. Wait, I don't even care about politics. EW, GROSS > NEAT.

03.05.08 Earlier today my mother left a voice mail message in a frail voice to tell me that she was going into surgery. Then she said, "I saw something very disturbing on Wikipedia about you". SHE IS SO WEIRD! I looked at Wikipedia, it said: "Derek Erdman raped me in a bad part of Ann Arbor. When he ejaculated he said "That's how Ben Gibbard does it." OH MY GOD, THAT TOTALLY RULES! Between you and I, the above statement cannot be true, I have never been to Ann Arbor. Somebody is putting wires into my mother today, I hope she is safe. I love her. FREE MONEY, Early Hoeckel, breakfast, Outer Space Jason Polan, Jason Polan's Lady On Nails. Sorry Ben Gibbard!

03.04.08 Moving to Lakewood, Ohio in 1990 was kind of magical for me. We came from the affluent city of Strongsville, but that didn't really make a difference because Patty and I were poor there. Being poor in a city with a lot money is a drag for a teen. In Lakewood it was easier to be poor because nearly all of the houses in the entire city looked the same on the outside, it was just a matter of how many apartments they were chopped into on the inside. I judged being poor on how I appeared to others, having friend's parents drop me off a block from my house so that nobody would see that I lived above a garage. Really, I did that. It seems so dumb to me now. On the last day of school in Strongsville the guidance counselor told me to "watch out for the drugs" in Lakewood. Changing schools in the middle of 10th grade was fucking agonizing. Everybody was already settled into groups of friends and the social boundries had already been drawn. In Strongsville, the punker kids were called "head-rots" because of the amount of hair spray they wore. All of the alterna-types were arty and drove Ford Escorts with Bad Religion stickers on them. Girls liked The Cure and Love & Rockets and wore black lipstick. In Lakewood the punker kids were into drugs. There were arty types, but they were kind of square, they'd listen to Billy Bragg and run Cross Country. Lakewood was right next to Cleveland so the hopeless desperation seeped right over the city line. Cleveland is waste-opolis. Any grasp for a ring of hope was considered ostentatious and the fists of a PBR drenched child abuse legacy would mash you back into place, proud to be bummed out, enthusiastically mad at stuff. The first person that I met in Lakewood was Brent Collins. I still think in many ways, Brent's the ultimate human being. Once he had sex with an artificial vagina and then hid it in his dresser drawer, letting it festered for weeks. His mother found it while we were at school, I was so lucky to walk home with him that day. Her voice was as shrill as freight train brakes, she was waving the fake genitalia in the air with a F-U-R-Y. Once in class he asked the person in front of him if they wanted to see "The Monster". Regardless of the answer, Brent climbed onto his desk, pulled down his pants, bent over, pulled his bottom apart and screamed, "ROOOOOAAAAARRRRR". Man, that's too much! Hey, here's Brent Collins now! OTHER STUFF: Rebekka F In Hungary: 1 2 3 4 5 6, Double Love Rollie Fingers, Oscar Gamble #1, Oscar Gamble #2, Joshy & 999 Beers, Garry Maddox, Mike Schmidt, Mean Joe Greene, LOLVITZ, PIGGYBACK, "... and his random zombie face", RAP MASTER GOOGLE SEARCH #8! Thanks for catching me in your internet. That's neat.

02.26.08 Oh, hi. Yes, hello. I am not engaged, I am not moving to Portland. Black Jack Ketchum, NEAT. 3 audio recordings added to The Fall page. Here's some stuff: A REVOLTING GROUP PHOTO, Cub Cadet In Color, Jack On Fire, CATS LOSE YES, NYC vs Ohio, who will win?

02.26.08 Oh, hi. Yes, hello. I am not engaged, I am not moving to Portland. Black Jack Ketchum, NEAT. 3 audio recordings added to The Fall page. Here's some stuff: A REVOLTING GROUP PHOTO, Cub Cadet In Color, Jack On Fire, CATS LOSE YES, NYC vs Ohio, who will win?

GO TO THIS MOVIE, I AM IN IT:

HERE IS MORE INFO.

02.21.08 I am cleaning all of the things out of my house. I do not want most of my things. HERE I AM GIVING SOME OF THOSE THINGS TO YOU. The art show was perfectly wonderful, everybody was so happy, Paul Germanos was there, HE IS NOT A COP. Bob Mehr talked some S about a certain Brad Paisley and MAN ARE HIS FANS MAD. Bob also uncovered a new Mind Of Music video, which is an ULTIMATE BRAIN BLASTER. Mind Of Music is John Schneider & he is risen. Cardiss Collins: 26 94 384. OH G-D, EBAY BOYCOTT. Buttermaker's, Heino, Square Pegs, Kent State, J Lo & Khalo, sweater, WELKZ, raven, moon_clipse. LINEA, A Great Candy Caper, makin' records, BAGEL STARING. Oh god, goodnight.

02.11.08 Last year I found my first heartbreaking girlfriend in China. She broke my heart when I was 14. I went to China and rode a bus & rode bikes with her and now she has a tattoo of my name on her neck. This week, I got engaged to my first girlfriend in college, Chandra Wilson. Please come to the this week's art show, it is the last I will be having before I move to Portland in May. Last Thursday I was driving down Augusta Ave. late at night and was flagged down by a girl who looked to be in trouble. It turns out she was just roaringly drunk and thought my car was a taxi. I drove her to Chicago and Western where she got out of my car and stepped into a 3' deep puddle and dropped her purse into mud. I could not help that person, but I did find her on MySpace and made sure she was ok. Other things I cannot help: BI BIM BAP, Johnz, C. McCandless, violent teenagers, Bucktown Wally & Zoe Strauss. OH MY GOD, RAP MASTER MAURICE PROMO VIDEO #1. Here are things that are great: Erdman Pickle, Newberry Promo Postcard, Lee's ET Lounge, Frog/Banana, closet doors, Baby Dee video shoot piano aftermath: 1 2, PULLERZ, The Recluse, Last Summer, Contemporary Homes, Timms/Wild, Working Kids. BEST SONG EVER: TV GLOTZER (lyrics).

02.04.08 In this week's Compromised Principles Dept: Rap Master Maurice's birthday rap. At least there is still RAPPIN' JOAN. HOLY S: Sally Timms, Janet Bean & Jim Elkington played a show in my living room. It was sponsored by soda-pop. Here are other pictures: BAGZ, "Pepsi Paying Mia To Eat Sheila", Sara D eating Pepsi Pizza, "A Happy Ending", DOG 'N SACHS, "Sachs / Newberry Pet Care Co". I am currently OBSESSED with the money making prowess of Josh Kulp, his house is pretty! ALSO WILD ABOUT: Peadogeddon, the newest Forksplit, Horror Party, Lord Jim. Here is some misc stuff, mostly for my use: Melody Mill, cloth, photos: 1 2, Lady Di-i-i-i-i-i, Birthday Breakfast, More Than A Friend, OH MY GOD VIDEOS, "pay-pay", I knew this person, SNOW/NEWBS, Uni-books. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO RECEIVE A FREE IPOD NANO: 1 2. A Guip, Muy Bien Amigo, FRIDAY NIGHT BOOTLEG. You know, it just occurred to me that this thing isn't even interesting to read, I just put things on here that I might want to look at later, but then I never read it myself. I will do my best to make it more interesting, as in, I AM SO HUNGRY. Who is ILEANA RODRIGUEZ? LA RECLUTA!

01.30.08 FRIDAY MORNING BEFORE YOU GET OUT OF BED: "Rabbit Rabbit". Hot George Party Pix: Cups & Cakes, oh. Um, I don't have any party pix. Here are old pictures from NYE via Sheila: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8. Joan Hiller has new glasses and DID NOT get shot at the steak sandwich hut! She did remark that, indeed, it is a good steak sandwich, there at that place. OTHER THINKS: Alyssa Morin's "Human Body", sheets, pntgns, brkfst, via Calingaert: JUG-JUG-JUG-JUG-JUGGALO HIGH SCHOOL 1 2, Cool "Disco" Dan, "NOBODY BODDERS ME EADER". I Was There / What Is Better = Sally Timms, XXXTRA RARE. Faker/Caker, ewwww, teenz, final food party. If you are reading this party and would like to see Sally Timms, Janet Bean & Jim Elkington in my living room this weekend, let me know, I have 4 empty seats. Neat CTA Scammers: 1 2, if somebody gets all up in your face, TELL 'EM YAHHH. Oh my god, I want to die. Oh, hi! We're the Wallbrechts! We're coming to dinner!

01.22.08 GOOD GOD IN HEAVEN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEORGE. HOLY F HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIZ CLAYTON! GREAT BIRTHDAY FRIENDS! WE WILL WIN!

01.21.08 So many things happened this week, I am laying off of the drugs! BRIAN ULRICH VS. THE RED CHAIR, Matthau VS O'Neal, Woodlouse (in my bed), DICK KELLY, I am eating on the floor, DEREK ERDMAN BIG IMPETT SKATEBOARD PANTS 1988, the LANZ, Other Impett #1 #2, from now: Lonely Sadie; from before: JUST BLAZED. If somebody has a copy of Debris' Static Disposal, I would like to have it, thanks. WE ARE GREAT FRIENDS! WHOA ALERT: Plush is playing at the Rainbo on Tuesday night, if you have the means you'd be a FOOL to miss it.

01.14.08 HEY L@@K: Recently childhood acquaintance James Corlett USNR recently wrote to me and asked, "remember all of times that you got beat up?" Whoa. I got beat up A LOT as a teen. Wait, only twice. The best time was in 1990. You see, 2 years earlier I was dating Ericka Stadnick. In fact, she's the first person that I, uh, did it with. A fickle few months later we were simply friends. We were talking on the telephone one day and she said she had to get off because Eric Becker was on the other line. I was listening to Daniel Johnston at that moment, the song Don't Play Cards With Satan. As I vaguely knew Eric I told Ericka, "tell Eric I said don't play cards with Satan, he'll deal you an awful hand". 2 years later I was singing a GG Allin song (!) in a band called One Beat Off on July 4th. I had just burned an American Flag AND ERIC BECKER CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE. As I lay on the ground catching more of his fists with my face he leaned close and said, "Who's playing cards with Satan now, huh?" OH MY GOD, ERIC BECKER IS ON MYSPACE. Here are some other things: PUTNEY SWOPE IN A HALLWAY, hey, this guy sent me a coffee cup in the mail. Who is the father? IRAQ! I am drinking coffee, I am so happy about it. This is not my food, it's Polan's. More buttons: ADLAI, Familiar Brigade, G Committee, LIPINSKI, #72. Rejected flyers: #1 #2. A fruit, Hillary's Halloween 1992, WHEE Woodrupt, WHEE, "naked with laser discs", CUT IT UP/OFF, ew those people, WHERE IS IT?, TF Car, DK, OK.

01.07.08 There was a New Year's Eve party in my kitchen, living room, office, basement and on the roof. Here is the flyer for it, Sheila, Nick & Thomos took the digi-pix. I like to have parties, A LOT. People often ask me if I'm having fun at my parties because it looks like I'm not. It's hard to tell because I party on the inside. I buy pickles and hot dogs and 90 beers and drink sparkling wine and worry about my belongings and imagine people peeing all over my bathroom and think about cleaning up and then I'll look at somebody I don't know and smile and say, "THIS IS MY HOUSE!" and then they'll thank me and then I am glad. Here are some thingz: GIANT CHOPPER STEPE, Malvo/Muhammad, Sally Crewe's Cat In The Fridge, USA WAR ON FOOD, FF From Joan Hiller, FOYF, 50 Dirhams (x2), HI! HEY! WHOA!, In Germany, You're So Fun, Josh Todd, Title Fight Of The Week: Little Mac vs. Cassius Clay, Sally Crewe's Cat Off To Work, YOU DOWN WITH OBB?, Piggott/Ivor, Jacko Red Scare. This week I'll be re-doing the Paintings For Sale section of this website, this will include the dramatic price increase according to Aram Shumavon. I trust him, you can too. Things you can also trust: internet grief blog posts, John Hinckley Jr. THINGS THAT YOU WILL LIKE IF YOU LOVE THE OTHER THING: Tina Turner's theme song to Beyond Thunderdome, JAN TERRI, Danzig #1 #2 #3, Gary Coleman. People who were nice enough to allow me to listen to their music will find that I've reviewed it HERE. Mom, even though you sent me that old phoney chain email stating that Barack Obama is a Muslim out to ruin America, you'll be proud to know that the GRUNGE PANDA I made is on the Sub Pop website! Now pull yourself out of that suicidal slump, start a successful internet astrology business and take me to Cancun, THAT WOULD RULE. If you ever wondered what people write to me, here's a complete list of all of my email (& eBay) passwords. HOLY S, THIS WEBSITE OF OLD PUNKER FANZINES IS TOTALLY GREAT.

THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE I WILL LINK MY RE-CAP OF THE YEAR 2007 WHEN I WRITE IT.

12.23.07 You know, when I think about the internet, I think a lot about Liz Clayton, because in many ways, to me at least, she invented the internet. THAT'S A RUN ON SENTENCE. I often think about having to write in this place, and then people say, "OH, HEY, YOU SHOULD UPDATE YOUR WEBSITE MORE OFTEN" but I'm too busy laying in bed trying to sleep 20 hours a day. But Liz Clayton, she was always like, "GOD, I really hate when people write on their websites that they don't really want to write on their websites", so when I feel that way, I ignore it like a plague. I just want to lay there on pillows and eat chocolate and watch UNITED FLIGHT 93 and some other movies. I know there is a super-feud (neat) between Gerard C. and Jessica H. involving some sports and some name calling, though these people seem nice enough to me. Jessica came to my birthday party and wrote about the ULTRA TEENZ (which I could only aspire to be when I was that age, including whatever THIS might be) and me making the grilled cheese sandwiches, though this website is HA HA, and then there are these other things: GRAGZ photo, Too Much Too Soon, Melissa Albert color picks, IRON S, "up in it", A Cat on Some Boxes, SKL gore snap, and innernet linx: MIND OF MUSIC GONE MAD, NOI: #1 #2, Basement Rulerz, Friday Club Promo, Some Cigar KINGZ. I have had the best year of my life and would like for you to celebrate it on NYE, if you would like to come. QUOTE OF YEAR: "Derek, there is a tampon rolling around in the aisles of the bus. It is unopened, but nobody will pick it up because it is designed to go in butts so it is just rolling around, back and forth." Joan Hiller 2007

12.14.07 Jim Newberry and I had a birthday party, man so many people came! A lot of them ate grilled cheese sandwiches, I cooked them. Laura Kopen drove all the way to Michigan and bought a bunch of Bell's beer and brought it, people drank that and Old Style and $2 bottles of wine. People brought all sorts of gifts and everybody was really nice until later when other people came and didn't know it was a birthday party, they just wanted to eat my gummy bears, etc. I was like, "NO, DON'T". May I talk about mayonnaise? I like it so much, and things that require mayonnaise, but my problem is the bottle it seems to now come in. When I was tiny it just came in jars but now everything has to be squeezed, why? I really don't like the way that it splatters when it first comes out. I also don't like when mustard is watery or when chocolate is old and light brown and dusty. Everything else though, I like just fine! If you do not live in Chicago, I will tell you about the weather here: it is cold. My phone didn't work for the last two days, so I also didn't have a lot of internet. It seemed to work for 20 seconds every three minutes so I would have to wait and then send messages. The telephone person came later, his name was Eithyel Roundtree. I didn't ask him how that is pronounced, I would guess it is something like EEETH-YEL. Am I wrong about this? He was nice, I gave him ginger ale in the laundry room (this is not a euphemism). OH I FORGOT TO MENTION: I am moving out of my house at the end of January 2008. I am only telling the internet because I thought you (the internet) might want to move in, it is such a nice house. Plus, it would be good if somebody I knew moved in so I could come and visit at times and look at the things that I changed about it and say, "HEY I DID THAT", and then I would marvel at the rent increase price, etc. OH GOD I am not really moving out of my house, but YEESH my first gas bill of the winter was $394.70. If I would have just been cold for that month I could have afforded 132 boxes of Le Petit Ecolier Cookies from Jewel (I just did the math plus tax on a calculator!) or a rather nice week with a rather icky prostitute. I am eating chips now, they are tasty and salty. I just ate a turkey sandwich, it was made by Sara Lee, she is a giant food company based in Downers Grove, IL. Man, that's the absolute best name for a city, because it's just like a bunch of dudes in worn denim reclining on a grassy hill just looking around going, "HEYYYYY". Later they eat ice cream, I like Chunky Monkey (because I like banana ice cream). OK, HERE'S THE THING, I am pioneering a new, new sleep schedule. It's called 36/12 deluxe. It's different from standard 36/12 (which, if you recall, means that you stay up for 36 hours and then sleep for 12) because now you don't have to keep doing it, you can change the schedule the next day if you want. Also, you can nap, in fact, it's encouraged! But, to say that you're on 36/12 deluxe, you have to do it at least once a week and it can't be Sunday because Monday is the start of the new week and you wouldn't really have any idea which week you started in. Some other things happened in the last 10 days: I ate steak, texted, spent $174.88 at the post office. Look, I am just like, "I SPENT SO MUCH MONEY" all of the time now, it's what I do. I am proud of myself. Sara Lee's new slogan is "The Joy Of Eating", I agree. The name Sara Lee came from early owner Charles Lubin's daughter. If I have a daughter and name a food company after her, I will call it Colette Dolores and it's best selling product will "old style" mayonnaise in a jar. I have a question, what is important in life? Is it happiness? How important is happiness? Here are other things for thinking: A. GRAGZ Birthday Party Pictures: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13, I get emails, sometimes they say THIS, Natal Chart courtesy Amy L, some food, Sara Kaye Storms Mexico, I GOT YOUR LETTER, Peller, command, yottabyte, that's what they are for. There is good music here. Here is a good Christmas song.

HEY LOOK! My birthday is on December 6th. You can send gifts. Things I like are: AA batteries, candy, Winsor & Newton (Galeria Round S) paint brushes, chocolate, gift certificates, cookies, funny hats, high thread count sheets, flowers & blank DVDs & CDs. OK THANKS!

Newberry/Erdman Birthday Rager: Saturday December 8th:

12.03.07 Things that happened for a reason: Blood/Bachrach, Presidential Guarantee , GHOSTZ, "cheese please", Mittendorf/Burg, Good Denial, brace yourself, Tiffany Morris (3). On a recent trip to CT I took a bunch of McDonald's french fry clings from windows at rest stops, now I don't want them anymore. If you want one, let me know. OTHER FREE THINGS: Ronettes, Crystals. Via Carolyn Getson: Terminal Tower On Fire, via Caitlin Spies: Can You Fly / Some Comatose Apples. My ghoul cousin chatted me hostile, last week, I COULD JUST SCREAM! Would you like to know what's great? FREE DRAWINGS FROM JASON POLAN ARE GREAT. The video for Plush's Take A Chance has been released, OH WOW. See those ovals on the wall at :58? I made those.

11.27.07 Ok, I don't have the pictures to prove it, but I met Lisa Suckdog at The Peninsula hotel for brunch. I was wearing scrubby clothes and people were giving me the Pretty Woman look and her expensive boyfriend paid for the whole lot and I dined on gold encrusted eggs. I was so nervous that I made a bad impression and had to go back to Erin's house and go to sleep for the rest of the day. OTHER THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN NEW YORK CITY: training, dog & coat, Erin & S5, M. Gira having a walk-by, dog & people, art bathroom, dog bathing, heavy hanging. Then we drove the $999 NYC rental car to Providence, Rhode Island where we ate the turkeys, lobsters & saw the dead people place, HERE IT IS, LOOK: Doll Pictures 1 2 3, manufactured excitement, DUDEZ. The "dead people place" is The Station in Warwick, RI. I demanded to go there. WE WENT! You can see a MUY FASCINATING video about it here. Here are pictures that I took: 1 2 3 4 5. Here are some other things: 1 10 100 1000 10000 Winstons = 11111 Winstons, 30 25 35, REALLY TRUE, double DP, Frances Farmer: There's No Way Back Home, FF earlier, REAL TROUBLED: 1 2, the good CD pyramid, ORTOLET, pert-private calling, TTOPS, WIN STAMP. I don't know what an "artist note" is, but it looks NEAT! Stop wondering what I do all day long, mingering, TEENZ TALKIN, TBDC WEBNET, cool. TOTALLY SERIOUS: Do you find yourself needing to call China but not having any money? USE THESE PHONE CARDS, I NO LONGER NEED THEM. Newbz & I are having a birthday party on December 8th, you can come if you want, maybe.

11.26.07 Oh Erin Hosier, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Sorry for not updating my internet website.

Good things in life, I think, are tense and creepy and appalling. I think about food all of the time.

11.15.07 Well, so busy! So many things do to! So self important! Last night I had a well deserved paella freak-out, if you saw it you would have said, OH GREAT. A quick glance at IPC (Internet Poetry Corner) reveals a spotlight on Uniontown / Kent State's Chandra Wilson and her riveting work from 1993: 1 2 3 4. Also there are these pictures: "DO IT", "GREAT MESS", "TPM", "As a window cleaner, forget it. Put soybeans in it and market it as a soft drink in the ghetto. We'll put a picture of a rhythm and blues singer on the front and call it Victrola Cola.", "I Love You Like This", "They Will Try", "Important OK Twins". COMPU-BATTLE: Joan Hiller Dot Com vs. joanhiller.com. I am going to miss the dog Sadie. I can spin the dog, I will not take a dog, it's mean. HEY, ME AND PATTY AND THE FOREST FOR THE TREES! Later, there was soup, George, Rebekka, Old Peace Party & YOU SINGING WORD UP. Magikist was a U.S.-based rug cleaner manufacturer. CREEP VS. CREEPZ VS. CREPES. OFFICIALLY REALLY DOING IT: Hannah Woodroofe. H. Dean Hudson Jr.'s telephone number can be found here. Congratulations! I have