RAP OVER THE PHONE IS NEAT! www.derekerdman.com



A friend recently told me that his sister was being harrassed at work. As my friend and I are traditionally non-violent types (except when we are attacking snacks!) we decided that we would call up Maurice. "IT'S $17 A CALL", Maurice yelled into the phone. "PAYPAL IT OVER AND I'LL HIT THE DIGITS!"


For the first time ever Rap Master Maurice is willing to VIGILANTE MIND BATTLE RAP CALL anybody who has been wronged. Simply PayPal $17 and give a brief explanation of the "trouble" and you're EVEN STEPHEN. Do it now because soon it will cost $24 and you will say to yourself, "I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT WHEN IT WAS $17".

BECOME A FAN OF RAP MASTER MAURICE on Facebook! Or exercise free will
and don't. It's your life, champ.

Pay here ($17) for revenge raps:

Pay here ($24) for non-revenge (friendly) raps:

After you pay, send an email to the same address with what your rap is about.
Include names and a phone number and good details. AND THEN: RAPS.


"Sublet Your Ears"
"A Lot Of Free Beer"
"Emotional Tax Hike"
"Rappin' Sly"
"Unlike A Hanging Chad"
"You'll Always Want To Do Somersaults"
"Abusing Fossil Fuels"
"A Degree In Jerk"
"Maurice VS The Butcher"
"Hot Peruvian Waiter"
"Build A Time Machine"
"Try Nautilus"
"Goebbels Of The Head"
"Monsieur Rogers & Le Neighborhood"
"Writer's Block"
"Muy Bien Amigo"
"Faberge Egg"
"Tet Offensive" (Full Version)
"A Lot Of Nuts"
"High Cut Shorts"
"More Fabric Than Joann"
"Muscles Are Sweet"
"PhD In Wisdom"
"Break On Through"
"A Cake With A Hole"
"Before You Further Decay"
"Don't End Up Like Marilyn Monroe"
"More Rumours Than Fleetwood Mac"
"Omnipresent Health Decline"
"The Insane Vote For McCain"
"A Harbor Of Pearl"
"Rock & Roll Disease Without Any Cure"
"You've Probably Driven Through Kalamazoo"
"Charles Manson's Real Target Was Terry Melcher"
"Like Dabney Coleman In 9 To 5"
"My Rap Instinct Is Basic"
"Taking Pictures Of Coffee"
"Pictures Of Dicks"
"Canine Version Of Bernhard Goetz"
"Return Your Sister's Calls"
"Jewel Boxing"
"The New Inconvenient Truth"
"I Know At Least Three Got The HPV"
"Hair On Your Body"
"Totally Hussein"
"Spending Time With Nao Season"
"Another Generation Of Ding-Dongs"
"Your New Favorite Band"
"Poll The Kids At Your Middle School"
"As Cutting Edge As A Phone Booth"
"If Being A Slob Was A Crime, They'd Throw You Into The Clink"
"Put Your Mom's Nissan Ultima Back In The Garage"
"More Friends Than David Schwimmers"
"Discontinued Like The McDLT"
"Juno Ain't Groovy"
"Playing Bingo With The Girls"
"Now You Know About Me"
"Your Bathroom's Like Nancy Reagan"
"Your Bathroom's Like Nancy Reagan #2"
"You Got A Heart Like Greenland"
"Flakier Than A Head Of Dandruff"
"A Whole Lotta Flakin' Goin' On"
"Embargoed Like Fidel Castro"
"Flakier Than A Baklava Buffet"
"Like Patti Labelle, She Needs A New Attitude"
"More Company Than Stephen Sondheim"
"Show 'Em Around"
"The Only Sound You'll Be Hearing Is Broken Glass"
"You're A Karma Chameleon"
"You're A Karma Chameleon (Director's Cut)"
"A PhD In Rapocology"
"Without Decorum To The Nth Degree"
"You Need A Calendar, I Suggest eBay"
"Like A Whooping Cough On The Telephone"
"You Should Do What You Want & They Should Mind Their Bees!"
"Honest As George Ryan From Illinois"
"It Will Take A Little While For Your Friendship To Grow"
"Out Of This World Like The Space Shuttle Endeavour"
"Santa Claus Won't Find Your House When The Sky Is So Grey"
"That Tree's A Grenade"
"Your Attitude Went Down Under Like The Men At Work"
"Magazines Don't Come For Free"
"You're Gonna Be Working At Arby's"
"Here's A Special Delivery, Your Attitude Is A Mess"
"With Chairs We All Can Sit Down With Stools It's Just Not Allowed"
"You Act Just Like Julia Roberts In The Pelican Brief"
"They Gotta Listen All Day To The Toilet Flush"
"It's Like You Took A College Course & Now You're Fluent In It"
"If Joy Was Like The Balkans You're Attila The Hun"
"Your Customer Service Ain't No Service At All"
"Afraid She's Gonna Make The Chicks Disappear"
"You Can't Spend All Your Time In Albany"
"Use Some Tort Law"
"It Looks Like You're Living With A Tornado"
"If You Were A Movie From '89 You'd Be Karate Kid 3"
"Keep Pressing Those Buttons Into Infinity"
"More Offensive Than Birth Of A Nation"
"The Dudes That You Date Are Not State Of The Art"
"You Probably Think Fine Dining Is The Chuck E. Cheese"
"It's Not At All O-Tay"
"We're Talking Like Gollum In Lord Of The Rings"
"Leaving Your Sister In The Dust"
"Naked & Messy"
"Call Your Dear Old Dad"
"Friendship Vacation"
"It Takes A Lot Of Tact"
"The World's Largest Living Chatty Cathy Doll"
"Dont Be A Goof"
"You Make Peanuts Selling Peanuts"
"If Losing Was Food"
"Playing With Your Wii"
"Try A New Technique"
"Watching Football"
"Donuts With Proportional Glaze"
"I'll Dress Up As You Next Halloween"
"You'd Be A Minor Threat"
"That Dog Should Go To The Pound"
A Jerk In This Story
A Pair Of Scissors At Eye Level
A PhD In Cool Dude
A PhD In Your Family
A Really Swell Reunion
A Service Improvement
A Sweet Beard That You Should Never Shave
A Turkey In Turkey
A Wet Towel Tale
About As Loving As Genghis Khan
Absolutely Top Floor
Acting Laissez-Faire
Acting Michael Bay
All That Miley Cyrus Can Drive A Man Insane
Alone At Night
Always Fixing Up Your Shitty GTI
An Imposition Of The War Measures Act
Asian Ira Glass
At Home With Some Vaseline
Bailing On Your Pal
Bankrupt On Discretion
Bromancing The Stone
Change Your Name To Pierre
Check Your Technique
Convincing & Pushy
Creeping Without A Doubt
Deal With Your Problems Like Daniel-San
Don't Go Berserk
Don't Act Like A Pawn Shop
Empty Promises About Tasty Food
Engage The Friends That You Came To Meet
Everyone Said Amen
Exact Opposite Of Glenn Beck
Flyer Grump
Fondness Of Sheep
Food Elite
Get Yourself To Work
Getting Stung By Bees
Give The Milk To All Of Your Feral Cats
Glued To The Screen Just Like Me
Grab Onto Your Socks
Here Comes The Plot
Hoping Steve Can Buy Everyone Beers
I Demand She Send It Back
If Being Lame Was Food Youd Be A Buffet
If Disappointment Was A Crime Then You Would Be Jailed
If Friends Were Basic Instinct
If Life Was Saved By The Bell
If Your Love Was A Boat
In A Hat Trick Handbasket
It's Like She's A Palestinian And You're Ariel Sharon
It's Not Cool To Punch Your Girlfriend
Jelly In The Turkey
King Of Flaking
Know Your Limits
Life Is As Short As Gary Coleman
Like The Actor Jon Voight
Mad As A Hatter
Made Out Of Glue
Mens & Womens Pants
Mind-Mapping Makes Her Weak In The Knees
More Friends Than Neil Peart's Got Drums
More Screwed Up Than 90210
No Fad
Not A Word To Thank Your Pal
Not Up For Debate
One Sorry Dude
Other Places You Should Stick Your Nose
Pen Pal Jail
Rather Mean Green Chili
Raven King
Return That Movie ASAP
Roommate Pol Pot
Savor Your Win
Selling Heaters In The Month Of July
Something To This Much Ado
Surprised By A Fan
The Anthony Sowell Of Your Neighborhood
The BGHL Dont Have No Stanley Cup
The Comedic Stylings Of A Runaway Train
The Fabric Of Your Friendship
The Homophobia Buffet
The Jokes On You
The Wine Rack Back
This Telephone Rap Is All You Gots
Totally Rad Spouse
Unlike MC Hammer You Were Not Legit
Virtual Regret
Watching Food Television
What Needs To Be Recycled
Working Up A Sweat
You Don't Get To Choose
You Go A Bit Askew
You Got No Excuse
You Gotta Be Polite
Your Brain Is Blocked By Your Gigantic Hair
You're Oh So Great
You're On The Side Of Truth
You're Second To None
A Book Of Awful
As Bankrupt As Ulysses S Grant
Cake In The Car
Closer In Age To Eddie Vedder
Don't Forget The Tux!
Emotionally Empty Lost & Found
Head Barista At The Jerk Cafe
Heaven Forbid
Hippies At Work
If Inconsiderate Was A Major
Instead You Got Some STDs
Just Not Right
Lessons On How To Behave
More Like A Grump
Moving To Germany
No Charade
President Smell
Raise A Little Hell
Ruder Than A Lumberjack On Arbor Day
Ruining Dinner
Some Simethicone
Telephone Snob
The Bees Knees
The Debt To Your Brother Cannot Be Ignored
The Elusive Patti Proctor
Thrown Out Of The Game
Totally Burnt
Two Tank Charlie
Virtual Regret
When It Comes To Human Beings You're Number One
Worse Than Marshall Applewhite
A Little Under Par
Always Eating Apples On The Telephone
Birthdayless Cake
Carrot Top
Cause For Celebration
Good With The Lens
I'm Gonna Pick The Flu
Like I'm Marvin Gaye
Malfuntion In Your Temporal Lobe
More Slippery Than An Oil Spill
Opposite Frown
Out Of Business Like TWA
Part 1 - Patch Me Through
Part 2 - Breaking Up
Phil Collins & NWA
Put A Cork In It
Selling Beef Over The Telephone
Sexual Mouse
Spend The Day Lounging
Stax Of Cash
The Job You're Doing At Life
White Balance
Who Is The Boss
You Gotta Work On Your Id
Your Life Is Grand

"Burritos & Hot Sauce"
"The Gift Of The Year"
"Andy's Valentine Rap"
"Chrissie's Valentine Rap"
"Jessica's Valentine Rap"
"Lisa's Valentine Rap"
"A Prayer For Patrick Swayze"
"Birthday Re-Rap"
"Make A Sweater For Your Cat To Wear"
"Raw Fish Makes Everyone Drool"
"You Lost Some Teeth In Munich, Germany"
"The National Guard Went To Kent State & Blew Some Students Away"
"Running Low On Monkey Tape"
"These Aren't The Brakes"
"Don't Cut Off Your Ear Like Vincent Van Gogh"
"Next Year I'll Just Buy You A Sweater"
"These Aren't The Brakes"
"The Gender Identity Of Thomas Cruise"
"A Twin Named Shelly"
"Your New Favorite Band"
"I Hope You Received Some Bacon Wrapped Dates"
"Relish Is A Thing We All Can Hate"
"In Walrus That Means You're A Lot Of Fun"
"You're Tall, You Like Basketball & The Fall"
"It Sounds Like You Moved In To A Fitness Club"
"If You Break The Law The Cops Will Put You Under Arrest"
"Awesome And Fantastic And Stupendous Combined"
"Raking In The Bucks Just Like Nick The Greek"
"Your Kids Play Hockey In Sweden"
"I Gotta Admit, I Like Dr. Pepper Too"
"A Hero Ain't Just A Sandwich"
"A Friend, A Plan, A Canal"