THERE IS ANOTHER ARCHIVE, IT IS HERE.

12.12.06 Two new books: Irritating Corpse & Some Women's Products, also the hand on my wall & a wonderful GG Allin radio promo that includes his telephone number! Call it! He's dead!

12.11.06 Oh, it is so true that I did indeed have an age-related freak-out. But who would have thought that everybody would BUY that I cancelled a party? Word got around that it was actually cancelled, so it turned out to be me and some teenagers drinking beer all night. There was indeed a lobster dilemma but I DO have to thank all of the people that gave me nice gifts of markers and cheese & stuff. I'd thank people by name but some would are embarrassed by that type of thing. I've been selling a lot of records on eBay and as I pack them I search for the buyers on MySpace - sometimes I win! Other than that, I have nothing to tell the internet, though you can look at pictures of my Christmas tree, a bird, Keats & Hannah ready to box. Oh, go ahead and listen to all of my voicemails for the past week! Here's some piano music! Nobody is going to buy my Conky painting, but you can at least watch this Conky video clip, Brian McConky.

12.04.06 Man, December! It rules! Jim Noodleberry wrangled us VIP tickets to ROCK4KIDS auction and we ate plates of good tasting food with our fingers. Later I bid $1000 on a Guns & Roses guitar, for kicks, just so I could tell you about it! Also, I will tell you about STAIRWAY TO STARDOM (thanks Nick). Holy oh my god. It was an 80s NYC public access Star Search rip-off. Highlights are "Crack Head", "You May Be Right", "Good Ship Lollipop", & THE ETERNAL PRECIOUS TAFT. It looks like all of them were posted by the untouchable Jennifer Sharpe, who was the one that got me into making websites in the first place. Plus you can look at "Bad Burgler" & "Meth Users Freeze To Death". Dude, remember that time Julia wrote me in 2001 pretending to be another girl to see if I'd try to hump her? Oh that was a riot! Otherwise there are some new things in the paintings & illustrations sections, if you're into that. It's my birthday and I'm going ice skating.

11.29.06 To whomever send birthday wig & mask: THANKS A LOT. If you like music from Cleveland, you'll love: MIRRORS vs ELECTRIC EELS. Clay Silva said: OH MY GOD NYHC ON DONAHUE 1986! Other things include: Charlotte Pressler's Those Were Different Times, Dave Thomas talks about RFTT, Sally Crewe's phone on a phone. Buy things on eBay, yeesh.

11.27.06 How can Thanksgiving not be the best holiday? Aside from the cooking and cleaning, the eating is the best thing to do all day (and all of the time). In time for Christmas, I'd like to have somebody invent a tray-stomach that I can remove and pour out eaten food so I can eat more. I had an adequately pleasant Thanksgiving with nice people that did the cooking for me in a private restaurant that didn't charge money. There were all types of people there: smelly, nto smelly, bearded, not bearded, grumpy, arty, quiet, loud & more. I swept & washed counters as my self-appointed chores. There was Chuck French & A Child and A Beast On A Beast, later a fire & Newberry taught me how to use my macro lens. I don't remember a thing that happened on Friday-day, though I'm sure it involved lazing which I'm good at lately. There was a music-party at my house at night with PMFS & Beaten Awake. House guests are fun and awful. Some of them are smelly & drink your beer and eat your food and don't say thanks or clean up after themselves, or at least bring their own beer or food ever. Some of them do and are extra careful to not over-step bounds. I hate having to clean the bathroom after a half-dozen showers & I try not to even enter while the steam-gross is still in there. Everbody left the next morning and I slept for most of that day, which was Saturday. I watched Con Air & Murder At 1600 on TV and PMFS came back at 5am to sleep again. I was asleep at this time but I suspect some people looked at me. Sunday I went to the skatepark on Wilson with Jusin Vick & made exactly 7 runs which included approximately 28 back-side grinds (1 2). I studied little girls, this is called "Thanks A Lot, Dad" & there's a bird in my house. Hannah came over and I made stuff (1 2 3 4), I suspect if you missed the Slits show you will enjoy these semi-rare MP3 sides: Bootleg Discography & Typical Girls Won't Pay more than $8, So Why Should You? Via wow-wow-wow-wow: Walter Vaughan on the bike, people drunk in the park, and really nice other photos. Via me: "Hey Kramer", "L'il Cobain", "Aladin".

11/20/06: Scenes from rooms: paper & plastic, man in the basement, 300 feet away, Jan Terri is the speaker of the house (in Germany), where it's hot, no CT tragedy (monsters), Maria P blocks & soup, not outside, 4 Hannie, I go in here, they shot them, "don't worry, it's clean".

11/17/06: You might not believe it, but I had an idyllic childhood. I recently came across a conversation on tape between my mother & I when I was 3. I turned it into an MP3 so you can get an idea of how things were at Casa De Erdman. HOLY SHIT PATTY IS GOING TO KILL ME WHEN SHE HEARS THAT. Great father Fritz Swanson notes: "I set Oscar in his crib to find a pair of pants in the other room, and when I came back he had pulled himself up and was standing all by himself. Then he turned around and admired his collection of Derek Erdman paintings. And then he was all like, 'That bird/cat thing is freaky.'" Here is new eBay auction: I WILL WAIT, plus look: more records. The best songs are from 1983. They are from a band called MANISCH DEPRESSIV from Switzerland. YOU WILL LISTEN TO THEM. Shara & Lisa Loeb, MLK & James Earl Ray, I just finished a 36 hours Zyprexa zombie, I am now ready to fly.

11/12/2006: Otherwise, OH MAGIC MAN! There was a very nice lobster battle to start off what became for me the greatest weekend of my life. You see, I could eat forever and when there is food everywhere, it's much easier. Here's a tip: you can get hollandaise from Toast and simply make eggs benedict/florentine right at home. Last night I finally met the very old man in spinach fields. I will try not to leave the house anymore, ok? Robert Adams & Jen Reel fed me meat & non-meat respectively, yes thanks! There are wonderful Angry Samoans / VOM things on the YouTube: 1 2 & Rush: 1 2 & a teenager. New Reporter Will Cover Music Scene, buy some Beatles records, ok? I designed a t-shirt for The Effigies, this is what it will look like.

11/09/2006: Everybody's best and only friend. Hey, I used to talk to this guy at a record store I used to work at. He seemed ok. I hope he's better now.

11/07/2006: Here's some advice: it's not a terribly good idea to fake-threaten people with lawsuits if it's possible that said people came to the same conclusion with an image the same way that you did. You can't put salt on rice and then get excited when somebody else does it. Otherwise sweet dudes will write about it, other dudes will find out, and then somebody gets called a baffoon! Before that I drove Helen Stickler from the Chicago Diner to a hotel. Then I discovered that my new neighbor and the band she's in ARE SO FUCKING ON TO SOMETHING. Also: ILLUMINATI SHERIFF DOES CONTROL THE BANKS. Don't be dumb, you knew that.

11/09/2006: They walked & it got sad, so they buried it and then dug it up.

11/06/2006: If you like computers & The Young Ones, you'll love this "VERY META" painted patch. Send address and it's yours. BLACK SABBATH RIOT: "The stage is not a trash can...you've thrown something for the last time and hit Geezer on the head...", "BLACK SABBATH DO NOT APPRECIATE BEING HIT BY FLYING OBJECTS!", "1776 was a long while ago!", "What do you think of this shit? - I think mongoloids rule man!", "MAN, IT'S FUCKING A RIOT!", "BLUE OYSTER CULT!", "We had good fucking seats, too!".

11/02/2006: "One Lousy Competition: Derek Erdman Sings Leonard Cohen" CD is a limited edition of 3. I'm giving them away to the first 3 people to send an email with their address (CDs are all gone: thanks George, Ryan & Todd). It seems that MySpace, Chili's or a band called, ahem, "Red Suit Space Jump Apparatus" has stolen one of my cat heads for a show poster. Question is, who do I sue? If Chili's, how many Awesome Blossoms can I eat in a 1 year span? (Thanks Liz). I took a Steak & Shake plate, if you're interested in buying some of the B-section of my rock record collection, go right ahead. There's new stuff here & Stan Wood's 3-D Pacman Swastika With Grateful Dead Bears is looking JUST OK.

10/29/2006: I did indeed drive the car all over the place. I did decide at least to scan the animal crackers. I'm sorry that I could not tell you that I was leaving, I was very afraid of burglers. There are books in Ohio, look at what they say. "I don't want kids", look: hacked line rider! If you are a member of Erdflix, here is the catalog. If you are not, please ignore that. UPDATE IS BACK: basement etchings: 1 2 3 4, Julia got a 176 on her LSAT - steak dinners for EVERYBODY! When you own Horror Business on black vinyl and have the beginnings of a Castro beard, you must be doing something right.

10/20/2006: Listen, I'm worried about Bill. I know I shouldn't be as I don't really know him. I didn't know the guy I almost hit with my car last night either, but I'm worried about him too. He slapped my car and yelled some stuff after I almost hit him, so technically we're square in the Exodus sense. I WAS SO GRUMPY YESTERDAY! Man, I just yelled and yelled. Earlier I painted some stuff and talked on the phone. I found an answering machine in the garbage and decided to get rid of my voicemail. I'm frugal now & also screen my calls. I turn all of the phone ringers off and the volume on the answering machine up so every now and again somebody just starts talking. Do you like to bet? You can bet that the Cardinals will win the world series. This is a fact that I can assure you about about. I will even back up your bets if you lose. But you won't. I'm going to miss Bob Mehr. In the short time I've known him I've burned so many of his DVDs. Now he will get new DVDs and CDs in Memphis and I will not have access to them. WHAT TO DO? Goodbye Bob, thanks for all of the sweet hangs. I found the KING OF MYSPACE, he was under the couch the whole time: fake name generator.

10/17/2006: The man I was two weeks ago was a tyrant & was in chains. I've been looking at (a/the) computer screen for 968 hours during the last week, fixing up art-sale website. There was a birthday dinner for Hannah "Wild Hannie" Woodroofe here that included 15 people, corn eating champion, candles and a turkey that I picked up, met, pet, paid for and carried home warm. Do they have machines that yank feathers out? I dunno. That place sure was smelly! PLEASE COME TO FALL NIGHT TONIGHT. I told the guy at Danny's that it would be "packed". Perhaps I should have said "guaranteed ghostly". On a related note I buried a bird with Jen "great arguer" Reel. I don't have anything else for you, I'm sorry. I've been looking at picture files and then smaller or bigger picture files. You understand though, we are friends on the internet. Have a look: Georgie/GoodWood/Mew-er COMBO. We did charades, it went: big pants, arm chop: TALKING HEADS. Very fun and lonely, my thought brain is in outer space, I sleep weird and eat bad. Lately exercise = "writing".

10/09/2006: I use parties, which means to me that I have them for a reason. I guess that reason is to meet a number of people in the comfort of my own home. Oh, it's so true: I like to meet people. It's a real question to weigh whether it's worth a mountain of mess and cretins going through your cupboards to meet a guy from Philadelphia in a Scarface t-shirt. A guy that would say something like, "you shouldn't have all of these things around, somebody is going to take them" while also stating that he had never been east of Pennsylvania. I did indeed make this man a hotdog with celery salt and tomatoes and we became friends. He told me about his job printing phone books and I told why I like downers so much and why Chicago is such a nice place to live. There's no way I would have bothered to talk to this person otherwise, though he was sitting so close to my CDs. There was a time when Hannah and I were working at HPR and a man came in and said, "I just had all of my CDs stolen, now I know what it's like a woman has been raped". HOLY SHIT! I've had things stolen from me in the past, tapes, bikes, car stereos. I remember having to move the seat forward after getting into my car for the first time after it had been broken into. When I get drunk, I talk. A LOT. So at parties, nervous that somebody is going to take something, or is planning to come back at a later date to take EVERYTHING, I get to drinking. Eventually I'm talking, usually in circles to some dudes about the best Wu-Tang solo record which I really know very little about. But I pretend I do and then talk about shoes and art and money, all the while thinking about string and cats and popcorn. Making for very good conversation, indeed. So at the end of the night I'm left with a swamp of dirt water, cans, cups and cigarette ends and a list of dumb things I said. I was thinking earlier that I had lost faith in people and that perhaps it was time to become selfish. Then I switched to thinking that I had lost faith in living and that I'm really tired of everything having a catch. Then I got to thinking, man, I'm going to have one bitchin' New Year's Eve party with 5 kegs and 7 bands.

If you took one of the following things from my party (or know somebody who did) can you please give them back: Superchunk mug, 2 plain ceramic bowls, cat painting, "Steel Curtain" drawing. Also, if you're the person who brought back the Alva skateboard deck after somebody took it, I'd like to say THANKS, a lot. Here's an Abe Lincoln painting. It's 9'x5' and costs $200. I'd buy it if I were you, it's going to go quick. EAT IT GEORGE. "Sniffing glue, drinking cough syrup and listening to Bill Haley records" - WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO BE A SIMON CITY ROYAL? I am hosting Fall Night at Danny's, you will come?

10/01/2006: Interesting young girls with dead animals: #1 #2 #3 #4. Have you been to Canada? There are so many good things to eat there. I only met 5 people while I was there, one of them was called Joanna. They have chips that taste like ketchup! OK, I stayed at people's houses and was very careful to clean up after myself, I'm a good guest I guess. I watched some things on cable TV (Urban Angel, Littlest Hobo) and slept A LOT. Here are photos: house, mountain, apartment, lake, ground, city, boat, store, magik man, house. Here are videos, they are long and probably not worth the effort: boating, boating, road, road, road, road, road, road, road, road, road. Thanks a lot Claire and Tiffany and Matt F, I am glad to be home. I listened to some AM radio, it's very pleasant. OH, I haven't been busy: "ram-buffalo", "ducker", "dwell", "lid-lag", "rae". Please help me own these things: #1 #2 #3. "Up for bids is very rare ADDAX shoulder mount this is a very very large set of horns on this one." "You dont fined a big one like this everyday." "I'm getting too tired to take care of myself" - Julia Rickert 2006, HANNAH WOODROOFE IS LOST AMONST THE PAPERS, PLEASE COME BACK. WILD HANNIE CANNOT BE TAMED BY TEXT. Happy birthday NAT!

9/21/2006: MOM: I took your AIM toothpaste on accident, very sorry. Also, I told you that I wanted the pay-per-view code on your TV to watch the "Pamela Anderson Celebrity Roast" but I really watched a movie called "Sexy Amateurs #15". Sorry about that. I WENT TO OHIO, HEY: shoes, gramma, animals+food+people, refrigerator, cow video. Beaten Awake = good dudes. My new website = joannanewsomwasinmyhouse.com. GIANT PAUL TEMPEST RELIGIOUS HEAVY METAL MP3: "Pastor Brothers". For the first time in 2 years, NEW INTERVIEW (Lacey "& Cagney" Swain). JOE WORBS AND I WENT TO A BASEBALL GAME AND ALL YOU GET ARE THESE CRUMMY PHOTOS. If you're going to be in Hamilton or Montreal in the next week, let me know. I'll buy the Molson. Otherwise awesome shit: blog of girl I went to jr. high with, MANNEQUINS, Inspirational Female Masks, If you like Van Dyke Parks' "Discover America" then you'll like the record THAT HE STOLE IT ALL FROM, Wesley Willis art site, Maria "Nouvelle Sympathy" Perkovic, OH MY GOD CLEVELAND HARDCORE PICS FROM THE 80s JOHN PICHE IS MY HERO. Happy birthday Jamie Drier. Let's never surrender, ok?

9/11/2006: Oh, so rainy this weekend. So sad. Nine Eleven, so sad. Elizabeth Cotten, live in Portland. Not to mention: T&G Festival (so wonderful, many tough band t-shirts!). If you need an idea of the crowd in attendance, LOOK NO FURTHER. Otherwise, OH MY GOD (never forget): Negative Approach #1 #2, Killdozer #1, Big Black #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7, (Dom from Sloth behind the fence next to the blue bathrooms). This is courtesy Paul Tempest, thank him for it, not me. Apple, Commodore 64, TRS-80, Jim Newberry demands that the internet is made of tubes. THE JONESTOWN DEATH TAPE is the last 40 minutes before the Kool-Aide was downed and is a MUST LISTEN. I also endorse: MyDeathSpace, NMUDXM, Random Personal Picture Finder, Little Horses (hey Lacey!), HEY HEY HEY. If I spell stuff wrong, please tell me. SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME THE NAME OF THE GIRL IN THIS PICTURE.

9/03/06: PLEASE NOTE: I am no longer a part of Hyde Park Records. I have sold my interest to benefit charity and pursue long distance walking. You may still go there and purchase Luther Vandross CDs, of course. I just won't be ringing you up. My first out of work endeavour was putting a giant John Mark Karr / JonBenet Ramsey painting on eBay AND BOY ARE SOME PEOPLE MAD! Here are some nice pictures to look at and if you kind of like This Heat then you'll kind of like this This Heat live show from 1980. If you happen to find yourself in Franklin, Michigan on Labor Day, stop at the Franklin's Art In The Village. Jason Polan and I will show you how to put on weight by eating sausage sandwiches. Oh, Kissinger. I'm going to be driving around North America for the next two months. If you live in Vancouver, Montreal, Seattle, SF, Mexico City, Austin or Atlanta Georgia, call or email to PUT (UP WITH) ME (.)UP.

 

8/17/06: "I have made a cake like that one in my own home once or twice."

8/27/06: I'm really sorry that I haven't been talking to the internet lately. In excuse, of course: one being the death of a loved one and the other lack of sleep, etc. I was able to root through some garbage cans 10 minutes ago and my hands came up all smelly. Here's the tape museum, some medical photos, OH MY GOD KID-CRUNKIN' VIDEOS: 1 2 + "Child VS Colonel" (my favorite!). "Colonel Tells The Secret" #2, cats, colonel, kid, child, kid #2, Dancing Outlaw #2, Lil' Dave asks: "Thax Douglas - Classic Or Dud?". I spent 7 hours mopping tonight. Art show in Mollie Edgar's living room(s) was pretty good. I have so much more to tell you but I can't and won't. But I'll talk to you again on Friday. THAT'S THE DAY OF DAYS. Oh, cat talking video.

8/10/06: I was on a plane from Los Angeles to Chicago three days ago. I was wearing moccasins FOR COMFORT and sat in the first row as I was flying Southwest and checked in late and got a good-crummy middle seat. I didn't pee for the whole trip but drank a lot of orange juice and water. 3 hours in I decided it was time and waited in line and finally got into the bathroom. While peeing I noticed how neat my eyes looked in the close mirror. I opened them very wide to watch my pupil change size. I thought to myself that I have very nice eyes and it would be a good idea to keep them opened wider most of the time. JUST THEN MY FOOT BECAME WET. I had been peeing on the floor for 15-20 seconds and it mostly filled the entire floor of the bathroom (which was like a tray). I panicked, sopping most of it up with cheap & thin paper towers. Listen, there's no way I cleaned that bathroom very well. And you know when you go into a bathroom and it's covered in pee and you wonder what type of beast could do such a thing? Hey, that's me! The events that led up to this in reverse order: ate Denny's with Sven next to the LA County Jail, watched The Firm, saw the Labianca House, ate RFD, saw the Tate House, saw the Watts Towers, ate at Millie's, woke up with a hangover, slept, ate Farmer Boys, saw Sven with a bloody head, watched Bill Parkinson barf all over a fence, sold some paintings to people that were nice but might have been robots, bought wine & beer, poured an entire Coke in my lap while eating at conveyor-belt sushi restaurant, woke up feeling good, slept, talked to Ed, Sven & Meriko about early-mid 90s indie-rock, went to scary bar, went to cafe with hot lamps, went to Elizabeth's house, watched Ed hang art, shaved & showered at Treehouse, hung art, woke up hungover, slept well, drank beer with Elizabeth, Ed & Sven, got picked up from LAX by Sven. I can't believe that you just read all of that. Please look at this video from the train on the way there, I CALL IT FUNNY FACE! Here is also me BROOMIN'. Also, here's some stuff from the Pitchfork Festival the week before. HEY: COWBOY COLLECTIVE ART WAR Saturday August 12th 8pm & stuff (address here). Drawings from Elliot: #1 #2, Harry Singh, I miss Hannie.

8/03/06: Oh, Phil C: thank you SO VERY much. I don't know what I'd be able to do with the next 20 hours without dog tranquilizers & mystery pill. When I get back from space-case-place I'm taking you out for a mildly expensive dinner. Oh, I'll have a whole lot of things to say about the wonderful Pitchfork Festival in a few days such as: "chewing guy video", "flies on corn video", "this guy" & "this guy", "old disgust-o toilets", "hello!". "ERDMAN & DEREK". Hey: Black Bear Combo @ Beauty Shop, please go to Unitard on Saturday to say hello, yes we're friends, oh so nice.

7/28/06: Colin Tappe explains the Middle East conflict as:
Colin Tappe (3:56:30 AM): "hey cop, I just had my car stolen"
Colin Tappe (3:56:45 AM): "dude, that sucks, uh, here's a years worth of free burritos at Chipotle"
Colin Tappe (3:56:51 AM): "well, I guess that helps?"
He also sent along THE GOOD LOOKING LADIES OF THE ISRAEL DEFENSE FORCE. Thanks for looking at my website.

7/24/06: What happened? Really, I mean it! Ok, there's a Fat Hitler & Pile Of Volkswagens on eBay AS WE SPEAK. Half-Man & Half Window, here's some stuff going OOT: "Susan Atkins W/ Imaginary Ocelot", "Reagans & Panthers", "Animals in Meadows, City", "Double Brother Dave Gardner (The Interpreter)", "Panthers, Reagans, Squirrels", "Reagan With Ed Smalling Button", "Cones". I call this "The Ant Hill". OH, THIS SO FAMILIAR. Hey, "My Record Collection", (some guy in Vans & "Blue Note Record Collection", NEW JIM NEWBERRY PICTURE DU JOUR. Pitchfork this weekend, I'm-a on the tuss.

7/17/06: HEY fat Hitlers, poem-club & anyone part of the Eagle River/Land O' Lakes "shack pack", listen: DDIAL party pictures, oh! Sartre by Polan, Sorry Soren, camping camping & cramping. Oh, hello GREAT DARYL NATHAN! What are you doing here? Me too! So depressed, yes. Me too! Have you had the new Fiery Habanero Doritos? THEY'RE GOOD! Hey Bob, thanks for ruining my afternoon.

7/11/06: Man, 4th of July! What a doozy! I totally had a nervous/freak-out and then got hit with a firework and my leg turned purple. Harper-Collins called today about using an "image" for a book cover and then noted that I DIDN'T SOUND VERY ENTHUSIASTIC! Dude, I was totally sleeping! Holy Shit, when I'm bummed out I usually just watch this fake Manson pilot TV show, IT'S THE BEST, ZED SMITH WILL LOVE IT! He says, "I've got the eye of the tiger and I don't know who to kill first"! I'm like, YEAH, I KNOW. Ok: "American Dicks & Tits", "Black & White Sluggo (eBay revolution)", "Double Computers", "Hot Dogz", "House", "KKKK", "Women On Ice Cream Cones". MISC Nick Calingaert pictures: WORM TUBE, PIZZA TIME. Putin be kissin' all up on a kid's belly. Ed Jerking's phone trick is the best phone trick ever including all tricks involving the phone and otherwise. CLOCK AND RAZOR LADY VIDEOS: #1 & #2. Sorry I haven't updated, I'VE BEEN SO MAD!

7/03/06: WELL! I received an email from Gidget Gein yesterday, he said that he "really digs my stuff". It took me a few seconds to put together that he was a part of the lunchbox carrying goth-o teen icon band Marilyn Manson and to that I slow grilled some chicken wings for me, Hannah W, and Jim Newble-berry. But what I was wondering, why doesn't anybody write me and tell me that I'm a total fraud? Really what I do is work at a record store and trace clip-art, and I'm 32! People should really just write and say, MAN, YOU'RE A TOTAL DING-DONG! GET A JOB AT THE BANK! It'd do me some good. Oh, people did! And it's here! Update: Hey, Dead Milkmen stuff! (wink, wink).

6/26/06: Man, have some stunningly serious revelations happened up around these parts. Unless somebody says otherwise, I've decided to give my car to a person named Doris Gardner. She was the first to respond and out of 50 applicants seemed the best suited. But look, INTERNET: YouTube = "Wasted Youth - 12 Hours In A Small Town" (totally fake) & "Bas Rutten" ("I'm sorry, no I'm not", MYSPACE HACKED BY BOBBY, giant picture of "THE COLONEL", giant picture of "WALTER SO SAD". I've been working so hard to make paintings of "all-dressed" hot dogs and fat Hitlers for Ed Smalling SUPER "ART" art show at Unitard on August 5th that I've hardly had time to do much else other than OMG INTERNET BLOGGING. Ed#1, Ed#2, Strictly For My Ninjas, "See you guys later, well I mean, hang out if you want". As they say in Italy, "THAT'S ONE-A COOLA RANDY RHODES T-SHIRT-A (cat food)". For dorky Fall fans only: MES's letters to Tony Friel (awesome).

6/17/06: HEY LOOK: I'M GIVING AWAY A CAR! Some recent pictures: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 . Asians for peace: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8. NO ,SERIOUSLY, I'M GIVING AWAY A CAR.

6/13/06: Oh, rummage went very well, what-with the conversion of my junk to other people's junk. Later I went to hot dog party which was gross but did not prove to be "barfy". OK! Please see = NEW-WOODROOFE & Elijah Muhammad (which is $40!), plus things that are on the internet (thanks to NICK C): Buffie The Body, lonely self-sex haver. Now, the last link is internet-old, but I spent many of my formative years in Berea, Ohio, and I think I might even know said person. Regardless, I will in fact, "BRING MY WAR TO YOU". Which means, in fact, PIZZA. Oh, man! I went to Milwaukee! It was very nice there, what-with the buildings and things. Then I left. Where's Andy Moskowitz? Does anybody know? PS. Oh, I gave my MySpace password away, but mostly somebody just posted Kool Keith lyrics to other people's profiles. IT RULED AND SUCKED. UPDATE: If you're normal and don't hang out on online communities, you probably haven't noticed the CONTORTO LIPS going on with teenaged girls today. HOLY MOLY GOOD GOD MACARONI: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14. And THIS! Like, barf or masturbate! Or both, neither, etc.

6/08/06: This week I have spent most of my time not doing a thing, I mean, I did eat a significant amount. I'm so excited for the yardsale this weekend, which you can and should come to. Paul Tempest sent along a cryptic sound file with the typed out dialogue: "Paul, Mazzey - You're not going to believe this, soon as I pulled out of the god damn parking lot, fuckin' truck, hit a rock, coming from over there, hit and busted my fuckin' windshield!". Ed Jerking asked "HAVE YOU SEEN DEAD OR ALIVE INFO?". Sorry I got so dull, my life is filled with joy.

5/30/06: Man, I've been pert-near losing it. Ok, tonight I shaved most of my "parts", and gave myself a good haircut as the heat has been driving me mostly bonkers. Aside from flossin' & combin' (and pictures of thinkin' & laughin') I've been putting stuff on eBay EN MASSE. Tonight I'm going to be in the Jim Newberry religious comedy satire show at the Empty Bottle at 9pm. I press some buttons and read some stuff. Here are some truck photos and some really good Beastie Boys videos from YouTube: 1 2 3 4 5. Last week I spent most of the day at home reading about executions in the USA and listening to my new favorite band THE BETTYS (great MP3s: #1 #2 - OMG I burned these tracks onto a CD and I play them in my new car, it's a station wagon, HOLY S Beautiful Parade on piano!) which lead me J'Accuse, another Kent, Ohio group. Here go some truck photos AGAIN, DOG PUKING GIF, PAUL TEMPEST DEMANDS "Tell your friends to stop looking for Charlie Brown, he is not for real" and sends wonderful Old Towne Trail notice. Where is Amy Rasic ("rolfing")? I'm back on the tuss. It looks to me that Thax Douglas might be ok after all. YARD SALE JUNE 10TH OK!

5/19/06: If you had noticed, I was attempting to put one piece of "art" (term used loosely) on eBay every day of 2006. I've stopped. After what can be called a slight nervous breakdown I've decided that it was more taxing than any good that could have come from it. I went ahead and started a MySpace profile, (user name: derekerdmanATyahoo.com/password: apple1) I no longer update it, other people do. Julia forwarded to me some long-winded religious emails from a girl that she went to Russia with, BOY ARE THEY GREAT. If you're ever feeling down, there's always Heather's Hair. Thanks RHP, I'm glad you're home. The YouTube link below has been removed, it was a dog humping another dog and then throwing up. 200LBU.

5/17/06: "The Dog Co-Starring Of Pleasure And Unpleasantness". Thanks Kev.

5/08/06: If you like Black Flag like I do and went to Kent State like I did then you'll love this page of Black Flag MP3s live from KSU in 1984. Plus here's some great pictures: "That's Ray's Records In Here", "Sports/Music Dudes In Blue", video: WALTER VAUGHAN WRITES HIS NAME. Paul "The Beast" Tempest sent along: "Strongsville Red Hot Chili Peppers Lovin Artchicks Class Of '91" & "Haircuts". Some other stuff = Allison's Travels, Slip It In, Survivors Of Suicide, SUCKS RULES TOTALLY RULES, SUCKS. Exclusive interview with Average Homeboy, I'm so depressed. All "label industries" &" label companies" aside, J&H Productions will give you a picture on a piece of paper for a percentage of the gate (either inside or outside) to give shows together in these places. (thanks CTSB). UPDATE: Are you Travis Butcher? You sent me some money but didn't tell me what it was for. Remember that party I had? Here's some stuff left-over from it: winter-style coat (has parking ticket in the pocket from N. Sawyer), bike helmet, notes & things. THE SPIRIT OF TRUTH "THE O.G. POST": holy shit, Colin Tappe, I owe you my life.

5/03/06: WASSSSUP, DOG! Santa Claus Is A Black Man.

4/21/06: I added more pictures to the page of pictures. LOOK: LADY PUNCH video, whoa. Thanks to Nick Calingaert, you'll "be blazed" when you watch this Youtube video from the Average Homeboy. Hopefully you can help me get my big record contract.

4/18/06: Here's some party pix, Vlad page, PD video via Kevin Todora, 1985 BMX photos, I'd like this book if you can buy it for me, GOT ONE, ok.

4/13/06 Here's some good pictures. They are from YESTERYEAR.

I'm having a party on Saturday April 15th at 9pm. I'm hoping that you will come. There are a few reasons for it, if you want the short & long of it, here it is:

Double kegger art party, DJ Common Factor, lots of people, "fun".

Here's the long & long of it:

100 Paintings For Russian

Saturday April 15th 9pm-4am
Newberry/Erdman
Photo Art Mart / 2068 N. Leavitt

Featured Artists:
Derek Erdman
Aline Cautis
Hannah Woodroofe
Jim Newberry

Music by: Common Factor

Derek Erdman: Finally moves from bustling/strangled Pilsen to the ancient/fake-yup Bucktown to unveil art wonderland in a converted bakery owned by curious realtor Robert Friedlander (once featured in Untouchables movie featuring K. Costner, the house not the person) which is mainly 3,500 square feet of converted bakery to make (at least soon) an endless amount of drawings/paintings for sale. This particular show is a benefit for a Russian man in desperate need of a new liver. 100 paintings (well, silk-screens on painted circles) are for sale at the price of $15 each (all money for these sold go to the RED person) and other paintings, drawings; INCLUDING:

Aline Cautis draws rock/stones, in quarries, riverbeds, REGARDLESS, she draws them well. Unfortunately I can only provide you with slight evidence (http://www.contemporaryartworkshop.org/artists/cautis/GE_med.jpg). The rumor is that she's making Rodney Dangerfield collages & indeed "rocks". She sounded excited.

Hannah Woodroofe doesn't like what she makes (http://www.wow-wow-wow-wow.com). She doesn't want to look at it anymore, so it's for sale. It's wild life made from mostly found art supplies, waxy crayons, things that stand out like they shouldn't. I can't tell if this is the first time or last time that she'll be making/showing art, but I'm certainly happy that she's doing it.

Plenty of people know Jim Newberry. Reader readers, band members, internet searchers. This particular night will find him showing portraits &/or other photos for sale at affordable prices. Or just for looking, you know, FOR FREE. Digital WWW version = http://www.newberryphotography.com

DJ Common Factor makes music and people fly him all over the world to play in dark dance clubs at 3am while sweaty people dance themselves to coma. This night will find him playing whatever he wants which you'll want as well. Hey, website: http://commonfactor.net/

I'm excited as this is the first party at my new house, and the floors are pretty uneven and weak in spots. There was a heavy post in my old house that used to fall on people when the house was full. Perhaps the floor will collapse here. One of the staircases is extra ricket-y. Of course this would actually be a tragedy, but you know...whatever.

Unfortunately Jason Polan will not attend, and Bob Peck has to do something with his girlfriend.

04.11.06: Ok, mainly I spent the last 199 hours thinking about cutting off human hands and then eating them, peeling the skin like sunburn into then my mouth WITH A SAUCE - ok, no. Colin Tappe is a genius. Thanks a lot. eBay ended the CM art auction, Craig hated my prank.

04.10.06: Art/record express weekend examples: "Baby Demon (feeding)", I balanced them, I'M CRUSHING THEIR HEADS, I finished 100 paintings, DANCING MOTHER MARY. Hello, my name is Chess Hubbard, it's nice to meat you.

04.07.06: Raging art double-kegger Russian liver benefit: SATURDAY APRIL 15TH 9PM. Flyers in the PDF format #1 #2 #3, @ The Newberry/Erdman Photo-Art Mart: 2068 N. Leavitt. Shown art by Aline Cautis & Hannah Woodroofe, Derek Erdman with photos by Jim Newberry & music by Common Factor. Thanks for coming, it's the day before Easter.

04.01.06: I had a terrible headache yesterday from all day customer kooks so I came home and ate codeine and then the ALARM company called about HPR being robbed, but driving there only revealed the wind had opened the door everybody forgot to lock. The policewomen were very friendly and attractive, one of which named after potatoes. Then I stayed up all night and drinking wine and painting things to take to BLOODY HEART BAKERY, there are some fake John Gacy's there now. There was a person there named Nicole who was very nice and knew who John Gacy was SO I FELT SO DUMB. They didn't have free pizza but Hannah had a $25 gift certificate to Alliance Bakery so we went there to get free food and I got into a giant argument with the people there regarding their sign that read: "we will help you when you are not talking on your cell phone" which is plenty fine BUT YOU CAN'T TEACH PEOPLE MANNERS. Later I ate some quiche from there and felt "pukey". Then we posted a fake Craigslist ad regarding a jilted girlfriend throwing away her boyfriend's things (good, expensive things) in the alley behind her house (which is really my house) and we watched people show up for the next 3 hours IN DROVES. Really, there were well over 100. This would normally be seen as a MEAN trick, but since it's April 1st, it's FUNNY. Then we went to an "art party" which was really a pizza party with art AND SOME GIRL TOLD ME MY SHOES WERE WEIRD. She was of course right and they cost $100. Then we left and now I want to go to sleep. WE'RE GOING TO 420 AND WATCH A MOVIE I CAN'T WAIT. Clocks back tonight. WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW! Zipped files of animals with other animals heads.

03.30.06: Ok, here's a good list of things I've been eating:

The skin around my left index finger, most of my right thumb skin, left thumb skin, right middle finger skin, right thumb parts (cuticle), left and right pinky skin. Dave Piper drove the giant van to Park Ridge tonight to pick up ASTEROIDS DELUXE which now resides at the store. Listen, it's free of charge, but I'll have to assume that people will put money into it nonetheless. I liked today otherwise, I was mostly tired and confused, but I did tend to relax, at which I give HIGH grade points. I talked to some girls on the telephone, one of which told me that ALL GIRLS put things (rocks, twigs) into their "parts" when they are young. IS THIS TRUE? I dunno. So many of things (nails, hair) are ingrown in me, are things always so disgusting? Oh, there's going to be a party at my house on April 15th, please mark all calandars. It's a benefit art show for a Russian who needs a new liver, it's a rather good cause, ok? Otherwise, has anyone given a serious analysis of the Gun Club's Fire Of Love? It's better than Miami, right? I'm so tired of things, giant things that come to attack. Thanks for paying attention to the most important things, not drifting asleep before the ending, I'm planning to diet soon. Does everybody wake up in 3 hour intervals to go #1 in the middle of the night? HOW DOES ONE REACH THE TRUE? Where do things conclude? I like you, you're nice. (evil, awful, confuse, LET'S FIGHT).

03.28.06: Boy, did I ever just stay up all of the night gabbing away with people on the chat and eating pretzels, etc. Here are pictures from Knoxville, if you've never been there you can just look at my pictures and not bother going. Have you ever heard of BOSS SHIT? Well, here's some for you: the best ventriloquist dummy animated GIF that I have, Some stuff from Jason "Art Express" Polan: #1 #2. Hey, his friend went to KFC place too! CLAP YOUR HANDS SAY CRAIGSLIST, I went on a few dates with this girl, IF YOU ARE SINGLE SNATCH HER UP, ok just kidding. I'm going to bed now, it's like 100 o'clock.

03.27.06: Awful House, graves.

03.25.06: I rented a car on Tuesday (9am at professional Enterprise on Milwaukee AVE WHERE THEY YELL AT PEOPLE) and drove mostly not THE WILD but exhausted "spicy chicken" highway system through IN, KY to TN where we were greeted by M. Good and her cat called HAITIAN PRESIDENT . We drove through some mountains, fog, saw fat people, ate things. I thought about email, internet, telephone, arrived at Wynn Avenue and then ate cheeseburgers, went to alcohol bar (Long Branch) with "amazing" "brilliant" "genius" jukebox. Later Deliverance (most citizens) asked if we wanted some candy, went back to house, slept next to dog house, WHICH BARKED, person in car yelling and playing loud terrible music. Next morning went to food places, places that sold things, dead people places, more food, stores, smaller stores, bought a CB from a black gentleman, talked about Kudzu, ate more things, jumped stuff, went to other music bar, hollared, drank, went home and back to bed. Woke up and drove back to Chicago, stopped at KFC museum, food places, saw dogs and kittens in the road, used the CB, ate Steak & Sharks, got home, went to Destroyer show, went to sleep. Pictures soon, thanks. The new thing on eBay is the best. I HAD THE WORST DAY TODAY! Rasta man nearly got in a fist-fight with me, I WAS SO GRUMPY. Now I am better mostly drunk and inert, there's a pile of cinder-blocks behind my house. It's good to know you.

03.20.06: Today I drew the bodies of 15 heavy-set women, woke up late and stayed in bed. Later I took a shower and listened to Van Dyke Parks sing about Discover America, drove to work with Hannah with warm seats and avoided the usual going to work car accident, as I'm still driving a car that I'm going to sell soon. I convinced DD employees to toast my chem-egg and cheese croissant while making a mental note to tell Boomer and Hannah about the differences between the new staff vs. the old staff at Dunkin' Donuts, but completely forgot to. Later I ate: salad, black beans & rice, chocolate M&Ms, Girl Scout cookies from friendly book lender, Butterfinger Easter chocolate eggs. I fixed a computer up, took my shoes off, was stressed and un-stressed. I looked at heavy set women for a long time, curves, posture, I found them on the internet. I'm sorry that people like to eat but their bodies react to this in different ways, perhaps escape routes (under armpits, backs) could be developed to cut-off the food stomach union. I'm going to Lexington, KY to see a field full of corpses and eat weird foods, listen to people talk funny. My life is very nice yet I get so mad at it all the time. I sleep terrible, get mad, yell at friends, I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON. I think people like me because I give them things but this is not the case, I am "joker" not "king" with a funny hat, bells, etc. My cat is starved for attention because there are long periods of time that I forget that she even exists. I make a heap of things on a daily basis that mean very little to me because I'm constantly running from horror. I like to spend money and feel sick from over-eating, kind of drunk, and laugh like no tomorrow. I like and admire things and people without the desire to tell them. I demand attention 95% of the time, and think of ways to cover up the fact that I'm hollaring for everybody to look at me. If you are reading this then you're a rube that fell for the ruse and ultimately this doesn't concern you. I feel great and want to see everybody I know right now at one great big party and we're singing that fucking Chumbawamba song. (endangered runaway, BK, licenses for bribes, check)

03.13.06: Caps, cash, LYNN SWANN, cups, "DUDES LIKE THE FACT THAT THERE'S A COUPLE OF DUDES HERE INSTEAD OF SOME DUDE FAR AWAY COUNTING PENNIES". I love you Boomer Lowe. Could somebody please call Erin at either her office or the front desk? Really, no kidding. I'd like to know what happens. "Hey DAD (gay)".

03.10.06: .wav file of letters, PLEASE BUY MY THINGS FOR SALE ON THE INTERNET: Hub-caps, snowboard, Vespa, camera lens, lotions & stuff, shoes, desk, saw, OK! RHP said to check out some interlinks: (1 2)I was like, YES OF COURSE. Got 11 days worth of time to kill? Then you need to meet my new friend Bruce Armstrong.

03.05.06: Art and food: picture page, this video is called: THROWING TAPE AT THE CAT. I was in a siss-rock band called Beauty Pageant, here is digital file of hard to find cassette Case Quarter. CUPS.

03.02.06: Oh, so mad over punker pictures. Dude, I got totally sick again! This time I had a fever with visions and stuff. It was like drugs, only free and uncomfortable.

02.22.06: Dudes, could y'all do me a big favor? Julia has a school project which involves an anonymous survey. I've posted it here. Please answer it, THANKS. Remember when I went to Haiti? I made some wallpaper for you from the pictures: 1 2 3 4 5. Because we are friends.

02.20.06: The New Vanguard Express Brochure: YOU MUST CIRCULATE TO PERCOLATE. Stills from video - Kent/Akron music scene 80s-now.

02.15.06: Man, I had the best stomach flu for the last 4 days. Mostly I just watched TV and threw up the whole time. There's a guy who steals pens and then sells them to me at a highly reduced rate.

02.07.06: After work last night I noticed that somebody broke my drivers side window. I imagined that all of my tapes were stolen, but really my car just caught on fire and then the fire department came and put it out. Hey, you can still buy it!

02.06.06: Another art show at the clothing store this Thursday evening, here's some picture files of some of the stuff that will be there. WHOA, MYSPACE: Ok, my cousin asked me to put the page of (what seems to be) his "old lady", and in doing so I found also my other cousin (whom I haven't seen since like, 1942), and the guy that walked into the bar in Massachusetts and attacked some people and then died in a shoot-out in Arkansas (complete with praise and then a retraction from his, ahem, lady friend - PLUS, HE WAS A JUGGALO! I am indeed DOWN WITH THE CLOWN as well). The whole point to this story is that Nick Calingaert gave me a copy of the world's greatest poem, you simply have to hear the collection of Paul Stanley's stage banter (here's a tidbit) and my favorite Cruel, Cruel Moon related songs are Pop Fizz (Craig Martin is a manic genius) Laundry Song (Carolyn Getson is a constant source of warmth that surrounds my soul(s)) and Hollow Tree (Tim Gilbride taught me discipline in craft). Otherwise my teeth hurt so bad, I want to take them out and drink shakes, blended foods (pizza, chips, corn, etc).

01.29.06: I love when I discover things that I LIKE (similar to the pita bread that I just found in my shoulder bag from lunch). As far as people made up of zeros and ones go, Elizabeth Cavanaugh might very well be "bees knees": (not a picture of said person, read below)

"This is Kim, she's 26 and she loves Garfield cartoons. She draws Garfield all over her notebooks and forgets that he has cheek lines, despite the past 13 years she's spent manically doodling devotions to the character. Kimmy also needs wet naps after every sack lunch, because she eats blueberry Toast'ems with grape jam on top. It's one nut on the tree away from a pixie stick sandwich. She does it because people who are addicted to sugar are hilarious. They crack jokes about how hyper they're going to be, how much they love being hyper, and how hyper someone they knew once was when they ate some hilarious amount of sugar.

Kimmy's best friend is Jayla Stewart. Genetically her body is attractively slender but due to her ignorance of hygiene and poise it is decaying, and besides this she has this moronic looking lower lip that droops due to its extreme fullness. She can't seem to close her mouth when she's done speaking. It's very ugly to see the inside of an orifice for the length of a conversation.

What makes up for it are her large breasts, although they are supported only by an old cotton sports bra. The tubular appearance of the pair in combination with her slouching back is grotesque, a synthesis of matronliness and monstrosity, together producing an ill impression that likens her to an old, stinking, somehow lactating parrot, colored brown. For various reasons, she stands in a very masculine posture while conversing, leaning forward on one bent leg, arms crossed. She's obsessed with her own socio-political commentary, which is a rewardless persona to build if you are someone entering the field of interior design."

01.29.06: Whoa, what a week. Thanks to everybody who came to visit me in the hospital. My car is totaled, but I think I'm going to heal alright, other than a slight limp for a month or two. Dude, there's a boss band practicing outside of my house, they're all like, BAP-BOOM-BADA-BADA-DUP. Music is so dumb. Last week after Julia's Whirleyball party a gaggle of "yuns" went to EL ART GALLERY CABARET AND GRILLE where we happened upon GENERAL PATTON AND HIS PRIVATES (#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7 #8 #9 #10 #11 #12 #13 #14 #15) (all camera-work courtesy Thomos "NECKBONE" Oakes). Later I puked, it was so awesome. My cousin James' Myspace profile TOTALLY KILLS, it's MOS DOPE! Happy barfday BOB PECK. Holy shit! Remember how my mother's roommate jumped in front of a train? Her landlord is evicting her over it! You want to live with my mom, ok? She makes good eggs (cooked in bacon greases, wiry edges) and IS EXTRA FUNNY! You should probably have cable. OMNISWEET Paul Tempest sent a picture called DOGTRUCK (?), which firmly cements his spot is WEIRDVILLE, but I drank some of my own pee the other night at work, SO WHO'S COUNTING. Update: Common Factor got a website, is going to Berlin (s'awesome). LOOMPANICS going out of business, all books 50% off, JESSIESBATMITZVAH OH MY GOD HOLY FLYING FUCK.

01.24.06: Man, people just keep on dying. Sometime within the last month Phil Fulkerson had a heroin overdose. I used to skateboard with him when we were little. He was always real nice and had the same birthday as my mom. Now he's totally corpse dead. Speaking of my mom, she took in a roomate to help with the rent, he was staying in what was my room at her house. On Saturday night he threw himself in front of a train in Hudson Ohio. It was over a girl named Jackie Baldridge. If all of this bums you out, have a look at Craigslist's Rants and Raves. Man that shit is a killer. Robert Hutton Peck has been really choice lately, have a look here. I think I'm gonna move to Georgia.

01.18.06: I've added things to the thing for you to listen to and then sorry that I don't have anything else for you, I'm kind of busy. Why do you want so many things from me anyway? Stop giving me a hard time. Good records, holy S.

01.14.06: I've done some stuff before, but none of it is as good as DEMON BOW-WOW SATANIC RAP CONCERT flyer. If you haven't noticed, I'm putting something on eBay every day of the year 2006. Until I miss a day and then I'll stop. I don't know where I found this, but here's developed pictures from old cameras.

01.09.06: Riding Records At The Records Store: #1 #2 #3. (mugging (with ocelots) #5). (courtesy Alana Waters), Thanks A LOT.

01.06.06: You must learn: The Arts Of Joe Wroblewski (pronounced Worble-MMRPRKSI) at Bloody Meat Bakery. Thomas/Thomos "Chinos" Oakes sent along some dope Danzing fan-mail with high school photo of said person. Oh my god, me as early teenager: 1 2 3 4, THANKS JOE MALONE. I want to be the first Erdman, but will settle on ALRIGHT! Sweet shit from dudes: ALF Wrestling (Michael Fox), Wayne's Stuff (Paul Tempest), English Menu 3-Star Hotel in China: 1 2 3 4 (Kevin NG, Julia Rickert) NG is pronounced "GUH". Page 4 is the keeper, folks. "Living To Fry The Beef Rice", "FUCK TO FRY THE COW RIVER".

01.01.06: OMG, pictures from Russia.

My holiday was so good. My mother came all of the way from Ohio with a van load of plants and brought an egg from one of her parrots that we fried and all took bites out of (1 2 3 4 5 6 video). We spent Christmas watching Northern Exposure, later we played Trivial Pursuit and drank cans of beer. Then she walloped me in Pac-Man Plus. I had to sleep on the couch which was ok. New Years Eve was pretty good as well, we went to the Art Gallery Cabaret Pub Tavern. We then went to my house and I drank a bunch of Absinthe and got really sick and everybody left. I woke up this morning and cleaned all of the leaves off of my roof and it took two hours.

Here's a midi file of Auld Lang Syne, here are some GREAT stage rants from the Cro-Mags (1 2), the best picture of Walter Vaughn, A Flipper mix MP3, You Can Never Go Down The Drain Volume #1, A song that Paul Tempest sent me called Colored Cat, 8 pictures of Elisa (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8), a picture of my cat with one gleaming eye, website of fat man walking across the USA, videos of a child with odd choking symptoms, a sale on shims, songs by wing, THE WORLD OF WILSON RAINWAY, Kevin Seconds responded to me(!), fantastic Ukrainian "artists" page.

12.22.05: Holy flying fuck. The holocaust of film known as Personal Velocity is so wonderfully shitty that it's a MUST SEE. Here's a brief synopsis:

The movie is split into three parts. In the first part Kyra Sedgwick (who is a ghastly beast) is beaten by her husband and then takes her kids to a shelter where she acts like an asshole. Then she moves in with the fat lady that she was vaguely friends with in high school, gets a job at a diner and jerks off the owner's retarded son. Second part: Parker Posey is a slut who is an editor in NYC and is going to leave her husband because he's a poor writer. Part three: Fairuza (demon faced ghoul) Balk is pregnant and goes to visit her mother because she was with a guy that got hit by a car. She goes to Dunkin' Donuts a bunch of times and picks up a hitch-hiker who was tortured. At the end she looks toward the sky as if to say that she's keeping her baby. I made a tuna melt while I watched it. I'm going to call Eddie Smalling now, that guy is ALIVE WITH PLEASURE! I've been painting Hitlers.

12.16.05: Ok, I have a bunch of things to write about Russia, but first you can bid on following eBay auctions:

WALTER PAYTON Painting Chicago Bears Derek Erdman KBD
HAROLD WASHINGTON Chicago Mayor Derek Erdman OOP OMG

Ok, keep the scene alive in 2005! (dude, j/k!)

12.04.05: Last Sunday I drove with Elisa to Louisville, KY for Burn To Shine. It's like an indie-rock who's who that takes place in a house that's about to be destroyed. I really like to rent cars and drive them funny so the gears change irregularly. We drove around Louisville for a long time and Elisa declared much of it to be a total bummer. The house that was about to be destroyed was owned by an eccentric who's wife died of cervical cancer. Apparently he had a hard time seeing her belongings after she died, so he lived in his van for awhile. He also had a lot of socks. He's in the hospital now after sitting in a White Castle parking lot for two days unable to exit his car with a hip injury. He got his coffee there each day. While the band was playing I took some time out to look at his mail and root through his tool shed. I took some pictures.

This week I got a bunch of really nice things for my birthday. I also had an art show at Clothes Optional. Some people had football make-up on.

When I was in high school, I loved Run-DMC. So much that I've decided that I'd post this live show from NYC in 1985. Also, I added a new The Fall show. Robert Hutton Peck was just making fun of me as I'm kind of bourgeois now, so I decided to make him like me again. You see, one positive of living in a upper-middle class neighborhood with a roof-deck is that you can throw snowballs at cars and nobody can do anything about it. And you can keep doing it! I remember I got caught for snowballing cars when I was 11 and I totally peed my pants.

Since the air is so dry, my skin is also dry. One of my favorite things to do this time of year is to pick my nose until it bleeds. Please believe me, I'm not picking my nose to get anything out, I'm pulling strips of skin off of the inside of my nose. If you can get a good piece, your nose will bleed excessively and almost painlessly. My blood there is thin so it runs down my face sometimes into my mouth and all over my hands. Ribs n' Bibs re-opened next to HPR last week and I was bleeding something fierce when Brenda the owner came in. She's a wonderfully friendly older woman and was a little concerned when she saw I was bleeding. Boomer said, "He picked his nose until it bled." And then I stood up covered in blood and said "I'm going to be 32 next week!".

If you don't already on a regular basis, you should check the fantastic holiday punker tracks over at Strange Reaction. That guy so wins. Also good for a laugh are the collectors of Misfits records over at Misfits Central. You could more than likely claim that Doyle's little brother once came to your house and used one of your forks and then sell said fork for at least the price of a pizza.

While I'm out of town Magik Markers are playing with The Germs in NYC. That's The Germs. As in, The Germs. What are the odds of a Minutemen tour with the Magik Markers on support? At this point I'd say pretty good.

Oh, while I was in Louisville I saw a band called Ultra Pulverize play with MM at the Schadenfreuden(!). I immediately became obsessed with the song That Book Was Written By A Maniac. From what I can gather it's about our man Ultra having to work somewhere while dealing with upper-class meatheads on a regular basis (TGI Friday's?) and explaining that while he has to be nice to this customer, it's only because the employee hand book says so but was indeed written by "a maniac". You should do your best to buy the whole CD (to get the exact lyric which contains the word "shoozeleyfeet") and see them live as soon as you possibly can.

Ok, I'm going to Russia, pictures when I get back. Speaking of pictures, HOLY SHIT! Update: New Daily Art(s)! John Lennon death-day, OK! Almost don't click: "At times on 11 51 pm on stem-cell lines are you are cursing the world as you are set the most definitly get by derek erdman."

11.27.05: Good gravy: Clothing Art Debacle - Thursday December 1st. Also, eBay pulled my auction for my Burberry things, but you can buy them for $150. See price inflated Cragslist ad. Limb differences and via Chris Gilles: AB-TASTIC! For Thanksgiving, we ate QUORN. Here's a squirrel/tiger screen print, whale. Kickboy face & Gus found some dead wolves!

11.21.05: MOSTLY AWESOME SHIT: Laura Kopen sent "Video Of The Day", and fantastic Jessica Thompson said THIS DUDE REALLY LIKES STREET SIGNS. Please buy my Burberry things on eBay. I went to a No Doubt cover band called Tragic Kingdom. My birthday is on December 6th, send me the shit out of stuff and things. I'LL BE IN RUSSIA!

11.15.05: Remember on Halloween when all of those people came to the store and I poured Nerds into their mouths? Oh, too much: #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7.

11.14.05: My mom is in the hospital with a totally smashed-up face after falling on a tree, GET WELL SOON PATTY JO PRESTON-ERDMAN! Chicago White Sox ticker-tape parade: #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 & videos: #1 #2. Autumnal New England from airplane, remembering Elisa & I well at the Chelsea Hotel. I have a cat named Keats and last week I nearly killed her, I've decided to let her ride it out. Here's a sign that says FUCKING. Outstanding websites: Total Coolness, The Swastika & The Nazis, John Weidner's home page, Bestiaire, Colin Tappe's new tattoo, pictures of a lot of super-soakers, Bad Religion's yarmukle, Robotic Death Company's photo albums, Jesus Christ Serial Rapist. Things here are all crummy, how about you?

10.29.05: Happy Halloween rock gift from me, to you.

10.28.05: I met Eric Dunlap Wise in 2003 on the internet. I think it was regarding some art and soon I made acquaintance with his friend Julie "teenager" Russell. I liked them both right away and spent hours at a time talking to Eric about life and stuff over the phone. He was a good kid, and his death is a bummer. Here's some photos from his father: #1 #2. Here are his journals: #1 #2 #3 & comments: #1 #2. Here are some related posts from others: #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7 #8 #9 #10 #11 #12. Donations can be made in his name here. Wherever you are, good luck brother.

10.25.05: I think it was Drew Blood that said, "update your g-d site", so I'm like: "Yes, ok". Last weekend I went camping in Michigan. I hung out with a bunch of people that I ABSOLUTELY DIDN'T "GET". Also, there was a Suicide Girl! I took pictures and ate food, here are pictures, not food: doors, trees, trees, laying on trees, trees, trees, trees, fire, ass burgr, lobsters. More pictures: (via The Knife) throwing it away, self portrait with fiona apple & pins. Also, a video of a man cutting down a tree outside of my kitchen window. Do you need a good WAV to MP3 converter like Hannah Woodroofe did? Here you go! Celebrity zombie photos. Plus, the people of Sinead O'Connor have agreed to pay up, so I'm going to Russia in December. Did you see VH1's Bands on The Ru(i)n? It was so wonderfully dumb, but not as much as THE BLOG OF THE SINGER OF THE WORST BAND! She's absolutely goth-tastic, mostly in time for halloween. Some guy I used to skateboard with in Ohio was wanted by the FBI for awhile. Here's a bunch of people talking about some people that I kind of knew. LIZ CLAYTON'S ALL LIVE ALL NUDE CATS! Bob Peck said, "Rock on rock art". I tried my best to not turn my furnace on, but had to cave tonight. My favorite Talking Heads record is Fear Of Music. Everybody keeps sending me the link of the Aryan Olsen Twins and I kept wondering, am I the kind of guy who would be into something like that? TWO WORDS: shit & yes. Speaking of Sieg Heil-ing, I went to Joe Losurdo's wedding last night and the priest asked that we all raise our right hand and send a "love-laser-beam" to the bride and groom. Later I ate salmon and drank a lot of wine, holy shit, it was awesome. I still haven't gotten them a gift. Whenever I get depressed, I just read this chat between my cousin and I. The depression disappears! If you're from Cleveland and would like two tickets to ANY Cleveland Public Theatre performance during the 2005-2006 season, let me know. I will give them to you as I'm NEVER GOING BACK TO THAT CRUMMY TOWN AGAIN. Geez, just kidding. Chicago White Sox, all right! Happy birthday Laura Kopen!

10.13.05: "30 Anne Franks". HOLY S: If you're an audiophile in love with Al Stewart, then you'll love my eBay auctions! I don't have a problem with Belgians (hey, famous Belgians!) and Maximilian Schutze hipped me to a fantastic Belgian burning Smurf village politicommercial. My Belgian friend Nick is helping me battle some Kathy McGinty sound-byte burglers and sent the 419 Eater link along, which is good for at least 3 hours of laughing. Look at this mostly un-funny McGinty related comic via Laura Kopen. I recently ate fake meats with Bob Peck and he swore at least 6 times! He also sent me some SWEET PREGNANT PROM PICTURE LINKS: #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7. Here's the story on Sinead O'Connor: I was asked by her manager Danny Heaps to make a logo for her new record label. I did it and now it's on her website, but they really no longer take my calls. If you want to call "Kizzie" (919.875.3500) and encourage her to pay me, I'll give you a decent cut if the money comes through. They used the logo on the CD too, but they shrunk it up and it looks crummy. Suicide Girls, WAY TO GO! Ok! Hannah Woodroofe, happy birthday! Hold WOW - Gacy for sale!

10.06.05: Awesome Ed Kemper article. Also, I love these fascinating ILX threads: #1 #2. Check out my things for sale on eBay, you're all like, "WASSSSSSUUUPPP!".

09.28.05: Holy WOW: Pilsen Art Walk weekend, THIS WEEKEND AT THE HUBBARD CHOCOLATE FACTORY. Other art in the space where I'll be will include black & white type photos by Alana Waters, things to wear by Cari Carter & waxy art and chocolates by Annastacia Hubbard. I'll have "white tyson" (s,l) "white cosby" (s,l) "yellow saddam" (s,l) "red cats" (s,l) "red panda" (s,l) "green panda" (s,l) "blue panda" (s,l) "blue jump-roper" (s,l) & more. Friday 9/30 6pm-11pm, Sat & Sun 12pm-7pm = 718 W. 18th street. PLUS: Budget Girls, Hyde Park Records - Friday 9/30 7pm-9pm (HOLY SHIM!). Via Chuck Rickert: CIGARETTE WARNINGS FROM THAILAND. Whomever has been sending me postcards, please continue. They are great. Also, Goblins come to my house to make a movie, use child. Jump into a fountain for a great man. Update: I designed Sinead O'Connor's new record label logo AND NOBODY WILL PAY ME FOR IT.

09.19.05: Davis, Baker & Freeman (4x8).

09.15.05: Via Nick C: KK Mime. Pre-Russia Julia hitting the pinata. Leah Quimby, Chuck and Dave "eating it". St Louis: arch, buildings, chairs, baseball, train. At my new house, the view from the kitchen sink includes my neighbor shaving his legs. $50 paintings: "cats" (sm, lg) "whoopi" (sm, lg) "horse" (sm, lg) "jumping rope & panda". Other paintings: "Magikist" (sm, lg) "Buddy Cianci" (sm, lg) "Buddy Holly" (sm, lg) "Pig" (sm, lg) "neck brace" (sm, lg). Do not bid on this eBay tapes auction, Hannah Woodroofe is going to win it. Picture of big empty house.

09.13.05: The idea of fake meat such as chickens and "riblets" is absolutely fucked. Because, well, they're totally gross. And you'd better believe that I wrote Gardenburger a scathing e-letter regarding their Meatless Buffalo Chicken Wings tonight, which a person in their right mind WOULDN'T BE EATING IN THE FIRST PLACE. Have a look at the Asian Green (ok, giant) Hornet which Max Schutze refers to as "The Jeffrey Dahmer of insects". Also, creepy snakes of New Orleans that eat people via Mondo Chicago: #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7. Plus, feel free to compare your "Julia In Russia" emails with mine - hear about "vegetable nuggets with jelly"! Remember the sound-man mentioned in the Kathy Mcginty Reader article? Read our email exchange here! From Gregg "Let The Riddim Hit 'Em" Sundin: JUST DO IT & the SICKEST VIDEO EVER. Really, don't watch it. Plus, Walter Vaughan = SMOOTH. Oh, Dave and Amos' wedding was so pleasant, here's a video of me dancing at it. This MP3 = TOO MUCH. My new address is 2068 N. Leavitt Chicago, IL 60647. Send me things, OK?

09.05.05: Dudes: listen, I've been moving and stuff. When I'm done I just want to watch Poltergeist and sleep. So, other than sleeping, I've been doing that. Also, I got a new phone number. It's 773-CRUCIFIX. Only, you can't dial the X. If you do, it won't work. I have a new address, as well. I moved to Bucktown and became a vegetarian. I want to have a mohawk, but I can't find the clippers. If you've been as fascinated by the sinking city of New Orleans as I, check out these satellite pictures. The NOLA Craigslist is a pretty harrowing read as well. Via Colin Tappe: Metallica's unreleased b-side and the coat that his mother bought him for x-mas. For a really good time, use up the resources of the deaf by having a live operator call your friends and read off what you type from your computer at MCI's IP-RELAY. It's free and weird and funny, thanks teenager from Texas (friend of teenager from Texas). Oh yeah, Chuck Rickert sent me a picture of a "Wing" jacket! That's my jacket! Oh, the first person to send me an email gets a limited edition home-made DICKS "Kill From The Heart" T-shirt. Size large, smudgy ink, printed to last, include your address, dummy. Hey, super sleuth - happy Labor Day! Listen, I'd like to post videos of me dancing at weddings and voyeur-cam action of my neighbor shaving his legs on his back porch, but I'm stuck with dial-up and I want to go to bed. Also, I'd like to thank Jim New-blue-berry for helping me score my new house. See you in the laundry room, mang! Hey, it's Elisa!

08.19.05: TONIGHT (FRIDAY): Julia's (who is Kathy McGinty) going away party 7pm-2am! Also, VERY CHEAP art moving sale: EVERYTHING MUST GO! THINGS FROM $5-$20! Lotsa beer, lotsa laffs, lotsa time to go home! Update: DUDE, I'M IN THE READER!

08.17.05: (MP3 FILE REMOVED) He's NOT SERIOUS!. HEY! EVERYBODY LOVES MARISSA MARCHANT! Why did her bleedin' website have to disappear? Geez, does the flyer "own" or "not own"? PWNED. RHP sent me a copy of Mazes & Monsters which is not only the finest piece of film made in the last 75 years, but sheds a lot of light on Tom Hanks' involvment in the 9/11 tragedy. If you're dying to be as in the know as I AM then send me an email and I'll send you the tape. I only have one so make it snappy. the tape also includes RHP playing that Japanese video game where you roll around as a ball collecting things. You know, the one that's really popular.

08.13.05: Going away party for Julia Rickert! Free beer & vodka! LOUD MUSIC! CRIME DESIRE & CASUAL ENCOUNTER PICTURES / FEATHERS IN CHICAGO 2005. Last summer Julia and Chuck walked from Peoria to Chicago. It took a whole bunch of days and they were nice enough to take a lot of pictures. FedEx furniture link from Newberry. Kathy McGinty review on Dusted. I'm moving to Armitage & Leavitt in the next two weeks, anybody who wants to help out will be duly rewarded with beer and pizza, natch.

08.03.05: Sweet California hard-core group CRIME DESIRE at the Gallery of Hamburger on August 05 at 9pm. IT'S FREE! Also, John Brearley's Causual Encounter will be opening. Prepared to die, but in a good way. Last party at the Gallery Hamburger before I pack up and move to Jerk-Town.

07.12.05: Please bid on my eBay auctions, ok thanks a lot. Also: $.01 drawing, alright!

07.30.05: Man, I'm so wild about Netflix. I've been stocking up on blank DVDs in an attempt to COPY every title that Netflix has to offer, and boy is it a lot of work. The best part is the 'friends' section, where you can see what people you know are watching. My only friend is Amanda Egge. She's totally controversial and happens to like the movie About Schmidt. Update: The history of swallowing gold fish, stomping old piano with my foot, Maxwell House Coffee commercial.

07.25.05: I went all the way to Boston and all you get is this crummy photo journal (please note videos at bottom of said page) . Some things to claim that are for free to the first person to write here: Lou Barlow's chocolate from backstage food table & new old stock disc-gun with PLENTY OF AMMO. If you've already claimed free things in the past, you cannot claim these, thanks. Post-My War Black Flag interview, ALRIGHT! Here's a gigantor MP3 of Liz Clayton's radio show on WHPK from June 30th 1992. At the time I was fresh out of high school and ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE. I can't help but be fascinated by this list of comments about a Beatles Butcher Cover on eBay. Also, I watched the "drug culture" (?) movie Spun last night and came away severly disappointed. Update: Heads up = CRIME DESIRE & CASUAL ENCOUNTER friday August 5th @ Gallery Hamburger. (Dude, Janine Turner: classic or dud?)

07.05.05: Did you know that you could read the blog of the guy who bludgeoned the family and kidnapped the children only to be caught at Denny's eating pancakes? It's all right here. It's all very fascinating and stomach turning and creepy and "neat". As much as Sufjan Stevens seems like a good enough looking guy, I've always liked Andrew Gill. Geoff brought a bunch of fireworks back from Missouri, here are my favorite pictures & videos, etc: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11. Update: Liz Rickert flipped her car, Pat Garrett hipped me to Joel Sternfeld & thanks Daisy!

07.01.05: Old videos taped from a camcorder on TV:

"Reverse Burgler"
"Roar!"
"Do You Want To Buy This Tori Amos Picture?"
"Man Gets Tired, Drinks From Fountain"
"Ollie To Candy"
"Santa Launch"

06.28.05: Dead Kennedys - Plastic Surgery Disasters Demos: Government Flu, Terminal Preppie, Trust Your Mechanic, Buzzbomb, Halloween, Winnebago Warrior, Bleed For Me, I Am The Owl, Saturday Night Holocaust, Well Paid Scientist, Forest Fire, Riot, Life Sentence, Dead End, Moon Over Marin, Kepone Factory, The Prey. Update: Just One Of The Guys, thanks Hannah!

06.25.05: I was measuring some shirts to sell them on eBay when I noticed a giant fly next to me. It landed on the window so I smashed with my ruler. I think it was full of maggots, but I don't know a lot about the guts of flies, so I could be wrong. Some guy was selling video games on eBay last week and made short sideways videos of the games in action. They're kind of funny: #1 #2 #3 #4. Here's some videos from Great America: "El Presidente" & "Block Jugglers". DO NOT LEAVE ARMS AND LEGS OUTSIDE OF THE CARS!

06.23.05: Due to popular demand (well, Julia & Jamie), the crummy art page that appears first on this website is now gone. It will then revert back to the alternating "funny pictures", etc. Also, John "Quasimoto" Piche sent me a bitchin' letter that he found outside of his workplace, view pages #1 #2 #3. Kori "Koran" Wiltz is having a yard sale from 9am-3pm at 1913 S. Halsted this saturday. you ought go to it. While you're looking at maps, have a look at where I lived for most of college, where I lived for most of high school & where I last peed in public (which was like, 30 minutes ago). Tijuana Hercules is playing at Hyde Park Records next thursday (the 30th) and there will be a lot of FREE BEER. Hey, my mom turned 50! Happy birthday Patty! Update: If you play guitar and like Leonard Cohen, then you'll like this. I should know, I've been pretending to be Leonard Cohen for the past 1/2 hour.

06.10.05: Seattle's Best Gregg Sundin sent some tops song lyrics that he found on the street as well as a picture of some hamburgers. Then my cousin (referred to here as "Jason") sent a picture of him doing a major kickflip after he went hunting and killed "some wildlife". This Wooster Collective article is sort of interesting, until you realize that everybody involved would be better off going to Arby's and taking advantage of their 5 for $5.95 sandwich sale instead of being so "arty". Dude, this guy I used to hang out with in college is in an Irish-Pirate music band! That's so fucking GREAT! I tried to sell a bike on Craigslist but all I got was a sweet art link from a tall person. You can buy this computer from me, if you'd like. It's cheap.

06.06.05: A few nights ago there was a raging domestic dispute behind my house. Instead of calling the police like my neighbors did, I hid in the bushes and shot video. They lose & you win(!): #1 #2 #3. Norah & Paul's wedding MEMORIES: "Food", "Shay", "Battlefield". Hello, photo gallery! Does anybody have a computer to sell me? Ok, thanks. Happy birthday eLisa: #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7 #8 #9 #10. Fluky's Hot Dogs - LOST A CUSTOMER FOR LIFE. Sorry for being so glum = PETS - BORN TO DIE. Will somebody please call me on the phone? 312.666.2183.

06.01.05: Bid, win.

05.31.05: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56.

05.26.05: Hey Chicago, have a look at the crime on your block. Here's mine. You can thank Alana, the girl with 8 last names. If you use these files, perhaps you too can make the list. If you're still into drinking cough syrup, which Matt G. still might be, this is a useful tidbit. Other than that, I have nothing for you. I mean, I bought 11 army shirts yesterday and I spent most of tonight tracing text and answering emails, but you really wouldn't want to hear about all of that. Oh, but I did eat a Peanut Buster Parfait from Dairy Queen yesterday. Those things are really something else.

05.20.05: Please bid on and win my wonderful eBay auctions: "Silver Piccolo", "CDrw/DVD Drive", "Two-Way Radios", "Spoon T-Shirt", "British Airways Blanket & Travel Pack", "Joan Of Arc Record", "Beastie Boys Records". Oh, internet people, thank you so very much! Now I kees you, maah! Update: Bridget Ginley, just giving shit away!

05.15.05: I totally took Zyprexa and slept through most of 5/14. Here's some party pix: "Boomer & Wartburg Shirt", "Jamie & Food", "Angie, Bill & Dena", "Doug's Dick", "Betty & John". Here's a video of me smasing my head on my kitchen ceiling. Here's a video of a skinny dog at Hyde Park Records. Here's a video of the Passerines at Hyde Park Records. Here's a video of Dave & Nick shooting an old Mac. Here's a picture of Nick & Dave shooting out the back door. Here's a picture of Julia taking up arms as well. Prank calls: "Kinko's Resume Paper Choices", "Hand Sandwich", "Supermarket Suicide", "Supermarket Slam Poetry". Here's an image of the Sherwin Williams "Cover The Earth" logo & a picture of Earth's Dylan Carlson. Here's a picture of a bunch of people in front of the Buckingham Fountain & a picture of our new fish named MANIAC at Hyde Park Records. Art at the hair salon: #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7 #8 #9 #10. NWA's Straight Outta Compton = CURSING ONLY! Dinosaur Comics (thanks RHP)!

05.05.05: The new Kathy McGinty CDs are HERE! To celebrate there will be the oblig giant party (see below, dummy) with arts and foods and beers and DJs, etc. Magik Markers are ruining things all over Europe, YES! Here's a picture of eLisa playing the "music"! Here's some homework! For some reason I have 9 copies of the Beastie Boys "License To Ill" and I'm happy to send the one in the worst condition to the first person to send an email here! Update: Sorry I haven't done a lot of bloggering lately, I bet you'd be happy if I posted a video of Sun Ra on Saturday Night Live from 1978. Oh, I'm so digitally nice! (download will take awhile, it's like, 170MB).

04.17.05: Jamie Drier and I simply had to check out the Virgin Mary Water Stain under the 90/94 overpass on Fullerton last Sunday. Here's an entire page of pictures showing people kissing and touching a filthy mildew spot under a bridge. Thanks a lot for Bob HP for the tip-off to that wonderfully stupid event. A note to local bands: it would be a really good place to put your flyers, tons of people are totally looking at it. Oh, and here's a video of said event. Alana Waters went all the way to Thailand and all we got was this lousy t-shirt. Here's a video of Boomer at work getting annoyed with a limpy customer. I'm not at all sure what's going on in this video, but I can't imagine that it's going to end well. Here's a giant MP3 mix that Jamie, Stan & I did. It's called "Let Me Know If You Don't Receive This". Here's the tracklisting. While we're at that, I guess, here's my favorite Bartok recording. Tom Trocolli's D. Boon Tribute Page. If you have the time, watch the trailer for the new Minutemen documentary, they also have great posters of it for sale here. Perma-link: Magik Markers @ Kraak Festival. I can't tell you how important Carolyn Getson has been in my life, so please look at this wonderful Bettys retrospective page. Please have a look. Do it now, sooner than later. Ok, I'm going to bed. I hate this damned typing machine.

04.14.05: Please buy this painting, it's only $.12! It's a full-on copy of the one I made for The Reader. Have a look at this wonderful story about the history of Wax Trax & my new best friend Robert Hutton Peck sent along these exquisite photos: #1 #2 #3. If I had to have a brother, I'd want his name to be Jason Polan. Main Man Nick Calingaert sends along another stellar video link, thanks a bazillion! See also: blackface photo, giant child's head. TOTAL PARTY UPDATE: The date has been moved to Friday May 13th. Kathy McGinty re-release party, 2 DJs, 3 kegs of beer, 2nd Friday Pilsen art gallop, 6pm-6am - that night we RIDE FOREVER (dude). Update: I recently went to a house sale of a man who is going to die and he sold me a grocery bag full of somebody else's photographs. If you would like any of them, send an email message: #1 #2 #3 - I will send them for free, in the mail! Double Update: Elisa played a show a NYU last night and the sound guy was the old drummer from Born Against! And guess what? HE WAS A TOTAL DICK! Triple Update: My favorite music website is back in business, fucking awesome.

04.08.05: Free painting has been claimed, but Bridget Ginley is giving away some stuff as well. My favorite music website is dead, and largeheartedboy has a some sweet alternatives for anybody else affected. Here's some stuff about John Kennedy Toole, and here's a DVD player on craigslist for $25. Otherwise, there'll be a sweet party for the re-release of Kathy McGinty on May 13th. Kegs of beer, Meaty Ogre on the turntables and tons of teenagers with my puke on their shoes (I wish!). I love you, internet. j/k.

04.07.05: This "Cat & Burger" painting didn't turn out very well, so I'm willing to send it to whomever might want it. It's 24"x10" and the first person to email here can have it. Include your shipping address, I'll probably throw in some candy bars as well. About halfway down on this page is a list of Strokes covers. I'm not sure how I got credit for one of them, but boy does it make me happy. Resident genius Liz Clayton wrote about eLisa mauling somebody in NYC and according to the Magik Markers video on the Ecstatic Peace website, whoa did she ever. I really liked this Mifits article & I'm not sure who runs Strange Reaction, but if you're into Stains then you're obviously on to something. Ride free, brother.

04.05.05: German weirdo pictures from the life Sentence tour HERE. If you don't want to bother with the whole page, here's a here's the best one OF ME. Old video: Doug Stephen On King Diamond. Otherwise, nothing is new.

04.01.05: The Pope dies today. I have $3 riding on it.

03.30.05: An entire page of Swedish Hardcore MP3s for you. As if it's your birthday or something. You're welcome!

03.26.05: LIFE SENTENCE / REGRESS TOTAL AGGRO EURO TOUR 2005. See also: Elisa Ambrogio in Village Voice. Happy birthday Betty Eo!

03.03.05: This website will not be updated for the next 3 weeks.

02.28.05: Backward record playing: 1. The beginning of Baby I'm A Star by Prince 2. The end of Darling Nikki by Prince 3. Stairway To Heaven #1 by Led Zepplin 4. Stairway To Heaven #2 by Led Zepplin. The book "Backward Masking Unmasked" by Jacob Aranza (Huntington House 1983) refers to the Led Zepplin messages as: "There's no escaping it, it's my sweet satan. The one will be the path who makes me sad, whose power is satan." & "Oh I will sing because I live with satan." It sounds more to me like "I'm kind of hungry, I'm going to get a sandwich" and also "My throat is pretty sore, I need a lozenge". CONTEST: Gaggles of free stuff to whomever can figure out the words to "9:30 May 2" by The Minutemen. It's been my favorite song for years, but I have no idea what 80% of the lyrics are. Send replies to standard address, please. Update: Well, do I love this!

02.23.05: Giant cow-head eBay auction = $.01! Jason Polan = toughest dude in leather in the world! Nathan S. wrote me and he was all like, "haggis hunt"! Belated Google Image Searches from Jessica T: "Giant", "Wazzup", "Eric Birdman" vs. Alana Waters: "Nails". Oh, look - new Magik Markers website! Please buy this sweet-art at the Gold Star Bar & Grille (!) OMG and then I went skiing and Elisa ate a hamburger (after skiing). Websites are so gay, please stop looking at them. Holy shit, chatting rulez!

02.18.05: Today I woke up mostly pukey from boozing too heavily last night (awe shucks, ma!) Then I drove a cash register to Loyola and then ate eggs with Dave and Elisa. There was a guy sitting a table over who was from 1986. Also, I put a sausage by my pants. Then we went to Walgreens and some guy was getting caught for shoplifting and he kept yelling "FUCK YOU FUCKING CRACKER FAGGOTS!" and then some other people were looking at animated Easter plushies. Then we played with walkie-talkies that a homeless guy sold me at work and I kept singing Rolling Stones songs to truckers, oh my god I'm so funny! Also, I made this MP3 for Colin Tappe a few weeks ago but didn't put it up. Then we went to the Museum Of Science And Industry to see the crummy plastic body exhibit. The lines were really long and the guards were mean and it was extra expensive. Here's a bunch of pictures: #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7 #8. The best part was easily this comment left in a book at the end. Then we went to the used hotel sheet store at the end of the street and I bought a sheet and painted a giant cow head on it and hung it to the bridge on 16th street. Then I ate some food and now I'm going back to drink more at the bar because I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside & stuff.

02.11.05: Please bid on my sweet and good cause eBay auctions: Bill Cosby, Eddie Murphy, Lionel Ritchie & Mike Tyson. Also, ALL OF THE FREE CHEX-MIX IS GONE, thanks.

02.07.05: Man, I've had so much pneumonia lately. Last night I drank most of a bottle of night-time cough medicine and a bunch of cans of beer while losing a slew of side-bets on the Super Bowl. Then I came home and prank called Pizza Hut. I've been writing to a guy in Nigeria who promises to deposit 68 million dollars in an overseas bank account once I open it, he even drew up the probate papers! Check out this sweet video of Hannah and Boomer beating their knuckles bloody! More prank calls: "Donut Boycott" & "Reckless Records Black History Month Window Display". Anybody in need of a Universal Codec Pack has to look no further! If you didn't see it on the Hyde Park Records webpage, DJ Alex Torsell is #1! (link courtesy Nick Calingaert). Teenagers on the Sonic Youth message board discussing a person who is yammering away on a cell-phone in the other room from me, HOW AWESOME FOR ME! FREE FOOD GIVEAWAY: I recently scored an entire case of Honey Nut Chex Mix and I'm going to give away 3 packages to the first three people who send an email to the address on the contact page. Really! I'll even pay the postage! Who loses? I can't eat 12 bags of the stuff, but I'm sure I can eat 9, natch. Update: Hold the door at the liquor store!

01.26.05: Everyone's always talking about the snow! Like, "oh, it really snowed!" Wow, yes, SNOW. And then there is this. Sorry this is so short, I have to pee. Here's a video of me throwing my cat into the snow. Oh, THE SNOW! Update: "This Authentic Waste Rosary is what the Nuns Actually did Ware Around There Waste"

01.22.05: Two brand new and totally choice MP3 mixes: MIX #1 (tracklist) & MIX #2 (tracklist). Two of my favorite records were just released: Magik Markers "I Trust My Guitar, Etc" is a messy and lawless guitar war with fist-fight drumming. The rhythm section lays the ties & rails as the guitar & vocals plow right in like a train sans cow catcher, FOR SURE. Tremors "The Black Wind" is spacious and creepy poxy-clips music and each time i listen to it I have that old dream where I'm wandering in pitch black with arms outstretched knowing full well that the only thing I'll find will muss me up. It also features the best cover of any recording ever besides that Caroliner record that had all that stuff stuck to it, and I'd be happy to point you in the right direction to buy it, but I couldn't make out any of the writing on the cover. If you want to buy the Tremors CDr, write to this address. When it comes to websites, this one right here, now that's really something! Please check out this batch of Buy It Now for $1 auctions on eBay: "I'm Going Back Home", "12 Cats", "I'm Learning To Ride The Pony", "I'm So Sorry" & "Holy Shim". Can somebody please send me some Zyprexa? Oh, that would be great.

Hey, January 22 is the birthdate of Julia Rickert! WELL HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIA RICKERT! And Angela Lowe! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ANGELA LOWE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EVERYBODY ELSE WHO HAS A BIRTHDAY TODAY - THERE MUST BE MORE!

01.11.05: I reposted the auctions pulled by eBay because they were for an unauthorized charity. Also, the best thing in the world is this spooky document that Gregg Sundin found in a bar in Seattle. Here's the complete video made by The Knife that played at Rory Lake's Battle Of The Bands on Saturday. It was such a good time that I took a bunch of videos and then got really drunk and erased them all. Later I was attacked by a suburban teenager for giving the shittiest band a low score! Now I'm sick with the flu, but I'm really into channel 23 METV, THEY PLAY THE BEST SHOWS. I lightened to the picture of Elisa Ambrogio & Punky Brewster against her best wishes. I love this story about Vince Neil.

01.08.05: Sweet Kiss cover-band footage from NYE in Cleveland, Ohio. Picture of Elisa Ambrogio & Punky Brewster. Mindy Fisher now has a website. Tops page of tsunami videos, alright. Please stop complaining about the new website, I'm not done with it yet, CUT ME SLACK. I'm a judge (?) at Rory Lake's Battle of the Bands tonight, please come by or something. If you have a chance, bid on a sweet painting for John Piche's charity auction. BID HIGH, YOU WIN!

12.27.04: Crummy day at the office? The Frogs - Live At Liberty Lunch In Austin, TX 3.13.1997: "Fuck Off", "Disrespect Me", "Homos", "Bear", "Sleep On The Street", "Queen Boys", "Now You Know You're Black". While you're at it, check out the MP3s of Gary Brodsky, like whoa!

12.26.04: I made a New Year's resolution to make a gaggle of money, so the new website will be dedicated to selling things that people will suprisingly buy. I spent Christmas volunteering at the homeless shelter on Harrison street downtown, and I'd have posted pictures if my camera hadn't been stolen, etc. Otherwise my life lately has been a whirlwind of drinking and laughing, and when I wake up in the morning I usually realize that I've made all of the wrong decisions in life, but these realizations fade around the time I eat the first meal of the day, which is normally a Dunkin' Donuts breakfast sandwich with bacon on a croissant, though today it was a bagel with cream cheese because I'm totally 'on the edge'. Does anybody want my cat? I'm pretty serious.

12.20.04: So this guy is doing this thing and I'm going to do it too and it involves a whole bunch of people and I have to make some introduction tape so then I just did that tonight aside from eating a roast beef sandwich that kind of gave me a stomach ache and also I have really chapped lips, thanks for reading my website!

12.16.04: "World Trade Bummer", "Lubya Dubya!", "Elephants #1" & "Elephants #2".

12.13.04: My 31st birthday vs. being 35% gay. Perma-link: Susan Meyers.

12.07.04: Birthday Party on Friday. Awesome email response. Gift collage from teenager. Spooky UFO video footage.

12.05.04: Does Kori Wiltz never catch a break? Also, my cousin James recently got caught shoplifting. Awesome.

11.30.04: Ok, my birthday is in 6 days. Of course, there'll be a party with kegs and a mime (not kidding) and a juggler (well, maybe) and killer-fresh music DJs for me & Jim & Kori. The party is on the 10th, but my birthday is on the 6th. What this means is this: IT'S TIME TO GIVE BACK TO ME. Here are a list of things I can use as a birthday gift. If you can't come up with anything on the list, please simply send a card or a gift certificate of some sort. *Medium-tipped Sharpie Markers (in black) *USPS Postage Stamps *Blank Audio Readable CDRs *Northern Exposure Season 1 or 2 DVD Box Set *Chicago Area Grocery Store Gift Certificates *Size Medium Army Utility Shirts *Onyx Uniball Medium-Tipped Pens *Home Depot Gift Certificates *Homemade Cookies *Comfortable Winter Hat. Of course, anybody who sends a gift will get an x-mas gift which will be a silk-screen of Bill Clinton's head on a 12" wood circle with glaze - VERY NICE! My address: Derek Erdman 1909 S. Halsted Chicago, IL 60608. Update: Kori Wiltz did the collage on the front of the party invite, it was partially inspired by the wonderful Irelantis. Double Update: Have you had a look at the new Shannon Kringen lately? The MP3 page is out of this world fantastic, as is this picture of a young Kring. Triple Update: Elisa and I hung out late tonight and mixed down a CD that we made months ago while we were drunk - it's actually really good! I'm giving away 3 copies to the first 3 people to write to this address. It's limited to 30 and with Elisa's "total noise" reputation, I'm sure it'll be worth $11 to some dudes that spend a lot of time on music message boards soon enough. OK, SEND! (SORRY - OFFER OVER - ALL CDs CLAIMED).

11.23.04: The last three weeks of solid work has made it nearly impossible to keep my house clean. Even my mother, in town for the grand opening, was "thoroughly disgusted". I spent a lot of time cleaning tonight and was AMAZED at what came out of my bathroom sink drain. It resembled leaves and mud and hair and smelled like moss. Here's a video of me pulling things out of it with a chopstick which I will give to a guest in the near future, NO FOOLING. Also, here's a video of Elisa totally giving the noise concert in my bedroom. Listen, I'm totally as against animal cruelty as the next guy, but isn't there something funny about this letter? Shit, while you're at it, have a look at the whole website. And how can anybody be depressed when this exists? LIFE IS AWESOME! Update: Do you hate having to sign up for an account to read links to NY Times articles? This site comes in handy for that site and a bunch others. Double Update: T-shirts are on the way. Sorry that they're so late, I HAVEN'T EVEN SLEPT. Triple Update: Oh wow, Hal Pittaway. From Gregg Sundin: Zoomify.

11.16.04: Please repost this wherever you can: The Hyde Park Records grand opening will be on Friday November 19th. We'll probably be open all day long, but the party will be from 7pm-11pm. Meaty Ogre from Galapagos4 will be playing obscure soul 45s most of the night. There'll also be some food and drinks & stuff. Keep in mind that this store is the culmination of 20+ years of combined music collecting - so the stuff on the first day will blow your mind. Invite everybody you like or come alone. No need to eat beforehand, the restaurants in the neighborhood are fantastic - from Mellow Yellow to Ribs & Bibs to Rajun Cajun. We'll probably all head over to the Woodlawn Tap afterward. The address is 1377 E. 53rd which is steps away from the beautiful UofC campus & right off of Lake Shore Drive just south of the city. Here's a map. Update: Thanks Tiffany!

11.07.04: Alright, so like I told my old boss that I wanted to take over one of the shops when he told me it was closing down, and he told me he'd rather I didn't for some reason or another and then I get a call from some guy because the person that the landlord had lined up to take over the shop that had just closed had flaked out, so I took my chance and I've decided to open a record store with some dudes in Hyde Park. The first 3 people to write here will get a free Hyde Park Records t-shirt (Update: SHIRTS ALL GONE). Please include your shipping address & specify shirt size. There'll be a major opening party in a few weeks along with on appearance on WHPK, a Hyde Park Herald article and a location filming of LOVE JONES 2: LOVE BEAST. I've heard a lot of bad things about opening a used record store in this economic climate, but I think it's something I'm going to have to get out of my system. Here's a series of pictures of rehabbing the store - many of which are arty & taken by Elisa who is playing a show in NYC this Sunday. If you can go, go. Speaking of arty pictures, I went to Ikea and totally turned into Brian Ulrich! Speaking of art, this lady paints on pizza boxes! And this guy is all like, "IT'S ALL GOOD!". Since you seem to like to look at pictures so much, here's a whole group of pictures of a silver car on the highway. Also, take some time to read this highly entertaining correspondence I recently had with a Canadian regarding an eBay auction. Even Canadianne Tiffany Morris said, "That guy is a total asshole!". People all over seem to be really bummed about the re-election of GWB, but YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HATE THE PRESIDENT REGARDLESS OF WHO IT IS. Did everybody suddenly starting trusting any zombie that runs on the Democratic ticket? I like having Bush in office, it makes it a lot easier for everybody to notice that everything here is TOTALLY FUCKED! Speaking of totally fucked, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is probably the greatest thing to ever come from the brains of humans. OH, also I went to a Firemen Vs. Policemen charity boxing match tonight in Bridgeport. It was so awesome, all of these weird people jamming hot dogs down their throats and yelling at people and stuff. Here's some pictures mostly of some guy sitting two rows ahead of me. Also, here's a video of some children boxing and here's another of giant men doing the same. Nate from Converge is one of the bossest dudes ever and he totally had the nerve to wear what looked like a bootleg Big Black t-shirt when they played here last month. Here's a super long video of Converge that Elisa took from the MOSH PIT because she has NO FEAR. God bless Elisa Ambrogio and all those who sail upon her. Here's some pictures taken before the show: #1 #2. Here's some videos taken after the show: #1 #2 #3. Update: Chuck & Julia sent in this picture of a lady sleeping on the street. Double Update: Don't sail on, Elisa. Triple Update: I think I'm going to throw up. More Updates: "Superdead" via Gregg Sundin & Jeff Nelson's political signs in Toledo, Ohio via Tiffany Morris. Awesome, I'm done with this. I'm going to bed.

10.24.04: Joan Didion eBay auction. Elisa told me that Didion chose the dress that Linda Kasabian wore when she was on trial, who knew? I was pretty fascinated with The Process Church as a teenager, but can proudly claim that I've grown up and now I'm just as fascinated with Dr Tichenor's Mouthwash and Roanoke Island. Here's a gross-out link inspired by one of my heroes Chuck Rickert: Sidwell dissection photos. Here's a good article about the Stinson brothers. Here's an interesting article entitled Recommended Animal Handling Guidelines for Meat Packers. Also, here's some sweet clip-art.

10.22.04: "ART BELL AT TACO BELL WITH BONUS FETUS DRAWING". Sweet link from Gregg Sundin: "I Love Egg". Also a helping hand from Nick Calingaert: The People's Republic Of North Korea & the totally awesome ASSMETER! Also, why not go & see The Donnas in Chicago, on me! Here's a series of pictures that Jim Newberry took at my house on October 1st: #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7 #8. Update: I've been writing to a lot of people from my high school in Lakewood, Ohio. Kristi "I Love Donovan" Robertson asked for a Double Decker Bus CD, so I decided to post some of those tracks here, as they're partially interesting. Well, as interesting as some teenagers loaded on glue, grass & Busch Beer could make them: #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7 #8 #9 #10 #11 #12 #13 #14 #15. Warning: listening may be tedious & only sorta entertaining. Also, track 14 is an Electric Eels cover which makes it obvious that I was cool in high school. Yeesh.

10.18.04: Doug Stephen was all like, "Have you seen I Love Death?" Hint: you have to look in the video section. Also, have a look at this sweet art review about how awesome I am! Thanks Mary Beyer who now works at Thomas McCormick Gallery! Also, Berlin-bound Nick Calingaert sent along this baffling site by a guy from Tuxedomoon. Update: I QUIT MY JOB! Somebody has been diddling with the Amazon descriptions at my now ex-job, and while none of my friends believe me, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! I like this internet weblog a lot because it's funny.

10.10.04: Boy, you'll probably be as fascinated with The Doe Network as I am. Also, this eBay negative/neutral feedback finder is a real asset to online auctioneers! Also, check out what your stinkin' phone number spells out! I pretty much just spend my time downloading things from STG. Otherwise, here's a proposed Manishevitz site.

10.05.2004: Pilsen Art-yawn Report: 2004. You know, DanMerk.com was supposed to come to my house on Sunday, but never did. I had planned to give him two free tickets to any Cleveland Public Theatre event, but since he didn't even bother to show up, I'm going to send them to Megan Tempest instead. I wish I had more time to post the pictures from Julia and Chuck's walk from Peoria to Chicago, but I'm going to sleep. Update: If you like the Desperate Bicycles then you'll love my Complete Desperate Bicycles Discography MP3 webpage. Man, I sure am awesome to people who spend a lot of time on the internet. Double Update: I'm not sure if the captions on these Magik Markers tour pictures are funny or not, so I'm gonna mull it over a little longer. Triple Update: Keats manning the fort, oh that's too much.

9/24/04: HUGE YARDSALE: FRIDAY & SATURDAY! CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO. I was really intrigued by the story of Todd R. Baker. Unfortunately the conclusion of the story isn't included on the website, so I wrote the author and asked him what happened. Here's his baffling reply:

I thought long and hard about whether or not to post this on the site. And I came to the conclusion that forewarned is forearmed. You will understand as this story unfolds.

On Fri 3/12/2004 2:41 AM I received this email. (We will not be using last names for this story) However I have permission to print these excerpts.

I enjoy the honesty of your site and before even starting this letter I ask that you keep me COMPLETELY out of your site's content. I am dating Todd Baker. A friend of mine told me about your site and I must say that I am completely shocked. I really don't know what to say. He has told me that:

He was a seal and lost that when he had a bad jump resulting in a knee injury

His parents are filthy rich

Came home from war and wife was pregnant with someone else's child

Promised me a trip to South Padre Island and then it fell through

Falling that was a trip to Cancun

I have really fallen for this guy and I need to know the honest truth and not some vendetta that you have with him. I would really appreciate your honesty and discretion in this matter. I don't care if you post the fact that he has a girlfriend, just please leave my name, location, etc. out of it. I would also appreciate a reply.

Thank You, Samantha

Thinking that this was one of the false claims that I get sometimes I decided to call her out and had Samantha call me. She did. We talked for about half an hour and she was a little distressed by the time we got off the phone and decided to confront Todd about what I had to say.

What I expected happened. He convinced her that I was the liar and he was not. I received and e-mail from her shaming me on my vendetta and that I was going to get the money that was “borrowed”. Well, by this time I was convinced that she was indeed dating Todd and felt the need to contact her again. I gave her Todd’s parent’s phone number and told her not to believe me, she doesn’t even know me BUT to please call his parents and have them tell her EXACTLY what I told her.

It wasn’t much more than a week later that I received another e-mail stating that I was right all along and that Todd was seeking help. More power to him (I still wasn’t holding my breath nor did I see any money). But I had to understand the “Stand by your man” approach that Samantha was taking. Like I have said before, Todd is a charmer. Well apparently things happened that made Samantha press charges for something other than theft or lying against Todd baker, the child molestation of her 3 year old son.

I must start by stating that these accusations/charges at the moment are alleged and that Todd is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. However I did call the police station that Samantha told me that she filed the charges and they do exist. I have talked to her on numerous occasions and personally I believe her. Samantha wrote me a letter on Fri July 2, 04 that she would like included on the site:

My name is Samantha and in April of this year my three year old son came to me with allegations of abuse. He said that his abuser was Todd Baker. At the time I was letting Todd stay with me. He had told me that he been cheated out of a rent house that he had already put money down on. I was a nice person so I told him that he could stay with me until he found a place of his own. Months went by and he kept making excuses about why he had not found a place to stay yet. He never helped out with bills or living expenses. My son started wetting the bed, and acting out in the worst of ways. One night I when I had reached my wits end with my sons new forms of behavior I got on the internet and looked up reason for bed wetting.

Physical and sexual abuse was one of them and for some reason it stayed with me. On the way home from picking my son up from school the next day I asked him if anything inappropriate had been taking place and he told me that Todd had been touching him and hitting him in the stomach. Of course we went straight to the police station and started the appropriate actions.

Todd moved out that night and thankfully I haven’t seen or heard from him in months. I did find out that his is not the first time that Todd has physically abused a child. The sad thing is my son’s abuser will most likely go free as he has before. My son is only three and it's his word against Todd's. All I hope is that somehow by me letting Ted publish this on his site Todd won’t have the chance to hurt another child.

As always I want more proof because if Todd is guilty of these crimes then I want him punished as much as Samantha. You can verify for yourself that there is a pending investigation by calling the Clute County Police Department. I did. I will be asking Samantha for any documents that she has such as the actual statement and the charge. I will only blacken out the last manes to protect the innocent and the minor involved. I assume that there are some people who will read this site and wonder if I made all this up. No I didn’t those that know me know that I am not like that. This really disturbed me greatly and I wanted it public. Still I must conclude this update by once again telling you that there have been no judgments yet and Todd Ronald Baker should be considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Thank you

9/24/04: All of the free stuff from the last post is gone, very sorry. Elisa is listening to hardcore records. Permalink: Sun City Girls - Amherst, MA April 10th. Dan Merk sent me a message that he saw my critique (6/2/04) of his internet website. Later I travelled to Cleveland and was attacked by a group of teenagers in WMMS t-shirts! Maureen Fitzgerald called this website precious. Dude, come to my art party, it's going to be a place where SOMEBODY DIES! John Piche sent this WFMU link to a Mark E. Smith interview. Later, Simon Masterson from the UK wrote in to tell me that Blurt was from the UK as opposed to NYC which I had reported. So I'm all like, "thanks!". I was under the impression that Liz Clayton, my new favorite digital person was going to put my cat on one of her choice webpages, but it TOTALLY didn't happen. I'm going to go take a bunch of pictures of stuff and put them on Craiglist, l8rs. Update: TODAY ONLY - GIGANTOR HOUSE SALE!

9/20/04: Two things that are free: crummy CD collection (includes Can's Flow Motion!) and a Throbbing Gristle trenchcoat. Simply write to the contact address below with your shipping address and a brief but detailed paragraph about race relations in the United States. Also, include which item you want.

9/16/04: Colin: I've been hella busy lately (and I only say 'hella' because you're totally from California) and the only Desperate Bicycle tracks I could find were Advice On Arrest, Smokescreen & Grief Is Very Private. I have a whole CD of stuff laying about somewhere, I just can't find the darned thing. Megan Tempest is from Cleveland and said to look at the Hotel Bruce website. I've known Megan for nearly 20 years and we talk a lot about food and life and stuff. Why didn't anybody buy my Throbbing Gristle trench coat? I dunno. Update: Carly Oishi, Ole!

9/07/04: Teenage inhalant use is up, sources say. Just when I had given up on the youth of today, they come along and do something pleasantly surprising. Kudos! I've been so into the Livejournal random image generator that I've begun to save my favorite pictures. Also, here are some pictures from my 3,500 mile rental car trip two weeks ago. Here's a video of Sonic Youth called "Expressway To That Dude's Skull". Here's another video called "The Gross". Update: Last friday Dave, Elisa & I placed a fake Casual Encounter ad on Craigslist offering free action from a semi-attractive girl. Then we told the would-be recipients to go to the apartment across the street from my house with a bottle of wine and a dozen eggs. Then we sat and watched as they arrived and knocked on the door for up to 20 minutes. I wasn't sure if it was funny or mean, but it was easy to decide after LAUGHING MY FOOL HEAD OFF for hours afterward. Dave had his car towed the next day. Elisa spent the day throwing up. I'm still waiting for my pay back. I'd show you some pictures, but they're just of dudes and their parts.

9/02/04: I went to Atlanta and ate some boiled peanuts. Also, Jamie and I recorded our black metal record yesterday. It's called Witchduck. Here's a picture of the cover. Here are samples of each track: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9. It's a limited edition of 7, so I'm only giving away one. First one to send an email to the contact address on the far right gets it. Otherwise they're $20. Also, I've been mucking about with redesigning this site, but I care less and less about it. I'd rather spend the time cleaning the bathroom or making squash soup. Oh and I'll probably only be receiving mail at the new address on the right. Also, I broke my wrist playing badminton.

8/14/04: Please view my new internet webpage here.

8/09/04: Last night I went to see the new Metallica movie, BECAUSE I HAD TO! While I was looking for pictures of James Hetfield, I came across some pretty excellent websites such as this one and this one. When I was a teenager and lived in Ohio, my basement bedroom was infested with centipedes that smelled minty when they were smashed. Check out this video of me smashing a bunch of them! If you like the Fall, you might like to listen to The Fall Covers Tape that I've recently uploaded to el internet. FREE ART GIVEAWAY: Be the first person to write to this address and win a hamburger painting (12" circle) from this picture. Please specify color and include the address that you want it sent to. Drew Blood sent in this choice picture of a rare braided mega-long rat tail - LONG LIVE DREW BLOOD! Update: if you were wondering, this was me. Geez! Double Update: METALLICA!

8/01/04: It's come to my attention that having a website is dorky, but don't worry: I'M ONLY KIDDING. Becci Wiltz is in Washington, but recently went to Iowa and ate a lot of food at a retirement center, where she enjoyed BBQ pizza from a box. Zed Smith hit a whollop of a triple today in softball, and also sent this rad link, thanks man! Jeff "Derek Didn't Marry My Wife And I" Waggoner hung out by the keg with me last night, and found this drawing at Roberto Clemente High School, HE WAS A VERY FAMOUS BASEBALL PLAYER (not just a high school). I seriously spend a lot of time looking at the Livejournal Random Images Generator (seriously, I hit refresh at least 25 times and keep on looking at all of those pictures of teenagers and quizilla conclusions, etc.), Colin Tappe est #1!

EXCLUSIVE! PREDICTIONS FOR AUGUST 2004:

1. Somebody famous will die. I mean, really famous.

2. Pregnant jogger? The husband did it. Also NEW MATTRESS!

3. Over 70 people will die in a highly publicised entertainment tragedy.

4. My car will have a major malfunction.

5. One of the readers of this website will find a tidy sum of money ($30-$150).

You know what's really funny? Pictures of people modeling clothing on eBay. Like, really! Have a look here, or here, or even here. Or heck, have a look here! And if somebody can convince this guy to come to my house, I WILL TOTALLY BEAT HIM UP! Update: Not yet on the hotmix page, Jamie D. and I compiled some sweet MP3 mixes last week, be the first to get them: MIX #1 & MIX #2 (tracklist coming soon). Double Update: Remember playing Oregon Trail in elementary school? Remember the time that I posted the emulator and the original game so you could play it all day at work? Yes, you do and you're welcome. Triple Update: I'm from Cleveland, and this website about punker music from Cleveland (THANKS ELISA!) is the absolute best thing in the entire world, except for when my mother would cook sunnyside-up eggs in bacon grease when I was a youngster. That was just a little tiny bit better. I love you, mom! Sell all of your birds!

7/21/04: Everybody that knows me is aware that I'm a strict vegetarian. America's reliance on meat rich diets has revolted me as an early teenager. I implore anybody who is still vile enough to consume meat to watch PETA's latest anti-KFC video (narrated by Bea "MILF-tastic" Arthur!) and see if it's not enough to send you over the edge into a bark and gravel vegan diet. On a light note, I went to Wisconsin last weekend to kill and eat fish, check out the pictures here! Here's a video of some fish beating, and one of some fish cutting, and one of the local kooky entertainer Bobby Pitts singing Help at the Dairy Maid in Land O' Lakes. Also, me & flashlight saying "clerks". Update: The first person to write an email including your name and address here will win a paperback copy of this fascinating book TOTALLY FREE OF COST! Double Update: Volume 7's designs on the sticker switch website are so fucking boss that I want to drown in a pool of molten lead.

7/15/04: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Update: Chicago automobile city stickers just went up $30, whoa heavy. New wave of Canadian heavy metal, GOAT HORN FOREVER! Double Update: Danzig gets the heavy beat-down and now he calls it quits? L-O-S-E-R!

7/01/04: Julia and I went to Great America yesterday, shit was mildly amusing. Be sure to check out the videos on the bottom of the page, they're partially BORING! Update: 4th of July & Emily's birthday party at the Milk Factory after a quick game of softball, I'M GOING TO PUKE ON THE FLAG (oops, just kidding). America = #1! Beastie Boys forever! (or something), I have to go to work. "Mary-Kate & Food" - GEEZ, IT'S JUST A JOKE.

6/28/04: "Mary-Kate & Food" - GEEZ, IT'S JUST A JOKE. Apparently there's a Hamburger day in Akron, Ohio. Thanks to Mike Cook, I know about it. Also, happy way belated birthday to Matt H. in Indiana - 23 is still young, PREPARE TO DIE! Dude, and Kathy K. is getting married! I've been so obsessed with the I Love Music & I Love Everything boards, also I think lot of regular contibuters already TOTALLY HATE ME! Colin Tappe: have you heard the Meat Puppets live show from 1981 on the Live Repository website? Good gravy! Also, why do I find this picture totally awesome? HAS ANYBODY NOTICED HOW THIS WEBSITE HAS BECOME REALLY UNINSPIRED? Then, I went to Ohio and James drew a picture of Nico and taped it to his window and his friend Angelo has a missing toe as well as this video of Angelo's father getting out of a chair. Later, I peed in a hot-tub. UPDATED PAGE: Hex Re-duction Hour with a live The Fall show from 1982. Also, check out the TOTALLY UNEVENTFUL interview with Lindsey Akin! Dude, I saw Fahrenheit 9/11! And you know what? It was a lot like Poltergeist 2! Every uppity privileged internet snob who has Gmail invites is giving them out like they're tickets to the afterlife, I have 3 and will give them all to the first person who calls me on the telephone and sings all of the words to "Erotic City" by Prince. My phone number is 312.666.2183. DON'T BE DUMB! Update: The most searched phrase that brings visitors to this website is "The Strokes". Who knew?

6/23/04: My meager addition to the mighty corndogs.org - Minutemen @ Mother's Junction in Kent, Ohio 4/23/85: Cut, Number One Hit Song, Search, Static, Take Our Test, The Anchor, Tour Spiel & Firehose @ O'cayz Corral in Madison, Wisconsin 5/14/90: First 1/2, Second 1/2.

6/18/04: Alarmed by the thread on I Love Music, I certainly didn't think that those shavers would identify my secret song list. It turns out that Ian Knox from San Francisco pulled it off! Way to go Ian, THE CHECK IS ON THE WAY! Below, you'll find the winning list. Also, apparently I'm an internet stalker! Yeesh, some people!

1 "third uncle" - brian eno
2 "in the mouth a desert" - pavement
3 "I Don't Wanna Go Down to the Basement" - the ramones
4 "monk time" - monks
5 jaws theme - john williams
6 "on the surface" - pere ubu
7 "heart of the sunrise" - yes
8 "gangsta gangsta" - nwa
9 "metal machine music" - lou reed
10 "Heaps of Sheeps" - robert wyatt
11 "catholic education" - teenage fanclub
12 "richie dagger's crime" - the germs
13 "orange skies" - love
14 "Cunt Tease" - Pussy Galore
15 "freed pig" - sebadoh
16 "cough cool" - misfits
17 "lucky" - smack dab
18 "film music" - family fodder
19 "pork roll egg and cheese" - ween
20 "another state of mind" - social distortion
21 "Just Got Paid" - rapeman
22 "satan is real" - louvin brothers
23 "cortez the killer" - neil young
24 "senses working overtime" - xtc
25 "Who's got the crack" - moldy peaches
26 "sweet young thing ain't sweet no more" - mudhoney
27 "i am the fly" - wire
28 "new town" - the slits
29 "Adult Books" - X
30 "'cross the breeze" - sonic youth
31 "pop life" - prince
32 "that joke isn't funny anymore" - the smiths
33 "velouria" - pixies
34 "Shake Appeal" - stooges
35 "you're my best friend" - queen
36 "answering machine" - the replacements
37 "reelin in the years" - steely dan
38 "Creeping Death" - metallica
39 "lithium" - nirvana
40 "isobel" - unrest
41 "neon lights" - kraftwerk
42 "runnin' with the devil" - van halen
43 "femme fatale" - velvet underground
44 "rocket usa" - suicide
45 "cold-blooded old times" - smog
46 "Flim" - aphex twin
47 "can't you hear me knocking" - rolling stones
48 "Kandy Korn" - beefheart
49 "god in an alcove" - bauhaus
50 "hey" - butthole surfers
51 "be my wife" - david bowie
52 "you're full of shit" - electric eels
53 "spoon" - can
54 "pow r toc h" - pink floyd
55 "zoo music girl" - birthday party
56 "we don't need it" bad brains
57 "we are glass" - gary numan
58 "rise above" - black flag
59 "she cracked" - modern lovers
60 "requiem" - killing joke

Sunday June 06, 2004 President Ronald Reagan is dead. FINALLY!

Wednesday June 02, 2004

I'll give $4 to the person who can tell me what movie is playing in these pictures. Really, no fooling. I simply have to know.

Totally buy my stuff:

"What To Do & How To Do It" Book Chicago 1909

Craftsman 1945 Tilden Tech Yearbook Chicago, IL

12 TinTin Comic Book Lot - Herge Jo & Zette AWESOME!

10 Mojo Magazine Lot Beach Boys, Radiohead, OOP!

10 Woodcuts By Noemi Schindler Printed In Israel 1969

Dennis Rodman Rubber Mask - Chicago Bulls RAD!

Old Man "Mark E. Smith" Rubber Mask The Fall

Crumpled-Up Ronald Reagan Rubber Mask RARE!

Extra Scary Devil Gnome Troll Mask DEATH TO ALL!

Clear Red Swatch Phone Telephone Vision Gator!

Friday, May 28, 2004:

Woman: Milio's
Me: Yes...will you be open...on Monday?
Woman: Not this Monday.
Me: Because of Memorial Day?
Woman: Yes.
Me: As a tribute, to the veterans.
Woman: Yes.
Me: No hair will be cut....or shaped.
Woman: Correct.
Me: I applaud you. Kudos.

(click)

I've been getting some messages lately about not updating my internet website. I'm in the middle of moving. I have a whole heap of stuff I have to do. Really, I'm sorry I can't provide you with some free entertainment at my expense. Take, take, take. In the meantime, feel free to visit some of the internet websites that I visit on a regular basis. There's also some others that I've just discovered recently. Otherwise I'm going to be putting things in packages and sorting junk from non-junk. If you have a line on a choice apartment, please let me know. I'll give you my leaky-eyed cat in trade.

Sparkwood & 21: A blog that I somehow discovered written by a clever and witty girl who includes the good parts of life and leaves out the bad parts. Sometimes she complains about her body, which is silly to do over the, you know, internet.

Live Journal - alchea: Alyce is my friend. I've known her for a couple of years. I find her posts darling and interesting and aesthetically tidy. She's moving and that's a bummer. Also, she like The Slits & Kleenex. And stuff.

Live Journal - saint_rusczyk: Eric is a teenager from Washington State and we've talked on the phone a few times. He's pretty wacky and messed up and funny and mean, kinda like I was at his age. I fear I may have gotten him into DXM, and if that's the case brother, take care of yourself.

Inner-Workings Of An Overwrought Mind: I can't remember where I met Carly, but she brought a whole bunch of rad gifts to my birthday party. She's really funny and super-critical and does a whole lot of complaining. She gets mad about things like 'yellow fever' and then points out people who have fat asses. She's welcome at my table ALL OF THE TIME.

Sharpeworld: The reason I started making funny things for the inter-web is Sharpeworld. Back from haitus, Jennifer Sharpe is snap-quick and as perfect as they come.

Mondo Chicago: Takes place in my neighborhood & consists mainly of 30-something women rappin' about world events and motorcycles and pets and men and stuff.

Live Journal - bloggrrrl: This person IMd me once. Her blog mainly consists of her hatred of the president and his current administation. Her daughter is totally good looking, not that I'm looking or anything.

Craigslist Chicago: I really like the free stuff page, I think it's awesome.

Randomly Ever After: Gus is totally a totally boring psuedo-intellectual who makes terrible music and awful art. His life at Big Fun is totally enviable, but now he's just a dull adult living in New York. I've read nearly every word of this website, which says a whole lot about me.

Dan Merk: I used to skateboard with this guy at the Great Northern Mall parking lot in the 80s. His blog is mostly complaining and dorky tech-talk which includes home brewing (pffft) and 'art-food' recipes. Sometimes he gets really self-critical and it's a TOTAL LAUGH RIOT. Has a cushy job with his dad and takes a lot of trips, so you'll find a ton of 'out the window of an airplane' photos. Also, TERRIBLE SPELLING.

Colin Toke: A link from Dan Merk, I marvel at how mundane Colin's blog is. He'll write entries like "Sunday I got up early to get some furnature from my aunts, put in a new sump-pump for Jodi and accomplished some other home-type stuff." HOLY SHIT! THAT'S AN ACTUAL QUOTE!

Vendio Community: A message board where people write in about eBay auctions. Like, whoa.

Odd Little Duck: Annie didn't find what I wrote about her at all funny, so I took it down. And geez, I didn't even think it was bad at all!

Happy Playground: Christine Taylor is a photographer from Seattle now living in Chicago. I met her for 5 minutes yesterday and got the impression that she may be a bit of a scenester. Also, what kind of photographer comes from Seattle and doesn't have a picture of Shannon Kringen in her portfolio? For shame.

I certainly could continue posting to this site everyday, but I'm sure the entries would turn into things like, "Woke up late, washed forks, ate a Fig Newton, looked at counter, cat meowed so I petted her, went to art opening, went home". But I just don't simply have the time. I can tell you this, I'M GOING TO HAVE AN EXTRA BOSS HOUSE SALE KEGGER SOON. Thanks for continuing to read this internet website.

Also, if you're on Friendster: FUCKING ADD ME. Jerk.

05.11.04 I went to a party across the street from my house last night. It was about 2am when we got there. As soon as we walked in the door, we were greeted by a husky raver girl. The conversation went like this: Husky Raver Girl: It's $5 to come in. Me: In here? To your party? Husky Raver Girl: It's $5 to watch the skateboard video. Me: Is there any coke here? Husky Raver Girl: What? Me: If we give you $5 can we get some coke? Husky Raver Girl: No, there's no coke here. Me: So, I guess we should leave and come back with some coke. Husky Raver Girl: No, don't come back with any coke. But you do have to go. At that point I reached over to her face and put my fingers in her mouth. She got really mad at us and followed us out of the house. When we got back to Todd's house, I called the police and said there was a loud party with drugs and fighting. I've been doing a lot of spring cleaning and came across a bag of human teeth. The first person who writes here can have whichever they want. Just send your address and the number of the tooth that you want. I'm only giving away one though, human teeth are awesome! Update: I got a gigantor rent increase, so I'm moving out of Pilsen. It's getting kind of weird here anyway, some guy last night said something like, "I hope you enjoyed your stay here in the Pilsen neighborhood." Dude, like I've been here for 5 years. Not only that, but 18th and Halsted isn't even Pilsen! It's Pilsen Heights! If anybody knows of a choice apartment deal, please let me know. Dude, somebody call me on the phone! Double Update: Hey George, let's go to Cair Paravel.

04.30.04 RJXP is all like, listen to this. Colin Tappe sent in these two (1 & 2) straight edge tattoo video montages (?), like eeeks! TrueTillDeath.com is one of the most awesome websites in internetville and I'm finding that Youth Crew Hardcore is much more surreal than Whitehouse or Costes or any wacky modern artist could ever be. It is for this reason that you SIMPLY MUST BUY MY STR8 EDGE YOUTH CREW PAINTING ON EBAY. Wayward Wendi Koontz sent in these awesome pictures from the days of yore: Me with Mark E. Smith 1993, Me with Giant Middle Finger. Her illustrations totally own. While you're wasting all of your time downloading stuff from internetburg, get this awesome compu-human voice translator thingy that I'm giving away for a limited time. While this article is extra-long, it's a total laugh riot, thanks DMYS! Matt Ottley plays drums in the RAGING Crime Desire (their latest single for "We Hate All Life" ABSOLUTELY WINS) and sent along this Tron Costume link. Dude, thanks a gaggle. Update: I just listened to Judge's "I've Lost" for the 25th time in the last two hours. THE INTERNET LIVES FOREVER!

04.29.04 Please buy my Str8 Edge Youth Crew Painting on eBay. Heck while you're at it, CHECK OUT ALL OF MY ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AUCTIONS!

04.26.04 Two weeks ago I went (drove) to Connecticut for a funeral, but stayed for The Gladtree Festival at Hampshire college in Amherst, MA. Essentially it was a total beard party, with bespeckled students rubbing their chins & a dinner break that consisted of vegan potluck steak, chicken, rice & carrots. I was mostly sick the whole time, but ventured out of the car to catch the Magic Markers & Sun City Girls sets, which were both boss. otherwise I was reading Flowers In The Attic and eating Peanut M&Ms in a rented car and listening to Sleep. A couple of weeks before this, Dave P. and I drove through alleys and ran over garbage cans. Earlier today I fought my cat with my shirt sleeves. Yesterday I sold some art at the WLUW Record Fair where I ate some chili dogs and wrote dumb things on the back of paintings. This guy was there as well. Later in the evening The Fall played at The Metro. I bought tickets for $27.50, but apparently they were later given away in mass amounts and the place was still empty. For The Mighty Fall! Can you believe it? We got there at 11:30pm, when the show started because we wanted to see The Ponys, who proved to be pretty good at first, but suffered from The Metro's 'shitty sound for the opening bands' policy. Then they got pretty boring and long winded. eLisa and I later ate some ice cream at Wrigley(s)ville Dogs. eLisa is with whom I went to CT with, and I stuck my head out of the window on the return trip home. I also met her parents and we ate ham for Easter dinner. Also, she brought a box of youth crew records back to Chicago. Oh, after The Ponys, and before The Fall, a band called Shesus took the stage. Shesus was much like the holocaust, which from what I read was pretty terrible. I took this picture of Shesus on stage, and the singer hanging out by the merch table to remind myself the next time I'm straddling the old suicidal fence on why exactly I can keep on living. They had a lot of 'rock moves' and their songs were clumsily arranged. I spent most of the time between songs yelling, 'TUNE TO STOP PLAYING!' & 'HOLY SHIT, SHUT THE FUCK UP!'. For these tasks, somebody bought me a beer. Soon after, the stage was cleared off and an office table & stately leather chair were brought out for The Mighty Limping Fall. After 2 and a half hours of intro music, MES and the gang stormed (stumbled onto) the stage for a blistering set starting with Boxoctosis. The rest was all wonderful and stuff, with typical uninvited knob twiddling and MES mumbling and out of tuneness, but also including the tracks 15 Ways, Mr. Pharmacist, Janet Vs. Johnny, Mere Pseud Mag Editor's Father, Theme From Sparta & more, plus a wonderful version of Middle Mass which was sung from backstage. MES sat at the table for 2/3 of the show, and Todd Curtis said it looked a whole lot like a press conference. During the last track, after White Lightning, some scruffy british guy came out and gave me (!) a microphone into which I sang Mike's Love Xexagon with the regular singer of The Fall. I didn't know any of the words, so I just made some noises and then gave the mic to the girl behind me. She just laughed a little and then the show ended and it was 6am so we beat up the drummer from Shesus. On the way home we talked about the Texas cough syrup hip-hop scene, and then I went to bed. Update: Afrika SUV. Double Update: This or this? Triple Update: What does Henry Rollins buy on eBay? I dunno.

04.22.04 Please come to the WLUW Record Fair this weekend, where I will be selling coffee mugs and staplers that I have totally decorated with sequins and lightening bolts and panthers, because THAT STUFF IS SO POPULAR RIGHT NOW. Also, Stevie Panovich sent along this link to a gnarley article that he wrote about the 'early 90s Kent State Indie Rock scene' that is so wonderfully delightful that I don't even remember saying any of the things that I'm quoted as saying. Did I really say, "listening to a whole lot of Fugazi and sort of emulating that..."? Yes, more than likely. You want to know why? RETARD CITY, POPULATION ME. The article is quite choice, otherwise. Update: Colin Tappe was all like, check out this band called Ragmen, but then he was like, totally joking.

04.17.04 This one is for Colin Tappe. This one is for me. Update: The money will roll right in.

04.09.04 Haiti is a developing nation where dogs and naked children run free. Water comes in little plastic bags and everything costs a fraction of a cent. I went there and drank Prestige Beer and half-slept through nights of crowing roosters and yelling teenagers. Please view my exploits here. Update: Why does everybody hate Bob Seger? Also once again: TIME CUBE. Double Update: Leni Sinclair photo show at the Sound Gallery. Dag y'all, that shit's gonna win.

04.05.04 Full Haiti run-down coming Wednesday. Until then, preview these sweet files: "Giant Dead Dog On The Beach Photograph"; "Huge Picture Of Garbage" & "Derek Banging Human Skull Against A Wall Video". What happened to Bob Mould? Is he insane or something? Also, did you see that photojournal from Chernobyl? It's boss! Update: I'd like to spend more time on this website, but nearly every waking moment of my day is devoted to the sheer intelligence that is the Encyclopedia Metallica Message Boards. Oh, brother. Double Update: Two new hot mixes, dig them.

03.22.04 Do you like rap music? Do you like to heave a hearty laugh? Have a listen to WCS - you'd be a fool not to. Really. YOU'LL LOVE IT. Check out some of my recent emails, THEY'RE AWESOME. Also, look at this list of referrals. Update: Sorry it took me so long to update, I've been eating, AGAIN. Double Update: Check out Jim Newberry's new website, I'M ON IT! Also, check out this website of Wesley Willis' art, I'M ON IT! Triple Update: I went to a (gasp) bachelor party last week and got GOBS of GROSS hidden camera stripper footage - the first 5 people who write to this address get a free CD of this 'mayhem' (note: it's NOT VERY APPEALING, unless you're into that sort of thing).

03.09.04 Courtesy S. Lloyd Natof: Boob Cursor. Here's another Colin Tappe masterpiece: a review of the first DLR LP. Here's a run-down on the Wesley Willis drawings that I own. RXJP sent me a link to this, which is run by her, who took me to my first Cubs game. I got this message regarding an eBay auction for a laserdisc. Which leads us to Geoff Atkinson's baby in a coffin photo. Also, Darla Patterson sent this tacky (that I would post it) but telling excerpt from a clinic journal. Whoa. Update: Sorry this addition is so full of death and nudity. Perhaps this page of Joanna Newsom MP3s will make up for it. Heck, I dunno what you people want anymore. Double Update: Oops, I forgot.

03.03.04 Dude, Joyce Carol Oates!

03.01.04 Prank calling record stores: "Eddie Money", "Pocketfull Of Carbonite", "CP on CD", "That's Bullshit", "Titles From The Future", "12 Hour Power Mix" & "I Am Phil Cohran". Via RJXP: Columbine Paintball! Travis Moneta sent along this aged but also funny eBay Feedback Profile link.

02.23.04 I like to call this video "Washing The Cat". I like to call this video "Washing The Cat A Little More". Update: Via Matt Granstom: Black Metal photography exhibit. Double Update: Q: What's red & yellow and looks good on a hippie? A: Fire.

02.19.04 Oh, wow. Thanks John. Update: All the free stuff has been claimed.

02.11.04 Here's a video of me rolling down a flight of stairs. Here's a bunch of stuff I found in the garbage on the way to rolling down the stairs. YOU WILL BID on these outstanding eBay auctions: "Paris Hilton & Gameboy", "Paris Hilton & Skillet" & "Paris Hilton & Henry Kissinger". The first person to send an email here will win $3 in cash. The first 2 people to write here will win a free 12" white or grey cat art thingy. Here's some other drawings available for free: "Mind Pong", "Chaise Lounge (w/ Ball Bag)" & "Tawny Kitaen". Play the "Bomb Game" (Link courtesy Eric 'In The Army' Wise). Check out this rap-tastic email that I received last week! John Piche sent a link to the youth crew presidental candidate & "imaginary girlfriends" on eBay, and I've been pretend humping one all week! Courtesy Mike Dixon(!): Dio For America. Whoa, Prank Call Central. Update: How Colin Tappe finds time to write the most brilliant essays on what most people would consider 'pointless' is beyond me, I just tend to worship him. Fuck. Yes.

01.22.04 Please buy this Radiohead & Coldplay Concert poster on eBay. The concert may take place in July in 2005 at The Weiner Circle. It's not technically rare yet, because it has yet to be made, but once it is made and then the show happens (which will be really popular) the posters will disappear and then it will be really collectible. If somebody is willing to pay $28.50 for the Simone Waters CD (?) then somebody will certainly want to buy a concert poster from the future. Update: Happy Birthday, George. Double Doubler: Via Mike Dixon(!): If you're going to Skate Church, then you gots to follow the rules.

01.20.04 If'n you haven't read the interview with Stu Cook about recording with Roky Erickson in the 70s and 80s, then that simply means that you haven't read it. I understand things literally. I'm not a dummy, you know. That link was sent to me by Tim Gilbride (who also sent along the wonderful 'Difficult Fun' radio show a few months back). He's also hipped me to this page of pictures of the surface of Venus taken by a spacecraft called a Venera built by Russian Scientist Don Mitchell. These pictures, taken under extremely high temperatures as well as crushing atmospheric pressure make the recent Mars Rover pictures look like pictures taken by a Mars Rover. Get it, I'm being literal again! Oh, I'm too much. Listen to this voicemail message I recently received! It's just somebody saying, "No, no, no, no, no.". And then listen to this voicemail message! And then Steve Panovich sent this one, so you should listen to it as well! El Update: Since Jayme "Bratwurst" Brotsos sent some pictures of women driving that he found on Friendster, I guess I'm obligated to update THE INTERNET'S BEST WEBSITE. Did I just say that? Why yes I did.

01.13.04 Am I brilliant? I can't even tell anymore. Update: "vagina & vitamin, sticker & Kinko's". Double Update: Check out this 'war-tastic' internet link via Jim "Greco-Roman" Newberry! Eddie Smalling says, "Boobs" and "Beer". Pictures of "The Colonel" from Dustin Drase: #1 & #2. Triple Update: Julia Rickert's RMS Autograph Book from Peoria 1991-1992. It's good reading, to say the last. Unless you like The Cure, of course. Update #4: I've probably failed to mention that the Hex Enduction Hour page is now stock-full of The Fall live from Middlesboro 1979 & Leeds 1981 MP3s. But I haven't failed to mention it anymore, because I just did.

01.10.04 Calling all cars, it's a FREE MONEY ALERT! I've hidden a bunch of rolls of coins adding up to over (gasp!) $10 in a plastic Dominick's bag in some snow in the small yard next to my house. The first person that gets it will have tons of coins! How lucky you will be! Now hurry along! Update: A lot of people often ask me what I do at work. Here's a good example. Here's another example! Double Update: Do not attempt to win this eBay auction, it's all mine. In fact, I'm getting two! Update Update Update: Even with lack of updates, apparently women-drivers is the internet's best website! I win!

12.31.03 Unichronicles #3 & The Knife. It'll probably be a bad year. Good luck.

01.10.04 Calling all cars, it's a FREE MONEY ALERT! I've hidden a bunch of rolls of coins adding up to over (gasp!) $10 in a plastic Dominick's bag in some snow in the small yard next to my house. The first person that gets it will have tons of coins! How lucky you will be! Now hurry along! Update: A lot of people often ask me what I do at work. Here's a good example. Here's another example! Double Update: Do not attempt to win this eBay auction, it's all mine. In fact, I'm getting two! Update Update Update: Even with lack of updates, apparently women-drivers is the internet's best website! I win!

12.31.03 Unichronicles #3 & The Knife. It'll probably be a bad year. Good luck.

12.29.03 Sometimes, when I fall asleep with my CD player on, I'm awaken in the middle of the night by CB transmissions from the freeway that is 1455 feet from my house. This morning it was a man's voice saying what I thought was, "Yes, I think I'm going to kill that girl." I was immediately out of bed and worried, but after I remember that I killed and ate a lobster last night, I settled down and went back to sleep. Update: Eating lobster made my pee smell funny. Double Update: Remember when Kurt Cobain said, 'It's ok to eat fish because they don't have any feelings'? Is that true? And also, how would he know? Was he some sort of grunge-scientist with Powder-like (as in, the movie) super-powers? Triple Update: Remember when Kurt Cobain said, 'I hate myself and want to die'? He was totally serious about that! Update Number 4: Did you get an iPod as a holiday gift? Add these MP3s of my recent voicemail messages to your playlist for an out-of-this-world experience! #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7. You're welcome!

12.27.03 Books are all gone. I'll be in Portland, OR for the next 4 days. Word to my mother. Update: No, really. Mom, if you're reading this, what's up?

12.25.03 In existence for 9 hours, "It's OK To Be A Man" is a masculinist coloring book.

It is an edition of 56 and numbers 6-10 will be given away for free to the first 5 people who write here with their mailing address. 18 pages total, and believe me, it's quite a laugh-a-thon. It's my holiday gift to you.

12.24.03 Remember when I used to show the referrals to this website? I liked when I did that. I though it was funny. Here's a new one. The best part about quitting this website for a week is that my traffic actually increased. I'm sorry I made all that stuff up about having a baby and then had a picture showing me dead from a pill overdose. I actually had gotten really involved with Scientology, and then a group of my friends got together and totally deprogrammed me. That shit was awesome! Update: I liked this journal entry by Eric Wise where he calls me a 'total pussy' and an 'ass face' so much, that I decided to take the same quiz from his 12/22 entry, because I have more time than money, holmes. I still have a painting for you, ding-dong.

12.15.03 Please read recent information about this website here. There are lots of nice and interesting things on that internet webpage.

12.11.03 Have you been stealing from your favorite music artists by downloading MP3s? Lisa Bennett says "Send them back!". Wintery Pilsen Art Walk this weekend, stop by and have a can of beer or 9. Update: I got interviewed by The Sun Times tonight and they asked what type of people read my website. I answered, "Heavy hearted types and self-destructive weirdos. Oh, and really smart people!" Then I paused for a second and said, "Pumpernickel". It should run on Monday, so go out and don't get a copy.

12.10.03 You've heard about this flu going around? Well I have it and it's awesome! You know what else is great? Pleghm! Mine's a mixture of green and yellow and now I'm to the point where I'm just blowing my nose into my shirt. And then I read that if you have this flu really bad that your veins collapse and then you die. FUCKING OUT OF SIGHT! Thanks a lot Jesus! Happy birthday to me! Update: Happy birthday Jim Newberry! Double Update: Somebody please win this eBay auction for me, and then I'll totally pay you back.

12.08.03 Things to look at: "A Friend's Birthday", new mini-movies: "Why My Cat Hates Me", "The Magician's Card Trick" & "The Magician's Dancing Girlfriend". Check out this picture of the spooky black metal full moon that was lurking tonight. Booze + camera = party pics: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10, #11, #12, #13, #14. Please take a moment to read this email that I received from an old friend of my mother, it's well worth it. Update: Not only did Colin Tappe recently transcribe an old Intergrity interview from an old Blood Book, but he's also the singer in Crime Desire, which wins all the time.

12.04.03 My father, who works at Jiffy-Lube just told me that they're working on an oil filter that dissolves after 3,000 miles. I'm just kidding. I don't know my father, but I do know he's an asshole. The elusive Lisa Bennett sent this link to a mysterious 'goth rock collective' that might have had something to do with Wendy's founder Dave Thomas' death. I mean, maybe but not really. Nontheless, they are definitely cyber-satanic. Via Gregg Sundin: Swanson Hungry Man Dinners, Slag (Chicago readers take note!) & Alchemy. Gregg is my friend from Seattle. We listened to the Germs and drank cans of beer while setting up computer networks. That shit was awesome! If you ever need plastisol inks, call this place and ask for Brent. He's the kink (get it, like 'king ink '!). Update: Why do I find pleasure when I see a car being towed that has it's hazard lights on? Child abuse, perhaps? Double Update: Please come to my party or buy me gifts. A magician will be there!

12.03.03 I took a picture at the post office. A security guard said, "Hey, you can't be taking pictures in here." I replied "I can't, as in it's not possible?". He then said, "You can't be taking pictures in here." So then I said, "Well, I did, so it is possible." He got kind of mad and said, "You are not allowed to take picture in here!" I answered, "Are you going to confiscate my camera?" He replied, "No, I'm not." So, I said, "Well, it sounds to me like this meeting is adjourned." Being an adult with the mind of a child is f-u-c-k-i-n-g-a-w-e-s-o-m-e. Update: The Knife hipped me to The Kids Show pilot, which is probably the absolutely funniest thing I've ever seen. Watch it a million times. In a row. Over and over again. Double Update: Come to my birthday party or buy me presents. You choose!

12.02.03 Carly Lauren recently received a pretty boss message from Match.com describing Asian women as 'cocoa butter'. It's got me thinking that I'm probably a 'mayonnaise' person, and most of my friends are 'pork chop' people. Matt Granstrom sent me this link described as 'some troubling art'. Happy birthday to The Knife, who is a maker of 'troubling art'. How great is my job when my boss allows me to get away with shit like this? Whoa, I totally paid off my student loans! Updates have been seldom and lame due to my upcoming birthday party. If you can't make it, at least send a gift.

12.01.03 I'd hoped for a full update as well, but I was in a terrible car accident on the way home from a movie tonight. I did have energy to scan some of my body fluids and update the The Knife Page. Otherwise, I'm going to the hospital tomorrow, because I'm pretty sure I've broken my right leg. Update: Who would win in a fight, Brittney Gilbert or Darkthrone?

11.25.03 My friend Kori used to get lust-charged e-mails from the leader of North Korea. Now that he's dead, you can read them here. Looking for some snappy graphic design work? Try The Blonde Recluse! I got a copy of the unedited official Michael Jackson web statement, and it's extra good reading. Dustin Drase is so awesome, he's arranged for a magician to perform at my birthday party. You ought come. If you cannot make it, here's a list of items that you can buy and send in as thanks to how nice I am. For those about to sell a bunch of Pink Floyd CD cases with REM's Monster inside of them, I salute you. Via king Gregg Sundin: a list of words & phrases trademarked by McDonald's. I'd always wanted to put together a list of spam-mail subject headers, but the guy at witchbeam beat me to it. Mindi sent me a link to Grouphug.us awhile back. Thanks Mindi! Update: I'm going to Streetsboro, Ohio to shove my face full of food. If you find yourself in the same area, email me. I know where they throw away pornographic magazines with the covers torn off.

11.22.03 The Rossington Collins Hot Mix. Learn it. Know it. Live it.

11.19.03 The Bird & Beard is in the woods. It's where people go when they are "off their horse". You can listen to the song here, but you should look at the pictures while you listen to the song. Update: Beard & Bird!

11.18.03 I've updated the Pilsen Fire page to include more pictures at higher resolution as well as a video. Have a bleedin' look. Odd coincidence, Doug Stephen's roomate was outside during the fire, and I had already known that he is in the band called Manishevitz. After getting to work the next day, Raissa Scheller told me how great "Grammar Bell And The All Fall Down" by Manishevitz was, so we listened to it a bunch of times and I totally agreed. I told Doug how much I liked the CD and he tipped me off to their new release "City Life". So, aside from Devendra Banhart every now and again, I just listen to "City Life". It's a perfect melding of 70s & 00s, and I can't really say much more than all of the glowing press on el interweb has already said. You can buy the whole catalog from Jagjaguwar, which I think would be a good idea for you to do. Michael Krassner is all over the new CD, and I think he recorded some Beauty Pageant songs ages ago. He put out some solo records a few years back which are totally pick-up-able. Updated: I'm beginning to loathe 'personal thought' blog-type writing (like the entry above) and was happy to see a website called blogcritics.org because I thought they'd have an edge on making fun of such things. On the contrary, it turns out to be just another crummy website catering to digital-age shitheadism as evidenced by this terribly written live music review. Double Update: Speaking of music, check out this Chinese website dedicated to Jordy & the lyrics to the Super Bowl Shuffle.

11.17.03 No more free paintings. Here's a bunch of links from Gregg Sundin, because I'm too lazy to come up with good content: We'll move on to some sweet street justice as a serial flasher gets his ass kicked by a bunch of girls! Here's a story about a 7-year-old boy and a neighbor's pit bull. And it ain't what you're thinkin.' Dude, I hear the acoustics are really good in prison! Final follow-up on rapper Big Lurch (Big Lunch, more like). Looks like a life sentence for killing his roommate and eating part of her lung. Cool pix of cartoon-character popcicles. Melting. Apparently the aftermath of a deer wandering onto a runway and into a propellor. Dude, just like that German thug in Raiders of the Lost Ark! Engrish personals ad that is probably as full of shit as the writer's freezer. I think he may have copied them from somewhere else, but they're all pretty boss. Thanks Gregg, you're a light sabre. Update: The sauce is the boss.

11.14.03 Free paintings! 12"x12" square on wood. Part of the "Animal Series" that went pretty quick, I found these under a stack of t-shirts tonight and don't want to go through the dilemma of displaying them. FREE INCLUDING WORLDWIDE POSTAGE. E-mail your address here with your request, first come, first served. One per customer. Update: Black Flag tattoo in front of Morrissey record collection. Don't ask me, I dunno. Hello to Ben Lokiec. Double Update: Travis Moneta sent along this link to public web-based voicemail messages. In one word: totallyfuckingawesometothemax. Triple Update: It was as if the good lord put me in bed early last night (that and the, uh, vodka) so that Dave Piper could call me at 3:30am about THE RAGING FIRE a block away from my house. Rows of buildings totally destroyed, the entire city block covered in ash and water. I got interviewed by FOX-TV and said, "It's a sure sign of the apocalypse, I can't wait until we all become vapor', but the reporter just looked at me like I was crazy.

11.12.03 Telephone messages from the past two months: "The Screamer"; "The Name Caller"; "Tess From Michigan"; "Jamie Drier Explains Odin"; "Talk To The Tuss"; "Tuss Is A Bust" & "The Knife". Update: Jamie Drier, I love that guy.

11.11.03 How does a person justify humping a wreath as honoring a veteran? Travis M. sent in this awesome link that generates church signs, and here's also a whole page of sign generators here, this one being my favorite. Oh, click here! Though it's a month away, please come to my birthday party. Bret Micheals from Poison might be there. Update: I hereby declare November 11th 'Jayme Brotsos Day'. Thank him for this link to the Paris Hilton sex tape.

11.08.03 What on earth kind of name is Mackayala Jespersen? While we're on the topic of things that make no sense, why would people visit an eBay discussion website and dissect the story of "Pot & The eBay Laptop" when they could be discussing how good the first DYS record is? While I don't have a write-up of the first official live football game I've ever attended, I do have this mini-movie of a mini-child making mini-remarks. Update: Mackayala Jespersen! That's a laugh riot!

11.07.03 I'm doing my best to get a date with Josie from the Luvabulls, because I love her. Update: Josie and I will be at Sound Gallery tonight to see Jim Newberry's photography. You should come and meet Josie, perhaps you can smash ham sandwiches into her face and kick her in the shins. Of course, only if you want to.

11.05.03 On the road to extra gross: high resolution scan of my beard and fingertips. Also, there's been an update to the "The Knife" page including the kooky old poet. Did you know that there was an International Federation Of Competitive Eating? Michael Anderson did, and thank the lord above. Dude, check it out: The Phrase Finder! It's come to my attention that some people think that I 'go both ways' because of my Friendster profile. You must understand: Friendster is only good for picking up teenagers and if you haven't figured that out, you're a card carrying NAMBLA member yourself. Speaking of NAMBLA, Jason Pearson sent this totally rad link to pictures of naked men covered in mud. Speaking of pictures of naked men covered in mud, I recently gouged a Joan Armatrading 45 with a razor blade because I was trying to be Christian Marclay. I've decided to give it away, you know, to you. If you want it, of course. Update: Check out this video of me swinging a piece of wood back & forth. Double Update: I'm so over Jordan Catalano, I'm going to jump around my room and listen to the Violent Femmes. Whoa, "nerdgirl": get you some spell check.

11.03.03 "The Knife" sent me some pictures via the e-mail today. Did I ever tell you about the time I bought a laptop off of eBay & it came with a lot of illegal drugs? I have a birthday coming up, if you want to pick me up an original copy of The Five Sharps "Stormy Weather", that would be great. You can listen to that record courtesy of this page. I went to a party at the Texas Ballroom on Friday and there were a lot of naked ladies there. They all smelled pretty bad, as well. FREE T-SHIRT: I've been screening shirts for the first time, and I kinda messed this one up. It says: "It's a cold night for alligators (& dogs)". It's a new black shirt, size medium & quite comfortable. First person to write here gets it free, postage and all. Please check out the mini-movies section and meet Leonard, one of the few people who make my job tolerable. Update: Alyce Ornella went to Michigan to pick apples today & I had to work all day. Where's the justice in that? Double Update: The newest picture on women-drivers.net is so boss. Triple Update: The Strokes' "Room On Fire" and the movie "Lost In Translation" both get really high marks on the "Stuff That Sucks" meter.

10.28.03 Nearly 500,000 have looked at this eBay auction (link via Graham Hickey). Reverend John Piche recently started America's #2 Blog (Thanks, Phil). Kevin Todora sent me this fantastic artistic photo link. Update: The Silly Mongoose. Double Update: Please submit pictures to www.women-drivers.net, so I'll have less work to do. Triple Update: Happy Birthday John Brearley. May you ride into infinity, brother.

10.27.03 Here's a whole bunch of pictures from a Halloween party on Saturday. I built a giant fire that really annoyed a lot of people & melted some stuff. I destroyed a volcano and threw Smarties at people. I took some rubber snakes. I called some hipsters hippies. I'm going to be 30 in a month and a half. I should feel depressed about all of this, instead I've just voted myself Most Likely To Succeed. Apparently I was the only one running, though. Update: As if I don't already have too much to do, I started a new website on Saturday night called www.women-drivers.net. Like most everything I do, it has no point whatsoever. Much like Oblio's head. Double Update: I'm the Mary, You're the Rhoda.

10.25.03 I've been going to a lot of parties lately, and I find myself in drawn out conversations with some serious yawn-oholics. Tonight I was talking to some film students about Peter Jackson and I told them my favorite movie by him was Beautiful Creatures. Of course the movie I was talking about was Heavenly Creatures, but I just wanted to see if the poor saps had the heart to correct me - and they didn't! Later I told them that my favorite horror movie was the Blair Witch Trials! I'm sure they thought I was a total idiot, little did they know I was really the King Of Laugh Mountain. Update: I have some brilliant video footage of me riding Brian Sowell's dog, but I'll have to upload it later because I'm totally tired. Double Update: Tomorrow is BoBo The Clown's last Halloween party. I'd give you directions, but I lost them. It's in Logan Square, just look for the dunk tank & the clown who stands in fire. I've seen it, it's awesome. If you want to go, call me and I'll get you the address. Perhaps we'll fistfight!

10.24.03 Corn Classic 5k Run/Walk participant Cody Rupsch recently sent me this outta-sight link about a girl who stole her boyfriend's ashes & drank them out of a whiskey bottle. The totally rad Gregg Sundin sent me this link about Golden Gate Bridge jumpers awhile ago, but I just read it last night for the first time and was floored. Please send me more links, I like them quite a lot. Update: Here's a poll for all of you Chicagoans. Who would you rather be: The Bread Lady or The Tamale Guy? Send votes here. Double Update: Cubs e-mail address sign, and please read this article about children vs. vintage video games, it's a laugh riot.

10.23.03 This painting entitled "Self Portrait As Misfits Cover" is for sale, and it's $20. It's 2'x2' and it's on 1/4" thick chipboard. It's quite sturdy and will look very nice in your home or office. First offer takes it, price includes shipping! Here's a picture of the original cover here, as well as a picture of a painting by Matt Granstrom, from which I totally stole the idea. Update: I've been constructing Stephanie Serpick's website for free, simply because I think she's 'way boss' when it comes to 'the arts'. Double Update: The world lost a great person today. Fred 'ReRun' Berry may not have been on the Good Will Hunting soundtrack, but he did have a funny dance or something, right? Triple Update: Don't you delay, buy this item on eBay, do it today. Hey look, I'm rapping!

10.22.03 This morning I was thinking, "Maybe I should just pack that whole website thing in. It certainly takes up a lot of my time, and it's not even fun anymore." When I got home later in the afternoon, I'd forgotten the idea completely and decided to put a bunch of garbage on eBay instead. So, for the next few weeks, updates will be sparse. Instead I will be putting garbage on eBay. You should buy some if it. Other than money, I care about little else. Update: Claire Halpin gave me a CD loaded with choice fonts, I just wanted to use this space to say thanks. Thanks, Claire!

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