PRE-NOTE: I went to Ohio for my mother's birthday. She is 55! She should retire! I am just kidding. Her name is Patty.


This is Patty's new house. I am so glad for it, it's like gingerbread. She's keeping it clean but there's no
way that George would drink out of any of the cups here. She has so much cable TV, but I just slept a lot.

This is her! This is the person! I love this woman, I came out of her body. When I was a teenager and
she was mad at me she used to say, "I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND I CAN TAKE YOU
BACK OUT!" and I would always say, "I'M NOT GOING OUT THE SAME WAY THOUGH!" and then
she would call me a "son of a bitch" and then we'd both start laughing. Later I would eat Kraft Dinner.


AYE! It is some of my family and plates of chicken. Jeremy is the one with the "I couldn't be less
interested" look on his face. Patty is really taking a load off. It was her day!


This cat is called Simba. Patty kept calling her Simba Louise, a name I'm sure she just made up
along the way. She also had some Himalayans that she rescued "from some gay guys that were
going to put them to sleep" (!). Simba is a Maine Coon, with an "m" on her head. My mother
pointed this out to me 15 times, but for pretty good reason as I wasn't really listening the first
13 times. I am a grump!


Simba had an abortion last month. You see, Patty also has some feral cats 'round the yard
and one of them, uh, "took to" Simba. Later Patty took Simba to the pet RX to get some cat
tubes tied and they told her that there were some l'il ones a brewin' and Patty demanded:
"GET RID OF THEM AT ONCE". I always tell people that I'm a classist and I think I now
know where it comes from. But you know, in reverse.


This is LA STRESSER. I think she likes me, but I mostly annoy her. Remember when you were
17 and your older cousin totally embarrassed you by making you point to the GIANT EAGLE
sign in broad daylight? That didn't really happen here, we actually spent most of our time
discussing that the grocery store chain GIANT EAGLE would be better if it was named
GIANT CARDINAL and there were smaller convenience stores called L'IL CARDINAL.


This cat is named after George, it is named Julia. George doesn't really care though, she's
already had a cat named after her. She was like: BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. Dude, I totally hate
when people say that. Other sayings that drive me bats: chillin', when a person is "chill", chillaxin,
it's all good, my bad, no worries, ETC. UPDATE: George just demanded that I add that she is FLATTERED
to have this cat named after her and never said what I wrote above.


There is a train by Patty's house that just goes back and forth through the woods. People
are absolutely wild for trains. WHY IS IT? I mean, it is a giant metal rolling thing that makes
the ground shake and the horn is so loud and roads close for them when they come by
and people re-create them in their basements when they hate their marriages. I'm just
speculatin' over here.


It's a hummingbird! They just happen here!


This is the end of dinner. In that orange bowl was $34 worth of olives, but nobody seemed to care about them.
Here's a list of all of the things that I spent money on in OHIO.


I bought my cousin a lottery ticket at a drive through and he won $531! I asked him if I
could have $100 of it and he said YES. Then we went to 36 taverns in the Parma area.
That's all it is in Parma now, taverns and check cashers. So many people remarked how
much they loved my rental car, it was a Chevy Cobalt.


HOLY S, it is LA STRESSER pointing at her new truck. Stresser's orange RUN-DMC laces totally ruled the day.



I took 2 Mr. Hero clings from a window when James & I were driving around town. I have been
stealin' clings since I was a teen. Come & get me, coppers!


One night when I couldn't sleep I found a ragged paperback book in Patty's closet called Accidently
On Purpose: A One-Night Stand, My Unplanned Parenthood, and Loving the Best Mistake I Ever Made.
This is absolutely, with no doubt the worst book to ever be written. And inside of this book I found a
photo of me when I was 12. And in that photo, I was wearing that sleeveless Nagel off-brand Jams
shirt. And as I lay on a bed covered in cat hair, I quietly said to myself: "awesome".


The Cuyahoga river is where all of the plastic & foam goes. When Patty and I were walking through
the woods we came across some water bottles and she demanded that she was going to take them
home and use them. I explained that there were probably all sorts of malaria on them, and after
explaining that she'd boil them, she just threw them back on the ground! I picked them up to
throw them away later, and when I was talking near the river she told me to fill them with river
water. I thought she was serious, so I started to, but she told me she was joking. Then later when
we were reading about White Sucker fish that you can eat one a month of out of the river I quietly
threw the bottles away because I knew she'd really wanted them. When I was laying on her couch
watching Avatar she told me that she got the couch in the garbage and I immediately felt 999,999
ticks crawl into my pants.


This is Claire. We dated in college and then we broke up and both left. She got married but then she got divorced
and bought a giant house in Kent. She said I could live there for $300 / month and I'm totally mulling it over. It
was part of the Underground Railroad so there are secret tunnels all over it. She also owns a Volvo P-1800 which
I absolutely covet without apology.


This is Aubrey. We also dated in college. She never got married and now she writes children's books and lives
in Maine. She said I could live with her for $600 / month and I could eat lobsters all of the time. I asked her
if she had a Volvo P-1800, but she just looked at me as if she remembered me from way back when and silently
recanted her offer to let me live with her.


Look at what is the same in these two pictures! I was so glad to discover this.

This is Jeremy & James. They might be 1/2 brothers, but they're wholly TOTALLY RAD.


Here is Patty in action. She as so mad after I took this picture, she said, "YOU'D BETTER NOT
PUT THAT GOD DAMNED PICTURE ON THE INTERNET". Actually, I don't think she said GD,
she's almost a Jehova's Witness.


Oh, well it's this cat again. The one that woke me up in the middle of the night by batting my
face with her paws. Then, when I got up to pee, she jumped onto the toilet and probably got
some of that all over her. EW, I AM TELLING YOU THIS. My bad, I'm chill.


"Cats wag their tails when it is in a stage of conflict. The cat wants to do two things at once, but each impulse blocks the other. For example:
If your cat is in the doorway wanting to go outside, and you open the door to find it raining, the cat's tail will wag because of internal conflict.
The cat wants to go outside, but doesn't want to go into the rain. Once the cat makes a decision and either returns to the house or leaves
into the rain, the tail will immediately stop wagging."


I was taking picture of Julia the cat when I noticed my mother's bed. It was then that I realized that
I love that woman for real. She's neat!


I am glad that I went to Ohio. I think I will go back someday, after I move to Guam.