INTERVIEW: Tommy Chaskey ON 6/13/03

Thomas came to my house once to buy a painting during yard sale. He drove like 3 hours to get here! And then he had to go to work! 3rd Shift! He's mentioned that he'd have me over for dinner, and I'd totally do it if they were serving Chicken Paprikash.

1. Hello Tom!
Hello Derek, thanks for this interview opportunity. I know it will lead to fame and fortune for us both. For the record, I spell my name Tomm. When I was a kid, and I didn't want to be called Tommy anymore, I just dropped the "y". Family members thought it was cute, so it stuck.

2. What do you think about Michael J. Fox?
I think that his future looks pretty shaky. Ok, I know, that was mean. I think that I would hate to have Parkinsons. I bet it would make you really tired from moving all the time. Other than that, I think M.J.F. is a fine former-Canadian. I'd pay to see him and Janet Reno dance together.

3. Have you ever seen that teen-movie that he was in with Nancy Mckeon?
I think I've seen it, hard to say. So many of those 80's movies blend together in my head. If I remember correctly, it was centered around some really rad rock band. I may be confusing it with that one Bateman sibling vehicle. I know that was about a rad rock band. I think it's ironic that we have now brought up the Batemans, considering the Michael J. Fox/Bateman connection in the "Teen Wolf" series, not to mention Family Ties.

4. What do you think of Nancy Mckeon?
While I don't know much about ol' Nancy, I always related to her portrayal of the Jo character, since I'm so amazingly edgy. Jo was edgy, she rode a motorcycle, and she fixed them, that's so hot. I have this image in my head of her popping her grease stained face up from behind a motorcycle. I'm not really sure if that was ever in the show, but I like it anyway.

5. Speaking of Facts Of Life, what do you think of Blair Warner? Hot stuff, eh?
Blair was ok, I guess. She did have that whole "hot rich girl" thing going on, and she knew it. I imagine that Blair would have become pretty porky later in life. Honestly, I always had the hots for Tootie. She was exotic and cute, all wrapped up in wide-eyed innocence.

6. Can you believe how many candybars I ate today?
No. When you-know-who called me today and told me how many you ate, I was dumbfounded. I pray that you are not diabetic. Your dentist must think highly of you. I went to the dentist yesterday, and had no cavities. The hygenist told me that you are better off eating six candy bars at once, as opposed to eating one and taking small bites all day, that way, you get your dose of sugar all at once and your mouth can then clean itself up.

7. What kind of car do you drive?
I drive a 1998 Suzuki Swift. For those that don't know, it's a Chevy Metro. Suzuki makes the Metro for Chevrolet, I just have the Suzuki version. I like my car. I get 47 mpg highway. It's funny though, I'm a large man, in a tiny car. The stereo is good, so I can rock hard.

8. Do you have pets?
I have a Chow/Golden Retriever mix dog. She is all black, and named Freckles. My then four year old daughter named her.

9. Did you ever see that Facts Of Life where all of the girls sneak off to go skiing?
I'm sure I must have, considering that I spent most of my youth in front of the television. For some reason, I have blocked it from my memory.

10. Did you ever see the Family Ties where Tom Hanks was on and drank a bottle of vanilla extract because he wanted to get drunk?

Can you really blame him for wanting to get blitzed? I think that if I had to spend any significant ammount of time around Tina Yothers, or the dad, I'd want to drink whatever I could get my hands on.

11. Do you like to fight?
I do not like physical altercations. A nice verbal battle can be oodles of fun.

12. Have you been in fights?
I have been in a few physical fights, but I never kicked as much ass as I would have liked. Why, do you want to fight, Derek?

13. Have you ever tasted your own blood?
It's like sucking on a penney, only jucier.

14. Have you ever tasted anybody else's blood?
Yes, but I refuse to comment on the circumstances. I'll just say that it was in no way goth-related.

15. Have you ever killed another living being besides an insect of some sort?
Yes, as a youth, I would routinely hunt small animals with my cousins. They lived on a farm, and the small animals just caused problems. I'm actually a great shot.

16. Do you hate yourself?

Nope, I'm not cool enough to hate myself. All the really cool people hate themselves.

17. Do you like to vote?
Oh hell yes. I'd never miss the chance. I'm addicted to politics, but probably not yours. Everyone should vote for me when I run for the Senate someday.

18. Do you like to drink?
I love to drink, I could drink things continuously. I'm presently trying to break my addiction to the cola family of beverages. Pepsi is better than Coke. I don't drink much alcohol anymore. I seem to have come to the point where it just makes me sleepy, but it may be the hours that I have to keep. I used to consume a lot of alcohol to wash down all the other substances I used to do.

19. Do you like heavy metal music?

I guess that would depend on your definition of "heavy metal". I probably like the Melvins a lot more than I should. For some reason, I completely missed out on the whole 80's metal thing back when I was a kid. I never listened to Motley Crue, or Iron Maiden or any stuff like that. I went from listening to Prince, to the Dead Kennedys and Black Flag because that's what I saw all the cool skateboarders listening to in the magazines. I would have to say that I do like heavy metal.

20. Have you ever been in a car accident?
No, never. Move along, nothing to see here.

21. Where do you live?
I live in Crystal Lake, Illinois with my wife and four daughters, in a nice house. I like it here. You should come for dinner sometime, my wife can cook extremely well.

22. Do you like to hunt?
I do not like to hunt. I still have some remaining guilt over killing all those small animals when I was a kid. When I was 16, my father dragged me up to northern Wisconsin to go deer hunting because he thought I was headed down the wrong path in life and that spending a week killing deer would be a good way to straighten me out. I spent the entire week walking around the woods, listening to my walkman, trying to find some wild pot growing. I didn't have any luck.

23. Have you ever participated in a seance?

No, I never have. As a teen I dabbled with the Ouija board, just like everone else. I wish I had dated a girl that was into that kind of crap so I could have said to people, "She blinded me, with seance".

24. Isn't milk kinda gross?
Kinda? The whole idea of drinking bodily fluids that come from another species is completely revolting. It does not bother me enough, aparently, because I drink quite a bit of it. How else would I eat my cereal?

25. Do you have a favorite kind of cheese?
I can't honestly say that I have a favorite. Cheese is good, no matter how you slice it. Depends on the dish that the cheese is served with. Smoked cheese is gross though, it's like eating solid smoke.

26. Do you like baseball?
I like playing baseball if I'm with the right people. Watching baseball on tv is agonizing. I have not been to a game in years, so I can't remember if I like the ballpark experience.

27. Have you ever been to Ohio?
I have been to Ohio a few times. I went to a big amusement park there with my mothers cousin once. It sucked because the big roller coaster was not operating, and the cousin wouldn't give me quarters to play video games because she said that they would ruin my fingers.

28. In as few words as possible, describe for me what happened during World War II:
Holy crap, man. Could you possibly have asked a tougher question? Damn. ....Politcs,death, war, victory.

29. Do you go to church?
Every Sunday and all holy days. I'm a good Catholic boy.

30. Do you think Mike Tyson is the greatest boxer to ever live?
I personally don't think that Mike Tyson is the greatest anything. I actually think he is a disgusting human being. He may be able to kick a lot of ass, but I think as far as sports idols go, he is very close to the bottom of the heap. Greatness has other parameters than just skill.

31. Isn't fried bologna really good?

Now I'm hungry. Fried bologna is so good. I'm going to have to make a special trip to the grocery store for some on my way home from work just so I can have some. Did you kow that if you take a slice of bologna and put it on the hood of a car on a hot summer day, and leave it there for a few hours,it will eat right through the paint? It's true. Try it on a car that belongs to someone that has done you wrong.

32. What's your wife's name?
Jennifer, but I usually call her Jen. I love her a whole heck of a lot.

33. Does she talk on the telephone a lot?
Not too much, no.

34. Does she exercise?
Sometimes. She wants to sign up at some womens workout place so she can do it more often. I bought her a bike for Christmas, she has yet to ride it.

35. Does she eat a lot of candy bars?
No, my wife eats pretty well. She makes and drinks smoothies with soy milk and wheat germ. She will probably outlive me by decades.

36. Do you eat a lot of candy bars?
I eat way too many candy bars. I like chocolate quite a bit. That may explain why I'm as portly as I am.

37. Explain to me your typical breakfast order while dining out:
Coffee,corned beef hash n' eggs, over easy with hash browns. I mix it all together into one giant pile of goodness. Then I listen to my wife tell me about how I'm going to have a heart attack when I'm 40.

38. Have you ever driven drunk?
Yes, beause I used to be an idiot.

39. Do you hate your parents?
I do not hate my parents, but I do have a strong dislike for them. My parents are wacky people, and not in a good way. I'd go into the whole thing with them, but who really wants to hear me whine about my life? I have not spoken to my mother in 7 months.

40. Did you ever see that movie Soul Man? That movie is classic!
I have seen that movie several times, in small segments, not in the right order. Thats what happens when a movie is the HBO movie of the month 872 times. What ever happened to C. Thomas Howell? Do you think he's related to Andy Howell? I don't think that I could pull off pretending to be black, I'm a white boy, through and through. Can't dance, can't jump, and I walk funny.

41. Ok, bye!
Bye, Derek. I hope you have a spectacular day. I'm going to show up at your house sometime this summer and drag your ass out skateboarding.