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INTERVIEW: CHRIS PANKER ON 7/10/03 Chris Panker is a cold slow roller in his late teens all holed up in SoCal keepin' shit all real. A partner in crime with Colin Tappe, expect an in-depth interview with that dizzig quite soon. Chris Painter is the key-stroker behind one of the choicest sites on the m-internet. Love life, my good friend. Keep on keepin' on. Who is burning, who is burning, effigy. Hello! --Hi! How are things? --pretty fucking good, GREAT! What's your plan for the 4th of July? --WOO HOO!!! Do you like desserts? --yeah, they are pretty good. I like the chocolate shakes at Denny's. If I had a lot of dough ($bling$), I would totally splurge on the banana splits. Where did you get the idea for Hilaryfan.com? -- I evolved from a pure Disney fan to a Lizzie McGuire/Even Stevens fan, to a Lizzie McGuire fan, to a Hilary Duff fan. Then I found the joy of supporting a certain Ms. Duff on the internet, which led to finding the right people, which turned into Hilaryfan.com, which is the #1 Hilary Duff fansite on the web. How fucking cool is that? Do you get a lot of stupid e-mails from teens because of that site? -- Totally. A lot of people think I am actually Hilary Duff, which mega rules. I know I could have some fun with those youthful teenyboppers, but I keep it clean and simple. One time I even got an email from a mother giving her daughter permission to use our website, since legally we need to say that kids need permission to join the forums. She wrote out like a half a page letter saying that her daughter is under thirteen and she has full permission. I replied "okay". Do you desire to meet Hilary Duff? --I have met Hilary. I meet her in a Glendale mall signing, I got my picture with her and three autographs. I also went to a taping of Hollywood squares where she was the top left square. That was quite a trip, and since I didn't have a car, bumming a ride to Hollywood is pretty difficult. What do you think she's like in person? --She is totally nice, and sounds a lot different in person. TV adds a lot. And she's pretty cute, in an adorable kinda way. I got her to say Esco rocks.
--I used to shoplift a lot. When I was in sixth grade, I went on a trip to the natural history museum in San Diego with my class. We spent the night at the museum, and there was a Jurassic Park Exhibit going on. I got caught in the middle of the night climbing the dinosaurs and dumping all of the coffee creamer all over the room. I got in fairly deep shit with my teacher. The next day our class went to the san diego zoo and I was on a tight leash with my teacher (cause I was in deep shit). During one of our breaks, I went to a gift shop and walked out with pockets full of $20 porcelain pandas and koalas. The gift shop lady came out and was pretty pissed. I couldn't hide it. When I got back to school, our school D.A.R.E. officer told my parents that I would never amount to anything. He is probably right. What's your favorite movie? --Boyz in the Hood is pretty powerful, but I cant stand watching it. I would either have to say The Longest Yard (Burt Reynolds at his absolute finest), Surf Nazis Must Die (Just because of the name), Agent Cody Banks (props to Hilary), or the Lizzie McGuire Movie (great performance scene). Did you like Michael Keaton as Batman? --He was the best. What's your main mode of transportation? --After I drove my vehicle into the ocean in an all night driver with Colin and removed it from the towing yard ($ ouch $), then Hit a fucking street sign a couple weeks later, the 86' beige Ford Mustang died. Now I rely on the bus and my handsome feet. What do you think of Danzig? --What do you think of a fist sandwich. How long have you known Colin Tappe? --for a few years, maybe longer. Is he fun to be around? --Totally fucking annoying, he smells like shit, plays with his ballz waaaay too much, pisses in a bedpan, and listens to nothing other than the vengaboys. I lie. What's your favorite candy bar? --Macaroni and Chesse. How do you like girls to look? -Tall and blonde. Girls are best when the "fly level" is turned up to the max. Do you have favorite clothes? If so, what are they? --I have a Bugle Boy tank top which pretty much owns. I also have swim trunks with margaritas all over them. At one point I had some spandex trousers, but I don't know what happened to those. Do you think they'll ever be a race war in America? --hopefully. How do you feel about Canada? --they got some pretty fucking tough wood. Other than that, they are pretty pointless. Would you rather do 'it' with Whoopi Goldberg or Suzanne Somers? --Suzanne Somers, I fear Whoopi would queef far too much. What about Jennifer Lopez or Mariah Carey? -Jennifer Lopez, I think Mariah eats too much butter. Reese Witherspoon or Alicia Silverstone? --Now this is fucking easy, Alicia. Reese is pretty fucking bony faced. Do you like popcorn? --No, popcorn blows. What's your favorite type of Mexican food? --I really enjoy veggie burritos. What's your favorite type of shoe? --I am partial to airwalks, Why did they ever go out of style? How do you feel about money? --If I had more of it, I could afford a Vespa. Do you read books? If so, what type? --Last book: Black Like Me. I have all the Lizzie McGuire books, and the movie novelization. I am not a big reader though. Have you ever been in a fistfight? --I beat the shit out of red head when I was younger. He was the neighborhood retard (not literally), but he jumped on my brother's ankle and I laid down the law. Other than that, Colin fucking Tappe punched me in the jaw once. Do you ever get really mad? --Oh yeah, I will enclose a photo of my neck when I get really angry. It is really me, I took it with my low quality digital camera I bought for $20 of ebay ($30 after shipping). Do you like that TV show called Gilmore Girls? --I like Alexis Beidel. Do you have a favorite holiday? --National Meathat Day would rock, eh? What's your favorite song of all time? --Right now, I would have to say Final Solution from Pere Ubu, but that is a really hard question dude. If you could be anybody else in the world, without time constraints, who would you be? --David Hasselhoff, I bet that dude got mad bitches. What type of computer do you have? --AMD Athlon 1000mhz, I had an Indian (from India) build it to my specifications almost three years ago. Do you believe that RAM makes the machine? --No, the number of fans you have is most important. What type of processor do you run? -AMD Athlon 1000mhz, but I am looking into getting a new system, this time building it myself instead of paying some stupid fucking Indian. Dirtbags… Hard drive space? --40 gigs nigga Monitor size? --17" Do you think computers are dumb? --not really. Do you have a middle name? -- Allen Do you have siblings? --A brother who is 19. Where do you live? -- Escondido, CA How old are you? --18, What do you think of Charles Manson? --All talk and no go. But he looked kinda cool. What do you think of Integrity? --Its pretty Boss-ass. Do you like to sleep? --I really need to get more of it, but when I do sleep, it rules. Do you like bowling? --The day I turned 15 I got a job in a bowling center, I now work at another bowling center which isn't quite as manly as the first, but still pretty awesome. I am a big bowler, I waste a lot of my paycheck on bowling. I have traveled for tournaments across southern California, and even been to Vegas a couple times for bowling. To answer your question, I fucking hate bowling. If somebody presented you with a red button, and said that if you pressed it you would receive unlimited amounts of money as well as the promise of the end of human suffering, war and disease and a natural cap to over-population and the only consequence is that one of the earth's continents were to first be obliterated with each member of it's population to receive a slow and terrible death, as well as the possibility that it could be the continent that you are on, would you press it? --Yeah, as long as I don't die. Mr. Erdman, you always have to look out for number one… yourself.
Chris Panker's engourged neck.
Chris Panker's howling mug. |
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