Derek Erdman as H.W. Halleck & Erin Hosier as William Tecumseh Sherman in GONE WITH THE MIND:
Most Northerners
are curious about Waffle
House. Here is what the insides look like. The food here is kind of icky,
it will put pounds on you. (#s)
That's Erin Hosier.
She's kind of my hero. I went to college with her. She was in a band in college
called EstroJennifer Connelly or Brasserie-O.
This is Erin's
dog. Her name is Sadie. There are only 4 dogs like this on earth. She cost
$999,999,999,999,999,999.50.
This is Memphis,
TN. Elvis paid to have Egypt moved here in 1974, that's the Great Pyramid
of Giza! It is filled with fishing tackle, I guess.
That's Erin with
Jerry Schilling.
OH MY GOD THAT GUY RULEZ! We were in the Windham across from the Justin Timberlake
Coliseum.
This is the bathroom
at the Bill Eggleston/Cat Power bar. There were good hamburgers here! Bob
Mehr tells you how to get here from The Windham.
This is the picture
of Bill Eggleston at the Bill Eggleston/Cat Power bar.
This is Erin looking
at her magical compu-phone. Sadie was very sad from lack of affection, but
Erin could only reply, "I am texting". LOOK, ON THE TABLE, DRUGS.
This place is
called Grapesland. Elvis Parsley lived here. It is located at 5322 Cucumber
Avenue in Ham Sandwich, Tennessee.
This is the living
room of Elvis. Most everything is made of bacon and cheese corn. The couch
is cocaine, the curtains are mustard.
This is where
Elvis burned his lyric books. HE HATED EBAY! He said, "This stuff is
out of print! No reserve! L@@K!".
This is Elvis'
parent's room. They laid together and made him here, before they lived here.
Wait, I'm confused now.
BUT THEY DID DO IT. At least twice, because Elvis has a brother. And probably
another time because people have to practice.
This is the dining
room. It drives me bats when people spell dining as "dinning". Or
when they spell tomorrow as "tomarrow". I am so mad now!
This is the Elvis
kitchen. I will be dinning here tomarrow. We will eat bacon chocolate fish
donuts!
That's funny because Elvis ate crazy shit. I love life, I'm gonna live it
until the end.
You cannot touch
this stuff because it is on display. Elvis used these things to make death
drinks! He killed himself with a death drink.
I think he was sad because worldwide fame does not bring happiness, only weird
people to see the house where you used to live.
There is a live
shiny monkey on the table! It only eats Reese's
Limited Edition Elvis Cups.
This is the Jungle
Room. These guys are arguing about what record was recorded here. One of them
kept saying, "WHITE ALBUM" and the other kept saying "REVOLVER".
They were both right. Everybody
is happy now.
This is Elvis'
desk. He made phone calls and underlined books here. That's a comfortable
chair! I sat in it and called Dionne Warwick on the Psychic Hotline.
I asked her if the miners were dead. She sadly replied that they were. In
mourning, we ate banana hamburger ice cream cones.
This is Elvis'
cell phone! Erin used it to text James J. Williams. She asked, "Did the
show go well?" and he replied, "yes".
This is Elvis'
organ. On it he wrote the classic hits "Pachelbel's Canon In D"
and "Bruce Hornsby's The Way It Is".
The dog kept saying "GET MONEY! HUSTLE MONEY!" America is so cool,
it will take over your country and get all of your oil.
This is the rear
of Graceland. The air is double-conditioned here. Imagine that! Two
conditions!
This is Lisa Marie
Presley's swing set. She sold it for $9 to Sony last year. She's a Scientologist,
so like, whatevs.
This is the Elvis
press conference office. I'd love to write something about it but there are
rotten carrots on my hand. It's totally barfy.
More of the back
of Graceland. Look at all of the bars! People want to break in and take the
things! They want them for free!
Erin Hosier is
texting the plans of the Graceland Break-In 2008. James J. Williams will break
in and steal the things! I want some of the things.
Elvis played this
piano and then died! It is like the white stallion. Brown leather ottomans
FOR EVERYBODY! Even a stuffed animal! People are dying in Mogadishu.
While I was here
I kept thinking, "The cast of Spinal Tap was here". Graceland is
so cool. I am going to Carpetbag and live here, I AM SMART!
This is the Taco/Cheese/Beef
airplane.
Hey look! Bob
Mehr is eating Kudzu at The Beauty Shop Restaurant. Erin is like, "OH
BARF, YOU ARE EATING THAT? I WILL TEXT SOMEBODY ABOUT IT."
WHOA! Waffle/Huddle
house amalgam! They are now serving Meatloaf, he was so mad that he was not
getting served before! He was like, "LET ME SLEEP
ON IT, BABY, BABY, LET ME SLEEP ON IT!". Also, they are now serving Visas
(immigrants) and Masters (PGA PROS). I ate eggs over-easy, because I am easy.
These are peanuts
of the boiled variety. I kept telling everybody how much I liked them, but
really I don't.
Sadie dug shallow
and came up with a femur. It was near a grave marked "Bubba". Who
is just called "Bubba"?
This is a grave
marked "Bubba"! There are 999,999,999,999,999 just like it. Bubba
is a lazy way to say "Bubble".
HI! We are in
Charleston now. Sherman burned this land! He was in the Ice Cream wars with
General Custard.
This is Erin
& Amy Hughes. She makes a marvelous home. She's not on MySpace, so don't
even bother.
Amy, I am so sorry that I used your Tom's Of Maine toothpaste without asking.
It's tasty and expensive.
This is Amy &
Si's street. It's majestic. There are gators here! You can ride them to Pony
Island. EVERYTHING MAGICAL.
Here are trees.
Here are trees
also.
This is Silas
Davenport. He commands this boat as well as every other boat in the Atlantic.
We talked about which Gilligan's Island ranks we were.
I was Mary-Anne. Earlier I jumped into the boat in haste thinking the anchor
rope was a octopus-shark. Everybody laughed at me,
I made dolls of them, I am getting the pins.
Here is Erin about
to point at dolphins, they were everywhere! She caught them with her imagination
and cooked Mahi-Mahi in her brain.
I did not eat it, I am imaginary vegan.
Amy & Si got
in huge fight over an oar! There are married and so happy, so it worked out,
but not without yelling.
OH WOW! ANGEL
OAK! It's the oldest tree EVER. Ok, no. I asked Erin to marry me here, she
said, "EWWW, GET AWAY".
Aids/Kicklighter.
Sadie said, "Ok,
I am tired, it is time to go home now". So, we drove home.
BUT BEFORE THAT
ERIN ATE FLAVORED POTATO BITS. All of them, really quickly.